Thursday, May 26, 2011

When you need a good excuse this summer, just tell them The Suniverse said so.

My top ten Summer Don'ts [because of COURSE I have more than ten.  Remember how I hate the heat? Yeah. That.]

Where to start? How about, in honor of David Letterman, whose show I haven't actually watched since he moved to CBS [it's on late and I'm old and tired.], I'll do this in reverse order:

10.  Don't pretend that you enjoy being outside when you hate it.  Especially if you are the kind of person bugs think of as a moveable feast.  At that point, for your own sanity and to ensure that your system has enough blood to actually circulate, it's better to just stay inside, where the ice and booze are.  And where the bugs aren't.

I really, really hate bugs. Source.
9.   Don't skimp on the sunscreen.  Sure, a nice tan is great and will make a great contrast for that white tank top you've been dying to wear, but that tank top isn't going to look so fantastic against the lobster-red patches you've got on your arms and chest where you thought you'd put sunblock but missed because you were so interested in finding out where your friend got that great beach bag [usually at Target] or trying to see if that guy is wearing a sweater or just needs a good waxing [you know the answer].

8.  Don't shoot at the ice cream truck.  We all want to, but believe me, the legal hassle is NOT worth it.  No.  Not even if it's just a paintball gun.  Not that I speak from experience or anything.  Instead, splurge on one of those tire puncturing strips the cops are always tossing on the freeway.  It'll be like watching the news on your street!

7.  Don't be stingy - buy lemonade from the kid who looks like he never washes his hands.  Your flask full of vodka should kill off any residual germs.

Summer's Little Helper. Source.
6.  Don't do something "creative" with your steaks when you grill.  They're steaks.  They're plenty fine how they are.  Sure, you might think a nice cinnamon-basil rub would be divine, but I'm guessing your guests will be less than thrilled.

5.  Don't invite people over you can barely tolerate.  It's too hot to put up with that kind of crap. 

4.  Don't get bent out of shape about buying and wearing a bathing suit.  Seriously.  Nobody likes to hang around with that person who is constantly worrying about whether or not she looks fat.  If you do, you do.  Are you going to avoid having fun because you're not at your optimum weight?  Then just stay home.  Trust me, no one cares what you look like - they're all too worried wondering what people think of them.

3.  Don't shoot fireworks on any night except July 4th [or whatever day Canada Day is].  Seriously.  Nobody gives a shit that you went down to West Virginia and bought a bunch of dynamite from a coal mine.  If blowing shit up makes you feel like a patriot, I suggest you rethink your career choice.  Also, you can only shoot fireworks until 11:00pm.  That is long enough.  No exceptions.
Oooh.  Aaaah.  LOUD. Seriously.  Not 11:01.  Source.
2.  Don't underestimate the power of a freezepop as a bribe.  This works on anyone, regardless of age.  Trust me.

1.  Don't feel bad if you want to spend hot, sunny days indoors, curtains closed, the AC cranking, under a light blanket, reading a good book. 

Mama’s Losin’ It


  1. Great list.
    Did you hear me losing my shit over the fireworks last weekend? THREE FUCKING DAYS of god damn hillbilly fireworks, literally in my backyard (the lot behind us is still empty, so that is an invitation for the rest of the neighborhood to use it for their public toilet)
    Ahh - see? I still haven't recovered.

  2. Freezepops rule! Actually, mosquitoes rule my yard so I must stay inside, slathered with sunscreeen, until I make a mad dash to hide in the pool, hopefully with people I actually like.

    And sorry, I gotta be creative with my meat. It just looks so plain and kind of ugly is not nearly as tasty until you dress it up.


  3. Lady E, it was the same thing around here--3 days of fireworks. I'm guessing that's because most of the dumbasses think that the long weekend is simply called "May 2-4" because it's all about a case of beer, rather than Queen Victoria. Queen anyone cares.

    I HATE the heat. With prickles, and oozing letters and biohazard signs. That's how much I hate the heat...oh wait...unless I'm slightly drunk. Then it's fine.

  4. Why can't I sign in and post with my Google account?! Ugh! Let's blame summer!!

    My whole post can also be summarized by "Just stay inside!!" And fireworks... I'm surrounded by rednecks who don't sleep. Don't get me started on fireworks...

  5. OOOOOOOOOOOOMG. Fucking fireworks until the end of July people need to wrap their hand around a cherry bomb and light it.

    Don't get me wrong, I love fireworks, I used to work in a firework stand on our local reservation, I also love shit that goes boom. But what I can't stand is some drunk asshole that bought a hundred hand grenades, shooting shit off every time he drinks more than a half gallon of vodka which seems to be once a week all year!!!

    But I'm not bitter.

  6. I, for one, AM WITH YOU, sister, on this "Live Authentically" movement.

    I'm becoming Sally O'Malley, "cuz I"m 50 yrs old, I'm 50 yrs old."

  7. A freeze pop works on me! And under a light blanket reading a good book is where I'll be fore sure!

  8. love this. my old neighborhood in louisiana featured people who celebrated EVERY. SINGLE. HOLIDAY. OR. OCCASION. with fireworks. when they were shot off on christmas night, i called the sheriff in a panic. he basically told me i was an idiot for being freaked the hell out. sigh.

  9. The last one (or the first one) just described my idea of a perfect summer activity. And are we disabling the ice cream truck so we can rob it or just stop the music?

  10. what about lighting firecrackers in your living room?

  11. OH Lord, to be able to sit in an air conditioned home, under a blanket, reading a book again. I've got at least 9.5yrs left before I can do that and sleep in once again. ***daydreaming****

  12. For some reason, they sell fireworks year round in the small, rural town where I live. It makes me freakin' crazy when my kids are trying to sleep and some tool in the neighborhood gets the urge to ignite something at 2 am. Scares the shit out of me and makes my dog go apeshit! It pisses me off.

  13. #5 Don't invite people over you can barely tolerate. - ABSOFREAKINLOUTELY!!! This goes year round. Unfortuneately, my inlaws still visit.

    Love this!

  14. I kind of hate the outdoors. Because that's where the bugs are. And the sun is. I miss winter.

  15. I LOVE being inside with the air conditioning

    It's not like I hate "outside" but around my southern California neighborhood everyone is obsessed with it.

    You can't get a coffee or a cocktail or a meal without someone saying, "Is there outdoor seating?" Sometimes I just want to sit near a flat screen TV, a greasy counter-top, and a barkeep pouring dirty martinis.

    You know?


    So I love your list. Obviously.

  16. I love how this is the post I see when I find your blog again after I lost it somewhere in cyberspace... #5 is the best, and it works for all seasons. <3


Every time you comment, I get a lady boner.