The husband and I were talking before bed last night, and we didn't finish this conversation, and I haven't quite worked this out in my own head, but I wanted to get this out:
My greatest sin is Envy.
[Here I'm going by the Se7en sins because that's what most people are familiar with. I'm sure other religions, including the one I was raised in, have their own definitions of sins, but that's a whole other topic and I'm too thirsty to write about that - my water is in the other room and I am too lazy to get it.] [Also, how hilarious was Ari on Entourage where he said putting Gwenyth's head in a box in Se7en was his idea? TOTALLY hilarious, that's how hilarious.]
It has plagued me all my life. I know part of the reason is inside me, how I am made. And part of it is having been raised to compete and compare. It's so ingrained that it's like breathing - I see or hear of someone else's good fortune and that bile shoots through me and I envy them whatever - their house, their car, their vacation, their non-nappy hair. I can generally talk myself down from this. I just don't like that it happens in the first place. I'd love to be all zen about my life and how things happen for a reason and blah de blah, but I can't. I really can't. Instead, my initial reaction is envy. Want. I want desperately to have that thing that someone else has. And then happiness at their good fortune. Because I am happy for them. Generally. If it's someone I like. If it's someone I don't like, I'm not happy for them. If it's someone I don't like, I want their lives to be full of despair and ashes. I am not a forgiving person. I am kind of mean-spirited in that way.
The husband said that Pride is his sin and contends that all sins are sins of Pride. I envy because I am proud - because I deserve what that other person has. I'm not sure if that's the case. Of course, I'm not sure if I'm disagreeing with him just because it's what I do [wow, is our relationship fun or what?] or because I actually disagree. I can see his point, but I think that my envy is not a byproduct. It's a visceral reaction of its own. My pride is pricked, but I think that's the byproduct of my envy.
Anyway, my other greatest sin is rifling through people's medicine cabinets. I'm nosy.
First, I see your initial mistake: talking to your husband. That's crazy. Stop that.
ReplyDeleteI would have to agree with you on this and say that Pride is its own sin. How do you explain gluttony? Do you consume/purchase, etc everything in sight because you're proud? No, because you're a glutton or Hugh Hefner at a girl scouts meeting (or LiLo at a smack house - I couldn't choose between these analogies)...tomato, tomato...
I have many, many sins. of course, I don't believe in sin. I just believe in being a good person. so hooray!
ReplyDeleteI don't think rifling through others medicine cabinets is a sin. it's more of a commandment. right?
Tonya - yeah, I don't know what I was thinking, talking to my husband. Silly me. I'm glad you agree with me - although I love your analogies. Lilo in a smack house!
ReplyDeleteAndy - I like to think that an open cabinet is an invitation.
I get what you're saying. Except when the people I don't like are related to me. I want them to do spectacularly. Be amazingly rich and happy and fulfilled. So they will go away and never want anything from me. I think that must be the evil twin of schadenfreude. Wishing good on people so they'll stop bothering you.
ReplyDeleteKathy - I like what you do, but I don't think I'm kind enough for that. When someone fucks with me, I want to end them. Painfully.
ReplyDelete