Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Missing Time

Hey, friends.

Sorry I've been among the disappeared lately [have you even noticed?]. 

I've been ugh. Sad. Despairing. Despondent.

I've struggled with anxiety and depression for years, and recently had a very hard patch.

I've gotten better about discussing anxiety and my weird need-for-clean OCD tendencies. I can even talk about - in a facile way - my PPD.  But depression? Is hard to discuss, because there is still some part of me that feels like if I name it, if I talk about it, I invite it in. If I act like depression was limited to PPD, then everything now is fine. Just fine.  No mention, no invitation, no entry.

Well, it came in and kicked my ass anyway.

I had a really bad spell where it took all of my energy to do the bare minimum of work and home, where showering was exhausting, where brushing and flossing my teeth seemed insurmountable.  And where I cried at work and at home and in the car.  And where I thought about how miserable every single part of my life was.  All of it.  Worthless.

If you've struggled, you know what it's like - the exhaustion and misery.  If you haven't, please do me a favor.  That person who you think is snotty and won't engage? May just be trying to hold it together and not collapse into a heap of tears or nothingness.

Let's be nicer to each other.  And be nicer to ourselves.


  1. Oh, the nicer to ourselves part. It's a bitch to maintain because maybe "whoever" said it was right: we don't deserve niceness. I'm glad you are able to talk about it.

  2. I love you, Suni.

    (Not that this makes the shit any better.)

    But I do.

  3. Love you.
    I am here if you need me(and feeling a lot of what you are)

    I promise to be nicer to myself and to everyone around me.

  4. Thank you for your honesty, authenticity and vulnerability.

  5. It was good to see you in my in-box. Take care and thank you.

  6. You and me both, sister! My daughter is going through some shit, which is very triggering for me, but the last thing I want to do is turn her away. So. Ya know. Fuck. Also...something about the change of seasons does this to me, too. Maybe you? I'll hang in there if you will.

  7. Ugh, I so get that. And yes, I've noticed you were gone. And I've missed you. So glad you're on the upswing and thanks for the reminder that we never know what someone is going though and to be kind anyway. Love you so much!

  8. :( :( :(

    Hope you are feeling better Suni.

    xo - France

  9. Jennifer Rose Horton DeverauxMay 20, 2013 at 12:14 PM

    Hey stranger! I've been out of touch too, lately, I'm sorry. I was going to e-mail you but in the spirit of "outing" depression I'm posting here instead---as you know I've lived with depression for years and just want to offer you hope that if you can get to a place where you can take meds (I know that is a big challenge in of itself!) it can really help you. That is not to say you're ever "over" it. On meds I am limping along, and still have my seriously low days where I cry for extended periods for no reason I can determine and can't stop, but I don't think about ending my life any more. And there are good days worth living for. There is power in naming the demon, too, because, well it sounds like defeat but if you can judge yourself on a softer standard---that of a person with depression, it can help you be less hard on yourself and love and accept yourself more. As depressed people it is my opinion we have other things to offer the world that we might not if we were perfectly normal like everyone else. Increased sensitivity, creativity, compassion, to name a few. I hope this post hasn't depressed you more. ; ) Hang in there, sister! Work on taking the meds for your family even if in a low moment you think you aren't worth it. Your family needs you and loves you.

  10. It's like you need a V8 about every hour on the hour. How do we make it through, SUni. It's the machines that we are that just need to keep going.

    I love you, sweet lady.


Every time you comment, I get a lady boner.