We're spending the day at one of the high schools that the girl is considering. This school wasn't an option, since we were on the hook for *cough cough* dollars. Which we do not have. Particularly since I've been UNEMPLOYED. So I spoke to the Dean and they graciously came back with a bigger award, putting our kick-in amount at a much smaller, probably more manageable number.
This school, however, is 9 hours away. So we're spending a big fucking bag of money visiting it. Which I am trying not to be mad about, because it's important [obviously] to see it, but I get very, very stingy when I'm not working.
Anyway, I was crunching numbers, and even with transportation and visiting costs, this school comes out as a cheaper option than the other boarding school the girl is considering. The one 45 minutes away.
Obviously, both are more expensive than the public school program she was accepted into, but we're trying to make the boarding school thing happen. Everyone has their ideas about what would be best for their kids. Well, this is ours.
And this school is a fucking amazing place. I mean, I want to move in there.
The problem is - so does the girl.
Ever since the husband and I thought about having a kid, even in the abstract, he was of the opinion that a boarding school would be perfect for high school. I thought about my teenage years, and the craptacular high school I went to, and agreed. Who WOULDN'T want to go away as a teenager? And what parent wouldn't want to get rid of that angsty teenager?
Well, it turns out THIS parent. This parent who is having massive anxiety about it.
And I hate that I am.
I have made any number of decisions because of fear, and I have regretted every one of them.
And I can feel myself ready to make a fear based decision here - where I, for some reason, determine that the girl attending Awesome Academy is just not a good plan for us. I'm sure I'll come up with some very good reasons - it's what I do for a living, make an argument and bolster it with every fact and assertion I can, and I'm damn good at it. The problem is that the reasons will not be real.
I mean, they may be issues, but the real reason is that I'm afraid.
I'm afraid to let my kid have the opportunity of a lifetime. I'm afraid that I'll be unable to handle any crisis that comes up.
I'm fucking terrified of doing this.
But I'll hate myself if we don't. I think. It's so hard to see clearly right now. But the decision day is Friday. So I need to stop fucking around.