Thursday, April 4, 2013


Fuck Spring because we got ants.

Not that the weather has warmed up at ALL [it is 21 degrees as I type this] - but the ants decided to visit early this year.  And for some reason, they decided to have a destination vacation in the husband's bathroom.  Which - how fucking dumb are ants?  THAT'S where you want to go?  Do you know what he does in there?

Anyway, we tried to deal with the ants in our usual home-ownership fashion, which was to ignore them in the hopes the situation would remedy itself.  [Yes, my bathroom faucet is still dripping. What of it?] 

When that didn't work, we discussed methods of getting rid of them.  Things like, "I think cinnamon is supposed to work," and "Let's just move" and "I think we can set a controlled burn just in the bathroom."  Instead, the husband bought some ant traps and put them out in his bathroom and also my bathroom, which is right above his and where some hardier ants had decided to venture on day trips.

Those barely worked.  I was not having too much of an issue with the ants, because I was not directly affected, so I didn't think overmuch about the problem [this seems to be a pattern in my life], but the husband was a little tired of, in his words, "FUCKING ANTS ALL OVER THE GODDAMN BATHROOM." 

During this whole ant deluge, our two cats were of ZERO FUCKING HELP.  Seriously.  I saw one of the cats stare intently at an ant busily wandering, unafraid, near my bathroom door.  The cat got right down and stuck her face pretty much on top of the ant and then . . . walked away.  Like it was none of her fucking business.

I hate our cats.
Since the ant traps proved to be as effective a deterrent as the cats, the husband talked about spraying to get rid of the ants.  I have a thing with smells [I get migraines] and with chemicals [I get panic] so the husband said he'd spray after I left for work one day and he'd put the fan on and it would all be fine.

Remember when I talked about how I went to the doctor and found out I was sick? Well, on that day, which seemed interminable, I had gone to the doctor, gone to work, gone to my flute lesson [because I didn't want to cancel at the last minute and was in a sort of grimly determined march to Just Get Through My Day, Goddammit] and then went to the book club I used to belong to, because they were discussing Gone Girl and I had to talk about it [Seriously, who wants to discuss this with me? I evidently cannot shut up about it.] and by the time I walked into my house at 9pm, I was exhausted and cranky and all I wanted to do was have a nice cup of tea and a tasty treat [not sex, an actual treat, come on, I was sick, there's only so much grimly determined activity I could handle] and I opened the door and walked into . . .


Yeah.  So the husband had had enough and had sprayed for ants and had tried to cover up the smell by burning a Yankee Candle. 

We spent the next half hour or so in one of those immediately escalating fights that happen to all couples [right? They do, right?] where you start out talking about the goddamn ant situation [The husband: "It's not poison! It's organic! It's safe for children and pets! It's made from plants!"  Me: "It SMELLS like poison and you said you'd wait and anyway THERE ARE POISONOUS PLANTS!"] and it evolves into every horrible thing your brain can throw at them, up to and including the fact that they don't make the bed the right way.  All while the windows were open in order to dissipate the smell.  Don't you wish you were our neighbors?

After a while, we ran out of steam, and I went to bed and tried to get the poisonous cherry smell out of my nostrils. 

And though it pains me to admit it, the "organic" ant spray worked.

I still think I won the fight.


  1. I so feel your pain, my friend.

    We live in a tropical climate which means lots and lots and lots of bugs.

    And I am very anti-pesticide. I tried for years to manage the bugs with organic solutions. But see, there's this one thing Florida does really well. It breeds the biggest cockroaches. (The type down here are called palmetto bugs because they nest in the palmettos which are, of course, all around my house.) And our lovely Florida cockroaches are special because they're really good at . . . flying. That's right. Flying. Like, into people's hair. So we are now poison sprayers. A little poison is better than a cockroach in the hair in my book.

    Oh and Florida ants? Their sting hurts as much as a wasp's. They're aptly named Fire Ants. We also have African Killer Bees.

    Come to Florida for the fun.

    Glad you won the fight.

  2. Ha! My parents have two cats and they stopped giving a shit about the ants, too!!!! When I visit in the summer i go "AHHHHHH ANTS AHHHH" because like your hubby, I HATE THEM IN MY BATHROOM DIE ANTS DIE. But my parents won't put down any traps because they're scared the traps will hurt the cats. Which I'm pretty sure isn't true. But even if it was - then find alternative arrangements to get rid of the ants!

    1. Giggling because at first I read "find alternative arrangements to get rid of the cats!" Ha

    2. I think alternative arrangements for the ants might be to find them a cozy little bungalow with a seaside view.

  3. My husband tries to kill me routinely when he mops the kitchen floor. Bleach. All Of The Bleach. DID YOU USE THE WHOLE FUCKING BOTTLE? DID YOU? JUST STAB ME, IT'D BE SO MUCH EASIER ON BOTH OF US.

    And yes, those kinds of fights escalate from normal but why did you eat the last avocado? I told you I wanted it and you ate it anyway. Did you think I'd changed my mind just because I took a nap? AND YOU TOTALLY DO SNORE, ASSHOLE, I'VE ALWAYS HATED THAT SHIRT.


  4. You need a dog for ants. I once saw a dog (a giant you could ride to work sized dog) sniff at an ant, then bark at it real close like. I swear to you that ant died of a heart attack right then and there. It never moved again, so we vacuumed it up and moved on.

  5. Wait? You make the bed?!


    Cats are useless for most things. I actually watched mine run away from a mouse. Not that I blame her - I fucking hate mice, but it's a fucking cat.

  6. haha well the issue got resolved. Regardless of who did what and what the consequences were. Kind of like what the US does with the world.

  7. All's well that ends well, I guess.
    If you don't mind that goiter the size of a baby's head growing from the side of your neck.
    Scarves will help hide it.
    But, it will be summer before you know it and you'll look silly wearing a woolen muffler at the pool.

  8. We get the FIRE ANTS here where I live, so if they infiltrate, we have to go full nuclear launch.

    But I'm glad your (idiot) hubs got rid of yours. But you TOTALLY won that fight.

  9. As far as I'm concerned you have three choices: 1) live with the ants chemical free 2) use pesticides or 3) get an anteater as a pet. You might be able to snag one at PetSmart.

    1. Is there an anteater rescue? Try


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