Thursday, April 28, 2011

You Weren't Invited, But You Should Probably Send Something. It's Only Polite.

I didn't think I'd jump on this, because you know me, I'm so far back in pop culture that I'd think it's QEII and Old What's His Name getting married.  BUT.  I'm debating sleeping over at my parents' house so my mom, my sister and I can wake up extra-crispy early to watch the wedding [they're making SCONES! And hooray for funemployment!], and, frankly, I'm a sucker for a list.


Get your Macy's and Bed Bath and Beyond coupons ready, because here are your


A patio umbrella.  Those balconies at Kensington Palace are right out in the sun, and with Kate's fair skin and Wills' . . . increased head area . . . this will aid in avoiding wrinkling and sunburn.

A Welcome Mat - probably several.  There are lots of doors in those old palaces, and you don't want to make everyone take their shoes off to come in after they've been out on the hunt or fleeing from the rabble.  Maybe one with their initials, or, better yet, a whimsical one to show that Royals Are Fun, Too!
See? Fun for everyone! You want one, too, don't you? From here.
Any one of the AMAZING Shark Steam Products.  I confess, this is mostly because I find them fascinating and desperately want one, but am reluctant to part with cash for something that is AS SEEN ON TV. But seriously? STEAM CLEAN MY BATHROOM? Do you not understand how much I want an autoclave for my house?  This is as close as I will probably get.

An air mattress. Kate and Will are probably going to be deluged with guests once they're married and need a place for their friends & families to crash after a wild night out flogging peasants and dressing as Nazis. This way, their friends will be fine for one night, but won't want to stay longer, because air mattresses just suck to sleep on.  Hospitality + Ensured Privacy = Perfect Gift!

Beach towels.  You can never have too many, because you're always leaving one at the public pool or in Wales.  And, if you get them matching ones, they'll look totally adorable on their honeymoon in all the papparazzi pictures sure to grace the cover of OK Magazine.

Yankee Candles.  Everyone loves a good smell, and I hate to be the one who brings this up, but some of those old castles smell kind of musty.  Plus, everyone knows how stupid expensive those things are, so they'll know you didn't chintz and get them the knock-off Target brand Bahama Breeze candles like a total cheap ass.

Couch covers.  Because Kate's taste is probably not QEII's taste.  Maybe a fun zebra stripe or a kicky plaid to break up the monotony of brocaded silk and moire. And everyone's way more casual now, anyway, right?

A Roomba.  How much easier will palace living be when, with the touch of a button, your marble floors will be cleaned automatically! Sure, they have staff who have been doing this for years, but everyone's been tightening their belts, and this way, they can lay off a bunch of people and replace them with robots.  Just like the automotive industry!

Solar garden stakes and a Jumbo Solar Rock.  The royals love their gardens, and this way the party doesn't have to end just because the sun has set.  By setting these bug and butterfly shaped lights along a garden path, people will be able to find their way into the house to use the bathroom or refresh their drinks.  Or short-sheet Kate & Wills' bed.
Kitschy AND practical. From here.
Plus, the Jumbo Solar Rock will provide ample illumination for a nighttime game of charades.
So handy to have around.  From here.

Cash. You know how hard it is for a couple of young kids just starting out.

Mama’s Losin’ It


  1. here's the thing: all along I'm like "I'm not getting up--forget that!" but as more and more people are talking about it, MONKEY WANT TO DO TOO. Damn it.

  2. p.s. my husband makes the dopest scones I've ever had.

  3. Yankee Candles..>OF COURSE!!!!! Do they have electricity in castles??? ;)

    OMG< I sent this list to my BFF and she called me ...but she couldn't talk she was laughing so much..and she wants that mat now. DAMN YOU

  4. Well, I already got them a Snuggie each, for those cold castle evenings when they're curled up watching Britain's Got Talent. Do you think I should have sent cash instead? Fuck.

    Sarah xxx

  5. Lol, I love this list! Funny ideas, although I totally want some of them for myself;)

  6. I was thinking about sending my three year old over to them. I figure she would be GREAT birth control for the newlyweds.:)

  7. Stopping in from Mama Kat's.

    My favorite on your list is the air mattress. I bet they wouldn't know what it is. Can't you just see them opening it with those puzzled looks on their faces?

  8. Fantastic list! Feel free to send me all of those things... because, you may not realize it, but as a teen I was quite certain I would be marrying Wills. Darn you, Kate!

    PS: I didn't even make it past "Wills' increased head area" before I was cracking up!!

  9. How are you so funny? How? You're like a wizard or something.

    I hate those cheap ass Yankee Candle wannabes. I use them to decorate my bathroom because that's how highly I regard them.


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  11. Perfection! All of my last-minute-I-should-send-a-gift anxiety is quelled. So. Do you want to go halvesies on a beach towel?

  12. I have to say, I think the royal couple would enjoy any of these suggested gifts EXCEPT for the Yankee candles. The British tend to look down their noses at the bloody yanks, even in candle form.

  13. You totally outed me. I was on my way to short-sheet their honeymoon bed.

    Because attaching cans and shoes and a "Just Married - Help Me" sign to the back of a Royal Carriage just didn't say Mischief to me.

    DANG it.

    Well, I suppose there's always the Gnome mat.

  14. Every couple should receive Yankee Candles and cash on their wedding day. I think it's in the handbook.

  15. I am getting them matching "Gnasher tats" of Beckham's butt crack. The gift that eats like a meal.

  16. scones are ALWAYS a good thing.

  17. I think the couch covers are the most practical. After all KM is a COMMONER

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  19. When I marry my cats, you're *so* invited.

  20. I wrote the above comment. I'm sure you knew that, though.

  21. You said "kicky plaid"! I LOVE you.

  22. I'm sending your list to everyone in my family, because really, I think any one of those gifts would be perfect for any gift-giving occasion. And because if my sister-in-law gives me one more coffee mug with a snowman on it (and she KNOWS I don't drink coffee), Christmas is gonna get even uglier.

  23. This is seriously one of my favorite posts of all time on any blog!!! Loooveeeee yooooouuuuu!!

  24. Hahaa.. Cash, indeed!
    I didn't have the attention span to attempt this one, but I'd totally get them a Shake Weight - they could both use it, I'm sure :)


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