Thursday, April 21, 2011

I'm like your PR person, but with MUCH better advice

You see them out there, making you crazy. 

You wonder what they were thinking and why no one around them had the courtesy to say, "Hey, you know what? NOT such a good idea.  Let's take a step back and have a nice snack and think about this before we act."  Or even, "Dude. NO."

Celebrities.  It's like they're our collective dumb inbred cousins.

But! I'm here to help.  Because I'm a giver. 

Actually, it's because I hate the stupid.

So, here's a list of 10 Celebrity Dont's:

1.  Don't dangle your baby over the balcony. [Yes, I know he's dead, but I still can't believe it happened.]

YAYAYAYAYAAYA!
2.  Don't fuck your co-star.
Him: Seriously?  Her: I dumped Dennis Quaid?


Him:  She's . . . oooh, shiny.
Her: If I work for UNICEF & the UN long enough, will people forget I'm a manstealing freak?

3.  Don't think your marginal talent in one area magically transfers into other areas. [GP]
HEEHEHEEHEE! I'm awesome!
4.  Don't starve your body - sweet Jesus, be healthy, eat a sandwich. You look like you.  Stop trying to fit a mold.  Or into a mold. 
It's so gooooood.  Try a little bite.
Actual size.
5.  Don't confuse being famous with having talent.
Good job standing upright in a row. BRA. VO. 
6.  Don't confuse a shirt with a dress.  
If in doubt, just put on a pair of pants.
7.  Don't forget to shower.
Greasy inside and out.
8.  Don't be racist.

Yeah, there's no crazy here.
9.  Don't think that just anyone can run for president.
I AM SO SMART! S-M-R-T! I mean S-M-A-R-T! You betcha.
No, seriously. I lost money in NY real estate AND casinos. And the hair is real.
10.  Don't forget to CONTINUE BEING AWESOME.
Hell. Yes.

You're welcome.

Mama’s Losin’ It
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37 comments:

  1. SuzieApril 21, 2011 at 9:16 AM

    #7 is the most important! LOL!Well, and #9... :-)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Pumpkin Delight (Kimberly)April 21, 2011 at 9:29 AM

    I think #5 is most important. Sick if people being famous for being famous. Super list!

    stopped by from mama kat's

    ReplyDelete
  3. AudreyaApril 21, 2011 at 9:32 AM

    Great list!
    I had to call out GP on mine too. Pick a genre then stick with it, people!

    Stopping by from Mama Kat's

    ReplyDelete
  4. TonyaApril 21, 2011 at 10:06 AM

    AWESOME!!!! I think #5 is my favorite!!
    And, of course, I appreciate your shout out to my boyfriend. Em has asked me to tell you: "You's a kickin' bitch! I'm touched, yo!"

    ReplyDelete
  5. ~CarolynAApril 21, 2011 at 10:39 AM

    OMG! So this is what's going on in the world? I'm still in recovery from Palin and I isolate myself with the #10's in my bubble. Thanks for the update! And for visiting.

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  6. Kristy @LoveandblasphemyApril 21, 2011 at 11:04 AM

    Mmmm, thanks for the thrill this morning with your #10. Yummy.

    ReplyDelete
  7. AlexandraApril 21, 2011 at 11:48 AM

    Why do you make me feel like doing the Jersey Shore FistPump?

    Always?

    Hell to the yeah for #8 and #10.

    And you have just done MamaKat like it's never been done before.

    ReplyDelete
  8. The Absence of AlternativesApril 21, 2011 at 12:28 PM

    Hell to the yeah!

    And #10 applies to you m'lady for coming up with this list that makes me go TRU DAT!

    ReplyDelete
  9. JessicaApril 21, 2011 at 12:46 PM

    Hilarious, of course.

    I loved the quote under the picture of the model "actual size"

    ReplyDelete
  10. Kittie FlynApril 21, 2011 at 1:08 PM

    honorable mention: don't make a movie with your significant other

    as always this had me laughing as i read it!

    ReplyDelete
  11. JulieApril 21, 2011 at 2:06 PM

    Is it possible for me to say I love and agree with your ENTIRE LIST without sounding like a revolting, butt-kissing asshole?

    If it is not, then pick one of the ten and I'll pretend I don't like it.

    But I do. Like it.

    All of it.

    And now, I'm off to eat a sandwich. Not just a bite, either.

    ReplyDelete
  12. BillApril 21, 2011 at 2:26 PM

    I still can't believe Gwyneth is singing now. and cooking. and, wait, what? piloting commercial aircraft? ok, well THAT I could believe.

    ReplyDelete
  13. karensomethingorotherApril 21, 2011 at 2:32 PM

    Aw, you added Gwynnie to the list. You go girl. Why are these people put on pedestals?!? It's BAFFLING, FREAKING BAFFLING. There are no "stars" any longer. Hollywood movies mostly bite these days. How about adding Aniston to the list? She has to fit in there somewhere..or is she in the Gwyneth boat...

    ReplyDelete
  14. LLA_PrincessApril 21, 2011 at 2:37 PM

    Perfect. Perfectly hilarious that is. I knew I liked you after #10. One of the greatest things to come out of Michigan besides me and the PMuffintop of course

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  15. Mama KatApril 21, 2011 at 3:55 PM

    Awesome list! I could have really used you last night when I got to #8 and was FRESH OUT of any more ideas. Took me forever to come up with those final 2...which is why my post has no pictures. LOVE the photos you added!

    ReplyDelete
  16. The SweetestApril 21, 2011 at 3:59 PM

    Awesome list. But I have to admit that I don't know who that last person is. I live in a media-less bubble.

    ReplyDelete
  17. LindsApril 21, 2011 at 4:03 PM

    Oh, gooooooood list!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  18. CrystalApril 21, 2011 at 4:15 PM

    Holy hell I LOVE your list!! L-O-V-E it!!! Well done and bravo to you!! Stopping from Mama Kat's....but you knew that already!

    ReplyDelete
  19. AiringMyLaundryApril 21, 2011 at 4:16 PM

    This made me giggle. Love all the photos.

    ReplyDelete
  20. magnoliaApril 21, 2011 at 4:47 PM

    amen. especially to #9.

    ReplyDelete
  21. kisatrtleApril 21, 2011 at 4:52 PM

    WOW! Great list!

    ReplyDelete
  22. alonewithcatsApril 21, 2011 at 5:44 PM

    Seriously. Meg Ryan dumped Dennis Quaid. That happened. Probably in an email. What sort of sick world are we living in????

    ReplyDelete
  23. AmandaApril 21, 2011 at 5:54 PM

    Sometimes I think celebrities exist to make us feel better.

    ReplyDelete
  24. PoppyApril 21, 2011 at 7:20 PM

    If you could make Gwinny go away period, I'd be really really happy. I spilled my drink on her taut abs that were taunting me from the cover of my Self magazine. Bitch needs a sandwich with extra mayo.

    ReplyDelete
  25. PoppyApril 21, 2011 at 7:20 PM

    If you could make Gwinny go away period, I'd be really really happy. I spilled my drink on her taut abs that were taunting me from the cover of my Self magazine. Bitch needs a sandwich with extra mayo.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Heather (aka Sugar Free)April 21, 2011 at 7:39 PM

    Uhhgggg. The fuckin' Kardashians.

    This was awesome. Excellent job, my dear!

    ReplyDelete
  27. UnknownApril 21, 2011 at 8:17 PM

    On bahlf of Australia I apologise sincerely for Mel Gibson. Though he has been living in Hollywood for decades and he was alright when we sent him over... I suspect he's been hanging with Charlie Sheen.

    Awesome list. Love it. You rock. Marry me.

    Sarah xxx

    ReplyDelete
  28. unmitigated meApril 21, 2011 at 8:34 PM

    Nice shot of MM. Where's Charlie, though? Maybe he should have been listed with GP under transferring marginal talent.

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  29. GrandeMochaApril 21, 2011 at 8:42 PM

    Don't fuck your coworker is good advice for everyone! Nice list.

    ReplyDelete
  30. SimoneApril 21, 2011 at 9:17 PM

    can you do a campaign for me? i need more hits on my blog. also, can you make me sound awesome? lie. i'm cool with that.

    ReplyDelete
  31. La-JuiceApril 21, 2011 at 9:25 PM

    I WILL NEVER FORGET that shiny man-stealing blood licking freak stole Jen's husband and I will always assume her "work" with UNICEF is a front to hide her own personal children's army of Cambodian and Afghanistan poppy seed pickers for her heroine stock pile. That or she eats babies.

    ReplyDelete
  32. UnknownApril 22, 2011 at 6:42 AM

    You know I have this great show Idea to air just after Top model called Eat a GD Sandwich. Intervention style we pull up our kidnap.. i mean production vehicle and abduc.. (cough) invite said too skinny person to eat a gd sandwich or stay in the little white room, i mean backstage until she does.

    ReplyDelete
  33. the mrsApril 22, 2011 at 9:04 PM

    You are so funny I can't stand it. I'm so glad you mentioned MJ's baby dangling. Whenever I see that Blanket kid, I'm all: YOU! He dangled YOU off a balcony!!! HOW ARE YOU NOT DEAD?

    ReplyDelete
  34. Laural Out LoudApril 24, 2011 at 12:23 AM

    I can't believe you dissed the Kardhashians! They work HARD for their money- it's not easy getting paid to get dolled up and say Hi at parties! And you don't like Gerard Butler's grease? I'd shimmy up to his greasy ass any time ;-)

    ReplyDelete
  35. SharonApril 24, 2011 at 4:14 AM

    #2 Dennis Quaid is still fricking totally hot, Russell Crowe? Ewww, and how's our career going, Meg, since everyone knows how truly bad your judgement can be?

    #5 Seriously, Bruce? You were a national fricking Olympic hero...not your just a Kardashian accessory...be ashamed.

    #7 Greasy or not, I'd like to slide all over THAT.

    #10 Hell FUCKING Yes...pardon my French

    Awesome blog!

    ReplyDelete
  36. KirApril 25, 2011 at 8:49 AM

    the reasons you are awesome: CONTINUE, what a fantastic list!!!!!

    (I will never understand Brad getting with Angelina, I'm convinced she isn't human. Just sayin)

    ReplyDelete
  37. Lori DyanApril 25, 2011 at 1:47 PM

    You made my day with this. And Mr. Mathers? Oh HELL YES!

    I think we need to do a blogher-style shindig with blogging chicks that make me laugh...with no motive aside from making each other pee pee laugh and enjoying very strong cocktails. You in?

    ReplyDelete

Every time you comment, I get a lady boner.

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