Today [well, actually last night] I decided that instead of just feeling like a shit ass failure, I'm going to do something wonderful and positive. I'm going to write. I can't control someone giving me a job, but I can control that. I can write. I love to write and I love how happy it makes me.
And I'm so fucking tired of hating people for their successes. Seriously. I was reading about a writer - a writer whose first book I read about 5 years ago and really enjoyed - who got to interview one of my favorite writers. And I cannot even explain to you the hatred and self-loathing that engendered.
Why is SHE so fucking lucky? Why is SHE so fucking successful?
Why is my life so full of shit?
And then I realized that it didn't matter. That there are things I can do - not including curl up in a nice, snug fetal ball and wail at the fates - and that I should do them. It may not fix everything - it may not fix anything, but it will be action and it will be doing something and right now, that's what I've got.
I'm just tired of being a bitter, hateful person. I really am.
[This is not to say that I will cease from being a snarky bitchy person, because there is only so far a person can change. Plus, otherwise, how boring?]