Wednesday, April 27, 2011

They're called private parts for a reason. COMPLETELY NSFW. You've been warned.

Hey, do you know what would be awesome?

If I could go ONE FUCKING DAY without seeing someone's ass crack.

I am done.

I really am.

I cannot fathom the need people have to wear pants that QUITE OBVIOUSLY don't fit and pair them with shirts that are QUITE OBVIOUSLY not long enough.

For a while, I would address the issue.  I would tell someone, "Hey, you can see your butt when you stand up/sit down/ bend over/ breathe." 

It never seemed to make a difference.  It's like people want to be pole dancers, but just can't seem to get over that last moral hump and so think occasional flashes of ass crack is an acceptable way to get that sexytime thrill and still be able to look their daddies in the eye at family dinner.

It's not ok that I know what your ass looks like.  It's really not.  Partly because I'm not diapering/having sex/physically examining you, partly because I'm not paying you money to get your grind on to Pour Some Sugar On Me, and partly because I have yet to see an ass crack where I thought - TOTALLY WORTH IT.
You know what? Not even this.  Sorry, Becks, but your butt crack doesn't . . . well, maybe.  Except, how creepy that you have your kid's name tattooed over your ass like a tramp stamp.  Seriously.  Not your best decision.  Source.
So do everyone a favor today.  Think about the comments or the draft you get when you're, say, at work, or at your kid's Open House or at the doctor's office or in court or at the grocery store.

If you realize you  are constantly hiking them up so that you are FULLY COVERED, then you need to either size up or start wearing mom jeans. 

Actually, enlist the help of a friend, or better yet, a frenemy.   You obviously can't be trusted to do this on your own.

[Obviously, I was visually assaulted by a butt crack today.  I can't unsee this, people.  Cut me a break.]

33 comments:

  1. Agreed....maybe if David was standing his ass would look Better!

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  2. This even happens to me at work. With people that I, otherwise, like.

    I wish they made ass spackle.

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  3. I think you are onto something. What this world needs? Is an "unsee ass crack" hand-held device for all of us to carry around. You push a little butt-on (heh...catch that?) and voila! What ass crack?

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  4. I agree. My hub's crack is always hanging out - and if I don't even want to see his, why the hell would I want to see a stranger's? FFS!

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  5. I don't understand how people can't feel the air on their crack when it's out in the open. It's just sad and painful for all involved. Maybe we need to start posting pictures of ass-crack sitings online to possibly bring more awareness to the subject and rid the world of these traumatic events. haha

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  6. I just start throwing pennies at people's butts, trying to get them to go down the "coin-slot". Seems to be more therapeutic than effective.

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  7. I like Bill's idea. And, if the coin goes in, you should yell COIN SLOT!

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  8. I'm not that into butts - not even Beckham's. Although I think Lynn is right - if he stood up it might be better.

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  9. there was a mom at our local early years centre who exposed a fascinating amount of crack each week, like, she was practically sitting on bare ass. She wasn't sexy though, but I do think she's permanently on planet oblivio, where you can be happy all the time, and fruit loops are always on the menu.

    high waisted jeans are not so bad (as long as the cuffs are never, ever "straight leg"). When you sit down, you can tuck your ruined mom tummy in like a bad shirt, and VOILA--smooth and sexay! Oh, but you have to wear a long shirt over top. Mommy's little secret.

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  10. Post script: wearing a cute little lacy thong that looks more like a forgotten piece of butt floss to cover the crack is NOT a solution, either.

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  11. crack should be reserved for contractors and plumbers. Otherwise, get a clue people!

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  12. I don't care how hot Becks is, that photo is disturbing.

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  13. The Beckster looks like he's humping the bed. Me no likey.

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  14. The extent of the trauma done to you is palpable.

    Come here, honey...

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  15. Hear, hear! The same goes for the muffin top...and I'm not talking the covered muffin top/beer gut. Wear a shirt that covers the fat hairy gut, guys! And ladies, don't wear a short shirt and tight jeans that bare your ass crack AND your muffin top. We're quickly becoming 'people of walmart'. I miss Grunge solely b/c people were covered all...the...time

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  16. I know this goes against the point of this post, but oddly, I was turned out by that picture of the guy with the tatoo on his lower back. Keep in mind, I had no idea that was his kid's name tattooed there!

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  17. also, just noticed the source is "gay-black-Canadian-man.com" sort of overly specific, no? also, how did you come across this website? does this give us a hint about the identity of the anonymous suniverse?

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  18. You should start a foundation. I would give.

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  19. I love that you would tell people about their ass cracks - AWESOME! Even more awesome, posting a picture of Beck's ass. Totally weird with his kid's name on it - but yet, better than Danny Devito, n'est pas?

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  20. Send them my way, I don't have a problem with that. Unless it's a dude's, gross.

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  21. This is the best excuse for Mom Jeans I've ever heard!

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  22. What the hell is Becks selling in that there picture??? I hope it's not the bed sheets...all I can think is "snail trail" and I will NOT be buying that linen set!
    Yea, I don't get the need to show off the G-string. It's disturbing.

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  23. What. The. Fuck. I'm sorry, but whoever was with Becks when he decided to get that tattoo is an asshole for not telling him that his son's name above his buttcrack is pervalicious (I'm looking at YOU, Posh). Also, do I detect a thong tan line? OK, I've been staring at that photo for entirely too long.
    I 100% agree with all of the previous comments EXCEPT for Kittie Flyn. EMBRACE YOUR MUFFIN!

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  24. I don't think I like Becks anymore now. You dream crusher.

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  25. I cracked (sorry) up when I read this.

    I know what you mean though.

    Whenever I see an adult walking around with their ass crack hanging out, I want to shout, "Do you not feel a draft?"

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  26. Wait...is his kid named Brooklyn? Or is my bad eyesight to blame here. I'd like a closer look in any case. Totally agree with you about the butt crack thing. Wish I could convince a certain daughter of mine who just doesn't seem to get it and thus I spend a lot of time standing directly in back of her.

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  27. I recently got a shot in the ass, and I would have preferred that even the doctor not be privy to that view.

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  28. i think someone should invent a spray. it would be some sort of shot of paint or perhaps a minty blob of toothpastey goo that you can spray onto the visible cracks of others. if they won't cover it up, you can cover it for them. maybe that'd teach them. and it could come in a handy dandy keyring size for convenient useage when you see one in front of you. just blast them & then shrug sagely.

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  29. This post is too frigg'in funny! I know that it is an old post but I saw the title (well the picture) when I was writing my last comment and couldn't resist. Thanks for the great chuckle. I am pretty sure there is so much MORE crack now a days, is because there is SO much MORE beely. It has nowhere to hide, if you know what I mean. Pants need to be made like they were when I was a teenager, the high elastic waisted ones. lol

    Lynn

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  30. See? This is why we're friends. I like to bring extra change with me to church so I can drop it into the hoochie-mamas' coin slots when they kneel down to pray. Sometimes actions speak louder than words.

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Every time you comment, I get a lady boner.