This weekend I realized that we/I had made a lot of plans with people. LOTS of plans. Plus, I ended up having to work on Saturday.
Still, I thought I would be able to take care of all the usual stuff [grocery runs, prepping food, laundry, ironing, dusting, cleaning, vacuuming, cleaning the kitchen and bathrooms] that usually gets taken care of during the week, plus the stuff I needed to take care of for this party I was corralled into helping throw.
And I would not ask for help, even though I worked 50 hours, because . . . because, god damn it, I would not. I am capable and a hard worker and . . . evidently an idiot who piles too much on my plate.
I hate to ask for help. And when the husband offers it? I hate to accept it. Even when other people offer it.
Because I make a plan and I stick with it and I CERTAINLY do not need anyone's help, thank you very much.
Until I get so fucking crazy that I start yelling about the smallest little thing. Like WHERE THE FUCK IS THE TAPE??? HUH??? I JUST BOUGHT TAPE WHERE IS IT WHY IS THERE NEVER ANY GOD DAMN TAPE???
I tell you this story to illustrate the level of stubborness and hardheadedness that I war with on a daily basis. A war between my super focused, must follow my plan demented self and my hmmm...why don't you think that over self. Do not tell me I can't do something. Do not tell me I should do something a different way, or not at all or with your help.
If I am in a mood when you tell me this? It will not end well for either of us. Or either of my parts of myself. Am I making sense? Is that heat vapor steaming up my vision?
Accepting help is a hard thing to do. But it makes life so much easier.
I'm 47, and it's only in the last year or so that I have been willing to accept help when it is offered.
ReplyDeletestory of my LIFE. i never ask for help until the weight of whatever it is i'm dealing with is too much to bear. then i start snapping at everyone in a ten-mile radius.
ReplyDeletethe good news is that ever since i started dating the man, who's known me since we were teenagers, he doesn't let me get away with this routine. he starts checking in with me when the stress is at a still-manageable level. it's a nice change...
Real help comes in the form of meth. It will solve all your problems, also, you will be so focused on the teeth you will lose from its use that you will no longer have any time for arguments with yourself.
ReplyDeletethe hardest part about asking for help is asking. once that part is over with the rest is cake. unless the person you asked for help is a moron. then you're screwed.
ReplyDeleteLove it! And we've all been there.
ReplyDeleteThe novelist frequently offers me help, with even the smallest of tasks, and after quietly, calmly and politely declining the offer he says "Are you sure? Don't be too proud honey..."
WHY? WHY UNLEASH THE RAGE MONSTER?!
Unmitigated Me - Good. There's still hope!
ReplyDeleteMagnolia - God, that's wonderful. I'm glad you both figured out a way to deal with it.
Tonya - You always have all the answers to life's little problems.
Simone Says - I choke when I have to ask. Always.
Jo - HAHAHA! Rage Monster! My husband refers to it as Poking the Bear.