When you need a good excuse this summer, just tell them The Suniverse said so.

My top ten Summer Don'ts [because of COURSE I have more than ten.  Remember how I hate the heat? Yeah. That.]

Where to start? How about, in honor of David Letterman, whose show I haven't actually watched since he moved to CBS [it's on late and I'm old and tired.], I'll do this in reverse order:

10.  Don't pretend that you enjoy being outside when you hate it.  Especially if you are the kind of person bugs think of as a moveable feast.  At that point, for your own sanity and to ensure that your system has enough blood to actually circulate, it's better to just stay inside, where the ice and booze are.  And where the bugs aren't.

I really, really hate bugs. Source.

9.   Don't skimp on the sunscreen.  Sure, a nice tan is great and will make a great contrast for that white tank top you've been dying to wear, but that tank top isn't going to look so fantastic against the lobster-red patches you've got on your arms and chest where you thought you'd put sunblock but missed because you were so interested in finding out where your friend got that great beach bag [usually at Target] or trying to see if that guy is wearing a sweater or just needs a good waxing [you know the answer].

8.  Don't shoot at the ice cream truck.  We all want to, but believe me, the legal hassle is NOT worth it.  No.  Not even if it's just a paintball gun.  Not that I speak from experience or anything.  Instead, splurge on one of those tire puncturing strips the cops are always tossing on the freeway.  It'll be like watching the news on your street!

7.  Don't be stingy - buy lemonade from the kid who looks like he never washes his hands.  Your flask full of vodka should kill off any residual germs.

Summer's Little Helper. Source.

6.  Don't do something "creative" with your steaks when you grill.  They're steaks.  They're plenty fine how they are.  Sure, you might think a nice cinnamon-basil rub would be divine, but I'm guessing your guests will be less than thrilled.

5.  Don't invite people over you can barely tolerate.  It's too hot to put up with that kind of crap. 

4.  Don't get bent out of shape about buying and wearing a bathing suit.  Seriously.  Nobody likes to hang around with that person who is constantly worrying about whether or not she looks fat.  If you do, you do.  Are you going to avoid having fun because you're not at your optimum weight?  Then just stay home.  Trust me, no one cares what you look like - they're all too worried wondering what people think of them.

3.  Don't shoot fireworks on any night except July 4th [or whatever day Canada Day is].  Seriously.  Nobody gives a shit that you went down to West Virginia and bought a bunch of dynamite from a coal mine.  If blowing shit up makes you feel like a patriot, I suggest you rethink your career choice.  Also, you can only shoot fireworks until 11:00pm.  That is long enough.  No exceptions.

Oooh.  Aaaah.  LOUD. Seriously.  Not 11:01.  Source.

2.  Don't underestimate the power of a freezepop as a bribe.  This works on anyone, regardless of age.  Trust me.

1.  Don't feel bad if you want to spend hot, sunny days indoors, curtains closed, the AC cranking, under a light blanket, reading a good book.