Tuesday, June 1, 2010

When Animals* Attack**

* By animals, I mean spiders
**By attack, I mean hang on to my driver's side window until I can park the car and flick it off with my key and then stomp on it but good


Good morning!

You'd think, what with my giant to-do list of phone calls & emails to return & piles of paper to be dug through and packages to be prepped for mailing, that the last thing on my mind would be a post.  You would be wrong, because you would have underestimated my longstanding love/hate relationship with procrastination. 

Actually, it's mostly a hate relationship, but I'm trying to be more positive, so let's just say I love it, too.  The world needs more love.  Also more quality paper products, because I am a whore for paper products.

I've already been tested this morning, what with the spider on my window and the ridiculous inability of adults to follow practical drop-off procedures . . .

[a digression]
I believe I have already complained about the massive clusterfuck that is the after school pick-up at my daughter's school. People defy rules of etiquette, logic and gravity in order to create a situation that, every time I encounter it, leaves me shaking with rage.  Seriously.  I'm glad I don't pick her up very often because there would be blood.

Well, it turns out there are people who are incapable of dropping off their children in a mannerly way.  The drop off is so much easier because everyone lines up in a long, snaky line around the perimeter of the parking lot and inches forward to drop off their kid/s in an orderly progression at the designated drop off spot.

And yet. 

And yet there are still people who, because they are assholes, manage to fuck this up.  They will cut through the line and park in the lot or double park at the designated spot. Evidently there is disaster of some sort afoot and the president needs their help RIGHT NOW, but first they have to drop off their kid, so, you know.  No time to wait in line.

[back to our story]

. . . and a sudden influx of ANTS behind my microwave on the kitchen counter.

I am no fan of bugs.  I have often said that I would GLADLY rid the world of bugs and screw up the eco-food-chain, and if that means birds have to go, then they can suck it and die, too, because birds are creepy.

So to be deluged with ants is . . . I can't even explain the horror.  I've already wiped everything down with bleach wipes [humanity's greatest invention] and I've read up on home remedies to get rid of them, so there is now a nice pile of cinnamon on my counter.  I'm trying wiping with vinegar next, until I can get to Target & purchase ALL of their ant traps. 

And yes, I know that in actuality, there haven't been swarms of ants - it's not like those nature films - but one ant is too many and more than one is cause for a strike of nuclear proportions.

I loathe nature.


  1. One time when ants invaded our kitchen? I was not that annoyed, but my husband freaked out. He sealed EVERYTHING food-related in Ziploc bags, he cleaned and scrubbed EVERYTHING in sight, and he mopped and polished and then kept an eagle-eye out for the stragglers.

    So that this morning, as I read your post and consider our sort of messy kitchen?

    I am thinking that crying "ANT!" might not be that bad a plan.


  2. Kris, I think you have a genius plan, there. There is nothing like the fear of infestation to get a room super clean. I think your husband would thank you for this later.


Every time you comment, I get a lady boner.