Thursday, April 7, 2011

It's Actually Happening

We're spending the day at one of the high schools that the girl is considering. This school wasn't an option, since we were on the hook for *cough cough* dollars.  Which we do not have.  Particularly since I've been UNEMPLOYED.  So I spoke to the Dean and they graciously came back with a bigger award, putting our kick-in amount at a much smaller, probably more manageable number.

This school, however, is 9 hours away.  So we're spending a big fucking bag of money visiting it.  Which I am trying not to be mad about, because it's important [obviously] to see it, but I get very, very stingy when I'm not working.

Anyway, I was crunching numbers, and even with transportation and visiting costs, this school comes out as a cheaper option than the other boarding school the girl is considering.  The one 45 minutes away.

Obviously, both are more expensive than the public school program she was accepted into, but we're trying to make the boarding school thing happen.  Everyone has their ideas about what would be best for their kids.  Well, this is ours.

And this school is a fucking amazing place.  I mean, I want to move in there.

The problem is - so does the girl.

Ever since the husband and I thought about having a kid, even in the abstract, he was of the opinion that a boarding school would be perfect for high school.  I thought about my teenage years, and the craptacular high school I went to, and agreed.  Who WOULDN'T want to go away as a teenager? And what parent wouldn't want to get rid of that angsty teenager?

Well, it turns out THIS parent.  This parent who is having massive anxiety about it.

And I hate that I am.

I have made any number of decisions because of fear, and I have regretted every one of them.

And I can feel myself ready to make a fear based decision here - where I, for some reason, determine that the girl attending Awesome Academy is just not a good plan for us.  I'm sure I'll come up with some very good reasons - it's what I do for a living, make an argument and bolster it with every fact and assertion I can, and I'm damn good at it.  The problem is that the reasons will not be real.

I mean, they may be issues, but the real reason is that I'm afraid.

I'm afraid to let my kid have the opportunity of a lifetime.  I'm afraid that I'll be unable to handle any crisis that comes up.

I'm fucking terrified of doing this.

But I'll hate myself if we don't.  I think.  It's so hard to see clearly right now.  But the decision day is Friday. So I need to stop fucking around.


  1. Yes, it *is* tough when children leave home - my first (of four) children recently joined the USAF and is out on his own.

    I was more emotional about him leaving than I would have thought (much to my wife's surprise since I was a bit of a hardass on my son). It was tough knowing that, should anything happen, there wasn't much I could do to help - he was 1,500 miles away. But I *knew* that it was not only something that he wanted to do, it was also something that would ultimately be very good for him.

    Yes, it'll be tough at lie...but you'll get through it...and you're laying the foundation for a more successful life for your daughter. :-)

  2. OMG, I dread the day they ever want to move away from me. My oldest (5) promises she will live with me forever, yay!

    I will probably change my mind, but at this point her promises suits me just fine. Good Luck making your decision, sounds like a tough one.

  3. My 2 older sisters went to boarding school, and they STILL speak of how wonderful it was.

    When it came down to me, my mother could no longer afford it.

    I am jealous of their memories.

    I say, close your eyes and your heart will tell you the RIGHT thing to do.

    Just like that. THe first thought you have, is it.

  4. I can't get over how cool it is that you're even considering sending your daughter to boarding school. That right there is awesome.

    Anyway, I'll go with what The Empress said (because she's always the wisest). Go with what feels best to your heart.

  5. of course you're afraid. I'd be worried if you weren't. just explore that and ride it out. everything will work out.

  6. Is it bad if my first thought upon figuring out you were talking about boarding school was 'I'm accidentally reading a blog from England in the fifties?'. I'm not sure I even knew boarding school existed any more. Although it does make more sense than bussing to a school nine hours away. Yeah, clearly I have nothing constructive to add. I'm guessing boarding schools have come a long way since England in the fifties?

  7. can't blame you for a second for being fearful. my daddy was a bundle of nerves for weeks before i left for undergrad. but you sound also pretty confident that this is a rock-star kind of opportunity for your kid, and it comes through in your words that there's no way you want to stand in the way of something so great for her.

    hope that's some kind of consolation. being among the non-reproducing population, i have no actual experience upon which to draw here. all i can do is send encouragement. hope it helps...

  8. just breathe in and out. ask for guidance. the answers will come. nothing good comes out of fear. only love.

  9. FEar is natural. Don't be ashamed of it. Happens to the best of us.

  10. Parenting is hard and I don't envy you having to make this decision.


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