Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Loooove, TWUUUU LOOOOOVE

Scene: Bedroom, very, very late at night.  Or maybe 11:00pm.  I don't know, I go to bed early.

Me [crossly, because I was ASLEEP and the husband came to bed and WOKE ME UP like he does every fucking night, and also fixing my pillows in a menacing fashion, because I can't get comfortable]: Why do you do this every night? You woke me up! You ruined my pillows!

The Husband [calmly, marking his place in his book]: It must be nice to be married to your nemesis.  You conveniently have someone to blame when everything goes wrong.

Me: ......

The Husband [smirkily]: You know, we said, "For better or for worse."

Me [still adjusting pillows, unhappily]: When does the better kick in? Because it's been worse, poorer and sickness.

The Husband: Better, richer and in health were just options, not guarantees.

Me: That is NOT fair.

The Husband: We might not even love each other better, richer or in health.

Me [finally getting my pillows organized]: I'm willing to take that chance.

End scene.
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23 comments:

  1. KirMay 3, 2011 at 8:06 AM

    A patient husband...a cranky wife...sounds like a good sitcom my friend.
    Options hmmm? I wish someone had explained the fine print..lol!

    Thanks for my giggle of the morning!

    ReplyDelete
  2. TonyaMay 3, 2011 at 9:37 AM

    Well first let me say hats off to you for referencing Princess Bride! Best. Movie. Ever.
    I think this same scene plays out at my house every night too...maybe we are sister wives and don't even realize it?

    ReplyDelete
  3. TonyaMay 3, 2011 at 9:38 AM

    And yay! Blogger is letting me comment again! That sacrificial virgin must have done the trick!

    ReplyDelete
  4. UnknownMay 3, 2011 at 10:26 AM

    My husband used to wake me up every night too! Turns out I am much better at divorce than I ever was at mawwiage.

    Twue story.

    Sarah xxx

    ReplyDelete
  5. magnoliaMay 3, 2011 at 10:57 AM

    ain't love grand?

    boys. can't live with them, can't cut 'em up in tiny pieces and scatter them in the yard.

    ReplyDelete
  6. TwinismsMay 3, 2011 at 11:33 AM

    The way that my husband tosses and turns before going to bed makes me want to kill him. Really kill him, not just think about killing him. Maybe that's what they meant by "till death do us part."

    ReplyDelete
  7. MrsJenBMay 3, 2011 at 2:10 PM

    Many is the night I've laid there with a pillow in my hands, just ready to smother my bedmate.

    ReplyDelete
  8. VeronicaMay 3, 2011 at 2:21 PM

    The joy of being married.

    I go up to bed and my husband is snoring and drooling...

    Not sure which scenario is better lol.

    ReplyDelete
  9. karensomethingorotherMay 3, 2011 at 2:33 PM

    that scene is eerily reminiscent of my own night time sleep adventures. Could you also add the parts whereby the husband sleeps directly on his face for a bit, holds his breath and scratches himself, does that annoying LEG THING, and snores so loud you're starting to think you need to buy that sleep apnea machine to use as white noise???

    ReplyDelete
  10. BibliomamaMay 3, 2011 at 3:35 PM

    I'm the one that reads late into the night. My husband sleeps really annoyingly though - he hugs one pillow and flings one hand so far behind his head he could touch his opposite shoulderblade. Sometimes I wake him up just because he looks so dumb.

    ReplyDelete
  11. the mrsMay 3, 2011 at 4:18 PM

    True love indeed. The Mr is a pillow menace-er too.

    What the fuck is that? Just go to sleep. Rude.

    ReplyDelete
  12. AnonymousMay 3, 2011 at 4:26 PM

    This could have been a scene from my play! The husband wakes me up every time he comes to bed and I always respond with nails out.

    Also, he's taking to head butting me in his sleep. I've got the worse! I WANT THE BETTER! Particularly better sleep - oh, and uninterrupted sleep would be grand ;)

    ReplyDelete
  13. SuniverseMay 3, 2011 at 7:27 PM

    I think I particularly love the fact that while all our worses have differing reasons, not one person has said, "Oh, I love sleeping with my spouse."

    ReplyDelete
  14. jillsmoMay 3, 2011 at 9:17 PM

    I would like to say from experience that it IS nice being married to your nemesis and always having somebody to blame :)

    ReplyDelete
  15. SimoneMay 3, 2011 at 10:02 PM

    and this is why my fellow sleeps upstairs during the week... :)

    ReplyDelete
  16. AlexandraMay 4, 2011 at 12:22 AM

    Oh, gosh. my husband HATES when I do that.

    HATES.

    ReplyDelete
  17. alonewithcatsMay 4, 2011 at 12:40 AM

    Man, I want so badly to be worse and poor and sick with some- ... Oh, hello cats.

    ReplyDelete
  18. alonewithcatsMay 4, 2011 at 12:43 AM

    Just showed this post to a single friend, who said, "Aww, cute. I want to be a cranky wife one day."

    ReplyDelete
  19. PoppyMay 4, 2011 at 1:00 AM

    I'm with MrsJenB, pillows can be used for smothering.

    ReplyDelete
  20. rental mobil jakartaMay 4, 2011 at 5:59 AM

    Nice article, thanks for the information.

    ReplyDelete
  21. JohnMay 4, 2011 at 7:42 AM

    The "fixing my pillows in a menacing fashion" absolutely gave me a fit of the giggles.

    Since you're the first to sleep, does that mean you're also up first in the morning? An accidental "oh, I forgot what side of the bed I was sleeping on" as you climb over him to get out of bed seems beyond just .

    ReplyDelete
  22. La-JuiceMay 4, 2011 at 5:10 PM

    Flash wakes my ass up every night too, difference is he feels guilty about it, and so I can't even act indignant or cross because it just hurts his feelings more, then he pretends he prefers to sleep on the cat pee stained couch rather than the Ultra Supreme super floaty sobaka cloud pillow-like tempurpedic bed we bought with our children's education savings fund. Tells me its "camping out", makes me sleep deprived grumpy and guilty.

    faulking evil genius.

    ReplyDelete
  23. JulieMay 4, 2011 at 9:20 PM

    My favorite part: When The Husband calmly marks his place in his book...before calling himself your nemesis.

    Do you want to join me in officially rewriting the vows?

    (We could probably even fit something in there about not sleeping with your wife's adopted daughter, on behalf of Andre Previn, of course. Yay!)

    ReplyDelete

Every time you comment, I get a lady boner.

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