Thursday, July 18, 2013

And you thought your mammogram was uncomfortable.

This is how my day started yesterday:

I walked out of the mammogram x-ray room to find an old lady wearing my dress.

Not wearing the same dress that I was wearing.

WEARING. MY. DRESS.

I got up early to get to my annual mammogram before work. Have you had your yearly boob-squish yet? DO SO, PLEASE.  I showered and got dressed in my cute Talbots dark red cotton dress. It's sleeveless, but has a shirt-type front, so I wear it to work with a jacket. You know, semi-serious professional that I am.

It's been stupid hot here, as it has been for much of the country, and I was thinking how smart I was to wear an easy-on, easy-off dress, so I'd stay cool and not wrinkle [much].  Planning ahead so that things are perfect - you know me. I packed up my lunch bag, my purse, and my deoderant [because you're not supposed to wear it for the mammogram - evidently the secret behind Secret is that it fucks with radiation - and I knew with the temperature in the 90s and the humidity up there as well, there was no way I could go without it for the day. People would revolt. Or be revolted.]. I drove off, thinking if things went well, I'd only be a couple of minutes late for work.

I got there, figured I should bring my lunch in with me, so it wouldn't spoil [it's seriously that fucking hot], and put on my gown. I put my stuff in the changing room and was called back, congratulating myself on thinking ahead to keep my salad cool and for wearing something that was simple to change in and out of. I was OWNING this mammogram.

After some squishing and flattening, the very nice tech escorted me out and then I went kind of blind. You know that weird dissociated feeling you get when you know something's not right, but you can't quite believe what you're seeing, and you're not even sure what to say?

That was me. For about 2.1 seconds. And then I said,

THAT'S MY DRESS.

The older lady didn't pay attention, just finished putting her stuff in her bag, and the tech said, "What?"

I said, "That lady is wearing my dress. She's wearing my dress." I was pretty close to shrilly repeating this, like Renfield in the asylum nattering on about his master, because I could not wrap my mind around what was happening.  I mean, seriously - WTF? WHO PUTS ON SOMEONE ELSE'S CLOTHES AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE?

Finally, the older lady noticed what was going on and said, "Oh, I thought the gowns had changed."

YOU MEAN BECAUSE IT WAS RED? AND DIDN'T OPEN ALL THE WAY? AND WASN'T IN THE MOTHERFUCKING BIN OF GOWNS? AND HAD A TALBOT'S TAG? AND WAS A GODDAMN DRESS? THAT I WAS WEARING WHEN YOU SAT NEXT RIGHT NEXT TO ME IN THE WAITING ROOM, YOU STUPID IDIOT?

It's a wonder I didn't collapse or cause a beatdown right there. I'm not kidding. It was close.

I gave serious thought to wearing my gown home, because germs. I ended up pulling on my dress - "It's o.k., honey, I just showered" - and went home and took a Silkwood shower and changed my clothes and debated just burning the dress. Except I like it.

Evidently, so did that lady.

28 comments:

  1. OH GOD I AM HOWLING!!!! My favorite? "Silkwood shower."

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  2. Dying. OMG hilarious. And awkward. xo

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  3. Oh my FUCKING God. Good thing you came in when you did!

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  4. I am going to pee on myself from laughing (OK lemme get up, be right back).

    OK, I'm done. STILL LAUGHING. How many times will you wash the dress?

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  5. there are really no words for this, in fact even knowing this story before reading it didn't make it any better for me, I just kept saying...WHO THE FUCK does that? WHO would think that was a GOWN?

    The only thing that would make this even halfway okay is that that women has dementia or some other weird story, but alas it's probably just that she's an idiot. ;)

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  6. p.s Please don't get rid of a dress you really like just have it drycleaned and rid of germs until you can slip it back on.

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  7. All I can say is it's a good thing you made it out of there when you did or you would have had no choice but to wear the gown home!

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  8. Guuuurrrrl. I am laughing so hard the dog is scared. And I knew the story already (thanks to your text), so you'd think I wouldn't still find it so damn funny, but OMG...this is PRICELESS!!! The title is perfect! Love you. You crack me up!

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  9. Are you keeping the dress? Will you wear it again?

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  10. I read this early and now Leslie has it all over facebook. I could not comment earlier. I laughed so hard I pulled a rib muscle and now I'm laughing again and it hurts. FFS! Good luck at Blogher!

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  11. holy shit -- this is hilarious (and totally something that would happen to me!)

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  12. Epic. This story is fantastic all around, but my favorite part is that it didn't happen to me. So, thanks for taking this one for the team.

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  13. WOW. So she was gathering up her stuff to LEAVE? Was she intentionally stealing the dress? You know what they say: the best compliment is stealing...

    Unbelievable.

    So glad you caught her in time. You could have gone home in the hospital gown because you wouldn't want to drive nekkid. I mean your ... would stick to the leather etc.

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  14. like RENFIELD IN THE ASYLUM? You win the internet today with that line, lady. The whole damn internet.

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  15. Shut. Your. Mouth. So funny. And so very awkward.

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  16. Seriously? SERIOUSLY?!?!?! That's just too much!! And funny. And weird.

    Um... glad you got your dress back...? ;)

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  17. Oh my god, so funny! I would have been shell shocked if that happened to me! That is hilarious!

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  18. LMFAO.
    That's horrifically funny. So glad it happened to you & not me. Bahaha

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  19. Ten more minutes and you'd have been showing off your hynie at work. (Why is spellcheck questioning hynie? I am SO NOT googling it.) Ass. You'd have been showing your ass, when you reached up to get that binder on the top shelf in your mammo mumu. That's a nutso story. I'm not at all germophobic, so I wouldn't have gone all Silkwood, but still. Glad you're keeping the dress -- even Monica L. did, right? BTW: You think she's since laundered it and worn the Clinton dress? Wear the red dress to BlogHer and see what everyone says. Please?

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  20. Oh do I know HOW you loved that dress if YOU put it back on. I swear, I felt how GD much you loved that dress right there.
    xo

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  21. You absolutely HAVE to wear that dress at BlogHer.

    To the "blogging anonymously" session? Please?

    Love you. No seriously. LOVE YOU!

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  22. All I keep thinking is this....when you try on clothes at a store you do realize that other possibly un-washed people have tried it on before you? So since she had "just showered" it was probably not too skeevy. But really what an odd thing to say, oh sorry I tried to steal your dress, but at least I am clean today. Hahaha, great story.

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  23. I am so glad I just discovered your blog through the Voice of the Year humor entries. I almost peed on myself!

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Every time you comment, I get a lady boner.