Tuesday, July 27, 2010

My Greatest Sin

The husband and I were talking before bed last night, and we didn't finish this conversation, and I haven't quite worked this out in my own head, but I wanted to get this out:

My greatest sin is Envy.

[Here I'm going by the Se7en sins because that's what most people are familiar with. I'm sure other religions, including the one I was raised in, have their own definitions of sins, but that's a whole other topic and I'm too thirsty to write about that - my water is in the other room and I am too lazy to get it.] [Also, how hilarious was Ari on Entourage where he said putting Gwenyth's head in a box in Se7en was his idea?  TOTALLY hilarious, that's how hilarious.]

It has plagued me all my life.  I know part of the reason is inside me, how I am made.  And part of it is having been raised to compete and compare.  It's so ingrained that it's like breathing - I see or hear of someone else's good fortune and that bile shoots through me and I envy them whatever - their house, their car, their vacation, their non-nappy hair.  I can generally talk myself down from this.  I just don't like that it happens in the first place.  I'd love to be all zen about my life and how things happen for a reason and blah de blah, but I can't.  I really can't.  Instead, my initial reaction is envy.  Want.  I want desperately to have that thing that someone else has.  And then happiness at their good fortune.  Because I am happy for them.  Generally.  If it's someone I like.  If it's someone I don't like, I'm not happy for them.  If it's someone I don't like, I want their lives to be full of despair and ashes.  I am not a forgiving person.  I am kind of mean-spirited in that way.

The husband said that Pride is his sin and contends that all sins are sins of Pride.  I envy because I am proud - because I deserve what that other person has.  I'm not sure if that's the case.  Of course, I'm not sure if I'm disagreeing with him just because it's what I do [wow, is our relationship fun or what?] or because I actually disagree.  I can see his point, but I think that my envy is not a byproduct.  It's a visceral reaction of its own.  My pride is pricked, but I think that's the byproduct of my envy.

Anyway, my other greatest sin is rifling through people's medicine cabinets.  I'm nosy.


  1. First, I see your initial mistake: talking to your husband. That's crazy. Stop that.
    I would have to agree with you on this and say that Pride is its own sin. How do you explain gluttony? Do you consume/purchase, etc everything in sight because you're proud? No, because you're a glutton or Hugh Hefner at a girl scouts meeting (or LiLo at a smack house - I couldn't choose between these analogies)...tomato, tomato...

  2. I have many, many sins. of course, I don't believe in sin. I just believe in being a good person. so hooray!

    I don't think rifling through others medicine cabinets is a sin. it's more of a commandment. right?

  3. Tonya - yeah, I don't know what I was thinking, talking to my husband. Silly me. I'm glad you agree with me - although I love your analogies. Lilo in a smack house!

    Andy - I like to think that an open cabinet is an invitation.

  4. I get what you're saying. Except when the people I don't like are related to me. I want them to do spectacularly. Be amazingly rich and happy and fulfilled. So they will go away and never want anything from me. I think that must be the evil twin of schadenfreude. Wishing good on people so they'll stop bothering you.

  5. Kathy - I like what you do, but I don't think I'm kind enough for that. When someone fucks with me, I want to end them. Painfully.


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