Thursday, March 10, 2011

There's a Bright Side to EVERYTHING! Swear!

So on Tuesday night I got an email and phone call that my services were no longer needed at my job.

This was a temp job, so I knew [duh, because I have a dictionary AND google AND passed vocabulary class] that it wasn't a permanent thing.  BUT we were expecting another month, at least, of work, and then SHABAM! Not so much.

So I got . . . fired? Laid off? Technically furloughed, bud*?

I got jobless.

Which, I have to say, I am taking pretty well.  I mean, I haven't gone fetal.  I'm not laying around in my pajamas, eating peanut butter from the jar and watching the neighbors through the blinds.  Not yet, anyway.  [If this is your thing, I'm not judging.  I may, in fact, be a little jealous.]

Anyway, I've decided to come up with job ideas for me, particularly those that will be covered by my newly formed union, Union of Disgruntled Over-educated Underemployed Bitches.  [Your UDOUB (pronounced U DOWB, since you asked, Kathy) union cards are being created - actually! Does anyone have any technical skills to make a badge?  Because that badge would be motherfucking AWESOME.  Let me know.  I would heart you and make you union steward.]

So, finally, without much further ado [god, this is like a union meeting, isn't it?], here is my list of job ideas:
  • Trendsetter/tastemaker. I can totally pretend that wearing chainmail scarves is the next cool thing.  And do it with a straight face.
  • Popcorn tester. But not the gross kind, with cheese.  The good kind, with butter.  Or caramel.  Or chocolate.  But not plain, because I'm in a union for god's sake! I have rights!
  • Senator.  I couldn't do any worse.  Plus, I actually LIKE to wear suits. It's as if I was born to do this. 
  • Boss of you. Or boss of someone you think needs bossing. I am REALLY good at telling people what to do.  And getting on their cases until it gets done.
  • Televangelist.  I am ready, willing and able to fleece people with platitudes.  But only really rich, corrupt people.  So maybe less of a televangelist and more of a life coach. 
  • Color namer.  I could do this for Crayola, any paint company, car companies.  I'm really good.  Like this:  Magellan's Kiss.  Right? Huh? You KNOW it!  You can see that color now, can't you?  I'm gifted that way.
So as you can see, I've got lots of opportunities on the horizon.  Chime in if you have any ideas for me - I'm getting the resume ready!


* Do you know that line?  I will kiss you smack on the mouth if you do!


  1. i am not sure which is worse a politician or an evangelist...smiles. been there, best wishes on whatever your next step is...grab something part time so the money does not disappear as fast, just saying...empress sent me over...

  2. Don't know how you feel about royalty, but I'm holding out for the position that allows me to have a business card that reads "Queen of Everything."

    Please let me know if you hear of anything.

  3. The Crayon Whisperer, I love it.

    You will breathe life into those colors

    Seriously, sorry about the bad news.

  4. You can be the boss of me if you let me work from home.

  5. I would like to have a job sitting on my living room couch, reading books of my own choosing, and occasionally napping.

  6. Oh, good, I needed some new job ideas. I'm sick of peanut butter and my neighbors are boring. :)

  7. ooooh I vote for life coach and senator! I'd so vote for you! also? I may play around with some badge ideas. hee!

  8. Brian, I know. I almost put those two in the same category. I'm working on freelance stuff right now. Hopefully something will turn up. Thanks for visiting!

    Alyson - HELL YES, to royalty. You need that job. And thanks, I'll keep you apprised.

    Empress - I hadn't thought about that title! I should contact Discovery or TLC. And thanks. For everything.

    Cecelia - Done and done.

    Sarah - Yes, I think that would be the perfect job for you.

    Kristy - Glad I could help!

    Andygirl - YAY! I LOVE YOU!!!

  9. First I'm sorry that you got jobless before you expecting it to happen.

    All of those ideas are excellent but my favorite is the color name and I liked The Empress's name for the position "The Crayon Whisperer" You should really contact Crayola.

  10. I'm so sorry!!!!
    Well, I plan on winning the mega millions lottery this week so just pack your bags and head to NYC. Can you cook? Do you like 3 yr olds? No and no? That's ok. We can just watch tv together. You get me!

  11. I would totally wear a lightweight, non-scratchy chainmail scarf.

  12. LOVE the union acronym. just love it.

    sucks that you're unemployed, though. it's rough out here, says the lawyer currently interviewing in a market where a major firm just fell apart, depositing about 200 lawyers into the market with more experience (!!!)...

  13. I will absolutely eat popcorn with you because you clearly know the way popcorn should be eaten.

    Also? I need a life coach. And I'll be your partner in fleecing, if you need one.

    As for the Crayon Whisperer? That is pure genius. I can't even pretend to be worthy of such a task.

    But you know what job I always thought would be cool?

    Foley Artist. I know. It's even a real job. Just imagine it. Getting to make sounds for things out of other things that sound like the things they're supposed to sound like only they aren't those things.

    (p.s. Perhaps you could use your crayola-naming talents to help me find words better than "sounds" and "things".)

  14. Could you do the color name thing for Revlon? Since, I can in fact see that color, I know Magellan's Kiss would be an ideal new lipstick or nail polish or BOTH!

    You should be able to accomplish this for me under the position of Trendsetter, Boss, and Senator (you could just, you know, earmark it) as I'll be waiting at the cosmetics counter.

    See you there!

  15. You made me snort a piece of carrot up into my sinus cavity, so, you know, there's maybe a job in doing that to people?

    You = awesome
    People who furlough you = asshats

    That is all.

  16. You made me snort a piece of carrot up into my sinus cavity, so, you know, there's maybe a job in doing that to people?

    You = awesome
    People who furlough you = asshats

    That is all.

  17. The Empress sent me and I think we may be soul mates, as we have the same library at both our books need dusting though. At any rate - sorry about the layoff, but I don't think there are enough good Crayon namers and this may be your big chance. Suck it, Burnt Siena!

    In all seriousness, getting laid off (or technically, furloughed) is not fun, have been through it myself and will send you some good thoughts. It always works out, but it's hard to remember that until it's already worked out.

  18. Life-coach, I love it. The Empress was right. You funny, girl. Even when unemployed. I'm voting for you for Senator.

  19. How about OPI nail polish namer (this would be my dream job!) Or, Wine namer & label maker. What would be the best if you had both jobs at the same could drink on the job!

  20. Ok, WonderGirl and I think that Magellan's Kiss is awesome and probably a shade of red.

    You are indeed made for that career. Call Crayola. Now. Fucking awesome.

  21. Jessica, I am sorely tempted to contact Crayola. Why not? They'll say no? BIG DEAL!

    Tonya, for you, I will cook like crazy. Let's do this. XO

    Kathy, that scarf would look amazing on you.

    Magnolia, thanks! Good luck to you, too.

    Nari, you are a GENIUS. I hadn't even thought of cosmetics. Brilliant.

    Lori, I think that would be a great job - healthy, too, because of the carrot. [Hope your sinus heals]

    Nancy, my soul mate, thanks so much for the good thoughts. And the hilarious thing? I was TOTALLY thinking of Burnt Sienna.

    Chalupa, Thanks! I appreciate it.

    Lanita, I LOVE OPI!! Why didn't I think of that? I'm wearing Pompeiian Purple. It's in the stars.

    Brandi, thanks! I'm glad you can see Magellan's Kiss.

  22. You could wear Chanel suits as a senator. I really think that it is the best job of the bunch. Healthcare and a pension. Good deal.

  23. I'm here by royal decree of The Empress. That lady knows her bloggy stuff.

    I'm a fan of the Boss of You job. However? The position has already been filled. By me.


    I am that chica who eats peanut butter straight from the jar while watching the neighbors. But I stand right in front of the window, blinds open. Gots to OWN my pathetic snoopiness, yo.

  24. What is this job business thingy? I want one. I may just make that badge...

  25. Blerg. Sorry about the job loss. I wish I could give you mine, Sunny.

    Also: Professional Gwyneth Paltrow Hater?

  26. Don't just contact Crayola, make a video of your idea and let it go viral on YouTube! They will come to you!

    You are hereby invited to be the boss of me, since the one I have is a total douchebag.

  27. just keep writing. you love it and you're incredibly talented. i'm sure the universe will point you in directions where your writing will bring income. trick is, you have to open up to the possibilities... so maybe become a professional go-with-the-flow gal.

  28. I'd actually fight you over Color Namer. Unless of course Street Namer was available.


Every time you comment, I get a lady boner.