Your Body and Food: A Primer

You know how people always say that there's a connection between your body and food? They are right, because lately I've noticed that my body is in sync with certain foodstuffs.  For example:

******  My knees sound like Rice Krispies when I stand up.  SNAP! CRACKLE! POP! CRUNCH CRUNCH CRUNCH is the noise they make.  I don't like to think too much about it, because I'm sure something terrible and irreversible has occurred there.

******  My skin is like pudding.  Not the soft, creamy pudding texture that soothes us.  No, it's like the rubbery skin that congeals on the pudding's surface.  Also, thanks to some adult acne, it's like tapioca, the evil stepchild of pudding.*

******  My upper arms are like veal. I will sell their useless, tender flesh for $24.99/lb.

******  My hair is like wheat.  Well, not really the color, but the texture. And not a silken wheat type hair - more like the stiff and crunch part of the wheat.  The chaff, maybe? Or maybe my hair is like wheat for people who have celiac disease. I think that might be right.

******  My fingers are like sausages. Mmmm . . . delicious, salty sausages. Wait. I see a direct connection here.

As an accidental foodie, I am very interested in the relationship between my body and food.  You are definitely what you eat - even if the last time you ate that thing was 1999 [oh, veal, how I miss you].  I wonder when I'll start turning green from all the lettuce.  I'd be o.k. with my hair turning purple from all the cabbage I eat.  There's a correlation I'd be happy with.

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* Full disclosure - I actually like tapioca pudding. But not that tapioca drink thing that they sell at the mall.  That shit is toxic.