The husband and I were talking before bed last night, and we didn't finish this conversation, and I haven't quite worked this out in my own head, but I wanted to get this out:
My greatest sin is Envy.
[Here I'm going by the Se7en sins because that's what most people are familiar with. I'm sure other religions, including the one I was raised in, have their own definitions of sins, but that's a whole other topic and I'm too thirsty to write about that - my water is in the other room and I am too lazy to get it.] [Also, how hilarious was Ari on Entourage where he said putting Gwenyth's head in a box in Se7en was his idea? TOTALLY hilarious, that's how hilarious.]
It has plagued me all my life. I know part of the reason is inside me, how I am made. And part of it is having been raised to compete and compare. It's so ingrained that it's like breathing - I see or hear of someone else's good fortune and that bile shoots through me and I envy them whatever - their house, their car, their vacation, their non-nappy hair. I can generally talk myself down from this. I just don't like that it happens in the first place. I'd love to be all zen about my life and how things happen for a reason and blah de blah, but I can't. I really can't. Instead, my initial reaction is envy. Want. I want desperately to have that thing that someone else has. And then happiness at their good fortune. Because I am happy for them. Generally. If it's someone I like. If it's someone I don't like, I'm not happy for them. If it's someone I don't like, I want their lives to be full of despair and ashes. I am not a forgiving person. I am kind of mean-spirited in that way.
The husband said that Pride is his sin and contends that all sins are sins of Pride. I envy because I am proud - because I deserve what that other person has. I'm not sure if that's the case. Of course, I'm not sure if I'm disagreeing with him just because it's what I do [wow, is our relationship fun or what?] or because I actually disagree. I can see his point, but I think that my envy is not a byproduct. It's a visceral reaction of its own. My pride is pricked, but I think that's the byproduct of my envy.
Anyway, my other greatest sin is rifling through people's medicine cabinets. I'm nosy.