Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Put out the light. PLEASE, put out the light.

The husband and I have been making an effort to get out more.  Partly because we're sick of each other, and partly because we want to find other people and things to complain about to keep our marriage fresh and alive.

Boy, did we hit the motherload this past weekend.

We went to a university production of Othello

Without further ado, I present:

Scenes from a viewing of a university production of Othello
A play in a few acts

Act I
Interior - small theater lobby

Suniverse:  I have to get the tickets from will call.

Husband:  It's all old people.

Suniverse:  Dude, it's Saturday night.  Who else would be here?

Husband:  Let's go get our seats.

Suniverse:  I don't think there's going to be a stampede.  Are we racing people in walkers?

The couple enters the theater, gets their programs, and sits down.

Husband:  We're the youngest people here.

Suniverse:  Dude [points across the aisle] that's us.

Husband: [looks at an older couple settling in] That's totally us.

Suniverse:  He's reading the free weekly out loud to his wife - oh, my god.  He's reading an apartment listing in the free weekly.  I don't think she's listening.

Husband [whispers]:  Check out the chicks in front of us.  She's got like four lines of a bible verse tattooed on her back.

Suniverse: What the fuck is that smell?

Husband [quietly]: I think it's them.

Suniverse:  Who's chugging Robitussin?  That's nasty.

An older couple sits down behind our heroes.

Old Man:  Och, I'm so full.  BURRRP.  That food was too rich!

Old Woman:  It was good, though.

Old Man:  Well, ya, it was good.

Old Man proceeds to snort back his boogers every 3-4 minutes for the rest of the night.

Robitussin Chick 1:  [Powders face with a giant powder brush, brushes her hair, reapplies lipstick, takes a foul-smelling Altoid from a tin] Oh!  Wait!  I should be sitting there.  Should we switch?

Robitutssin Chick 2:  What?  Do you want -

Robitussin Chick 1:  He's coming! He's coming!

Douchey Guy:  Ah, the THEE-a-ter.

Suniverse:  I fucking hate that guy.

A young couple sits next to the older couple.

Young Man:  So I ended up not living with Ryan.  [Pause]  Wow. 

Young Woman:  Isn't this fun?

Young Man:  I did a bunch of shots.

Young Woman:  Do you like wine?

Young Man:  No.

Young Woman:  I love wine.  I just realized I'm expensive.

Young Man:  What?

Young Woman:  Not that way, silly.

Older Man:  [BUURRRP]  Ooof.  Cabbage.

Act II
The play begins and goes on.  And on.

Husband:  Jesus.  The guy playing Iago blows.  Why is he so wooden?

Suniverse:  He's almost as bad as Desdemona's dad.

Husband:  He's ruining this play.

Suniverse:  Othello's really good.  So is Bianca.  And Desdemona's o.k.

Husband:  Why don't the other characters . . . act.  You know, like they were listening or part of the scene, or even texting.  I would take that as sufficient.

Suniverse:  I'm pretending I'm in an episode of Friends and we're at one of Joey's experimental theater plays.

[From Stage Left, a man is heard horking back his boogers in counterpart to Older Man]

Husband:  It's dueling banjos.


Suniverse:  Dude, that sucked.

Husband:  It was terrible.

Suniverse:  Can we leave?

Husband:  No way.  We're sticking this out.

Suniverse:  I'm going to the bathroom.

[Suniverse leaves, waits in an interminable line, comes back.]

Husband:  No one here knows what the fuck the play is about. 

Suniverse: What?

Husband:  They've all been trying to figure out what's going on.

Suniverse:  Seriously.  Can we leave?

Husband:  Let's go sit down.

[They return to their seats.]

Old Man:  Where's John?

Old Woman:  John left.  He thought it was going to be a musical, and he didn't want to sit through the rest of the show.

Husband: [Points to Future Him]  That guy's listening to the ball game.

Suniverse:  No, he's not.  It's probably a hearing aid.

[Future Him turns and puts an ear piece in his ear that is connected to an MP3 player.  He sits down.]

Husband:  I told you.

Suniverse:  I can't believe it.  They are totally us.

Husband:  Did you notice that he put it in the ear that's next to his wife?  That's probably his good ear.

Suniverse:  Don't get any ideas.

Act IV
The play is relentless

Husband:  I fucking hate Iago.  He is RUINING this.

Suniverse:  It's not just Iago.

Husband:  He's the worst part.

Suniverse:  It's a thousand degrees in here.  [Starts fanning herself with Bed Bath and Beyond coupons from her purse.]

Husband:  What do you expect when you're in the nursing home.

Old Man:  BUUURRRP.  Excuse me.  SNORT.

Husband: Othello can't even choke her to death like a man?  What the fuck?

Suniverse: [Clapping like mad.] IT'S OVER! THANK GOD.

Husband:  [Clapping heartily.] IT IS OVER! FUCK OFF, IAGO!

Suniverse:  I think they're not getting a standing ovation not only because it was bad, but also because someone might break a hip.

Husband: I wonder what the score was.  I should ask Future Me.



  1. That sounds just about the worst night EVER.
    Also: Hilarious. :)

  2. I'd have passed back a tissue and told him like a toddler, get it all out now, it's the best way to keep me from killing you.

  3. Robitussin and cabbage. Yum.
    (That is SO not you.)

    On the other hand, Othello as a musical might be kind of genius.
    (I'll bring the Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.)

  4. If you two had microphones, everyone's night would have been awesome.

  5. If you two had microphones, everyone's night would have been awesome.

  6. Fanning yourself with bed bath and beyond coupons? Future Him is totally attracted to you now.

  7. Hilarious. My husband and I recently went to the THEE-a-ter for the exact same reason and had a similarly unsatisfying experience. But instead of cabbage burps it was a cloud of toxic perfume. Boo.

  8. OMG I am laughing so hard. I'm sorry for yous..but OMG hilarious for us. This is why we don't go out.

  9. ahahahaha That was awesome! Well for me. I wasn't there. For you, I'm guessing it wasn't so awesome. But hey, you got some great material for you post, so it wasn't all bad :D Yeah, I'll shut up now lol

  10. This was SO good!
    Our night out with friends: the other wife and I yelled over the too loud TVs around us and fit-throwing 18mo olds. Our 4 year olds crawled under the table the entire night while the waiter had to come back and take my drink order 4 times.
    We're gonna stick to getting drunk at home over frozen pizzas.

  11. Well I think you going to the play was worth it after all.

  12. This is exactly why plays should always be avoided at all costs. How've you been Sunny? (Suni? Sunni?)

  13. Needs more firefighters! I thought might be hot, arty guys there. Guess not.

  14. Husband's "dueling banjos" cracked my eggs to smithereens. Heeheehee. At our local theater, the Sunday walker crowd includes smoking octogenarians with oxygen tanks, olde-fashioned cellophane wrapped sucking candy addicts, loud misinformed recappers and the requisite snorers. Only plus is that I can beat 'em all to the ladies room.


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