I was feeling a bit sleepy and thought about taking a nap - I've not been sleeping well AT ALL [thanks, stress!] - but I was also feeling virtuous, so I decided to run a load of laundry while I lay/laid [who knows? seriously? WHO KNOWS the proper usage here?] down so that I could be like one of those housewives of the future who have time to lay around fulfilling their own desires while machines do their work for them.
I miss the future.
Anyway, I went down to the laundry room and began loading up the washer with the towels that were laying on the floor. I dumped the last few into the machine and noticed a
GIANT MOTHERFUCKING MANY LEGGED BUT NOT A MILLIPEDE BUG
on the floor. Underneath the towels I had JUST TOUCHED. With my bare hands.
I almost barfed.
And panicked a little.
I couldn't figure out what to do.
I didn't want to step on it, because I was wearing sandals and what if I didn't get it on the first try? What if it skittered [is there a worse word in the English language? Seriously. Have you ever used skittered and not felt a hundred creepy crawlies all over your skin?] and I had to chase it, stomping my foot from spot to spot like I was at a hoedown? Or doing the Electric Slide?
Or worse, what if it skittered and part of it touched me? TOUCHED ME ON MY BARE FEET through the straps of my sandals. There aren't enough bleach wipes in the world to get rid of that disgustingness.
So I looked around quickly with one eye, the other laser locked on the INDESCRIBABLY DISGUSTING bug [because what if it skittered????? and I had to FIND IT? Because if I didn't find it, it could then come upstairs and touch me or something I love. And my cats are beyond fucking useless; they would just watch it go by, like it was a cat hair tumbleweed. WITH A GAJILLION LEGS. I'm shivering in fear right now, just at the thought of that bug in my upstairs.] - anyway, my one eye searching, the other eye laser locked, and I found the giant mop with the plastic base that I SLAMMED down on that fucking bug until it was paste. Really. There is just goo left on the floor.
Because I have seen horror movies and I have seen nature shows and I know that things regenerate. They come back from the dead. You have to be sure you have killed the evildoer, and killed it but good.
Now if you will excuse me, I am heading downstairs with a book of matches and some lighter fluid, because I need to cleanse the area.