Well, I'm back at work. I am thrilled to be gainfully employed and sad that my summer vacation ended so abruptly. And mad that I didn't have the funds to enjoy my hiatus. And happy that I'll be productive. And a little thirsty because it's still so fucking hot.
Speaking of gainful employment - I'm back to the hellish commute, so do you have any audio book recommendations? I like mysteries, but nothing too scary or aggravating, since I'm already going to be throw down-ready while driving. I also like FUNNY books, but make sure they are funny haha not funny I'm going to kill someone if this slow-witted idiot doesn't end it soon. Yes, Confederacy of Dunces, I'm talking to you. I've already listened to Bossypants 3 1/2 times in a row, and I just got the hardcover, so I'm feeling like I should branch out.
************
Anytime anyone has asked me if I've seen Secretariat [and this has happened a surprising number of times - evidently I'm someone who comes across as horesy. I said HORSEY, not WHOREY. Gah, people, come on. I gave that up a long time ago. Just ask the husband. Which you can, on Thursdays.], I always say yes. Except I just realized I haven't. I actually saw Seabiscuit. I would argue that they are the same movie.
************
Guys need to wear shirts while working out. And riding bikes. And walking down the street. I don't care how awesome you think your bod is, no one wants to see that in the daylight. [Mostly because it is never as awesome as you think it is.] While I am all about body acceptance, I am more about equality, and until I can walk around in the heat, shirtless, and not have it be a big fucking deal, no one gets to.
************
We have been very lucky for pretty much the entire time we've lived in this house in that we've had good neighbors. Not best buds, or anything, but good neighbors we can chat with and get together with and who aren't assholes. Until last January, when the neighbors across the street moved and couldn't sell their house and so they are now renting it to the most fucking white trash pieces of shit in the history of shitty neighbors.
There must be between 4 and 8 people living in that house at any given time, and there are shitty cars parked on the street and the guy has some sort of business where he rents trucks - the latest from Penske, so Penske, if you're reading this, you need to clean house on the people you rent your trucks to - and he parks them in front of his house until the business at the end of the street closes at which point he illegally parks in their lot.
I hate him and all his trashy family with the heat of a thousand suns, and so does my neighbor, so we spend a lot of time texting each other when we see them do something stupid so that we can call the city.
Have you ever had a shitty neighbor? Do pitchforks and torches work?
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Don't forget - it's the Raw Photos contest this week. Andygirl and I can't wait to see what you've got. Submit your best PEOPLE pictures so that we can judge you. In a loving way.
Showing posts with label HOT. Show all posts
Showing posts with label HOT. Show all posts
Monday, July 25, 2011
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
People: Alternately awesome and what the hell?
O.k., first, I have to say thank you all for the hilarious comments I get on my blog. Honest to god, they make me happy to read and I still laugh when I think of them. [PS if you include your email address, I can email you back! Like a friend!]
The one that is still killing me right now is this comment I got on my post about the simple things, which for me evidently includes finding a pubic hair in a library cookbook [a book of ice cream recipes, which makes it somehow so much worse]:
Anyway, enough about how awesome you all are - I mean, this is MY blog, so I should just constantly be talking about how awesome I AM. Because truly, where else are you going to find someone as spectacular as I am? Nowhere, because people like me? As rare as diamonds [which I know are artificially scarce, but come on, cut me a break, here]. I am wondrous and my fabulousness is known throughout the microphone - I get stupid, I mean outrageous, stay away from me if you're contagious, cause I'm a winner, no not a loser . . .
O.k., I'll stop channeling Rob Base. [Go ahead, click on this YouTube link and I defy you to not chair dance.]
Anyway, I think I'm a pretty nice person - I mean, I give to charity, and I'm polite and I'll only talk about you behind your back when I'm sure you won't hear what I'm saying. I'm nice and people should want to get to know me.
It seems not everyone has gotten that message.
I was at the pool the other day [because it is 8,000 degrees and I also haven't had my fill of other people's urine polluting my space] and I thought I recognized this woman, but I wasn't sure from where. I thought we had caught glances a few times, you know? A few of those Do I know you? glances.
So I went up to her and said, "Hi, you look very familiar to me. I think I recognize you from somewhere."
And this bitch said, "Well I have no idea who you are."
Wow. O.k., evidently we are not destined to be friends, and I wasn't going to ask for a kidney, but what the fuck? How is that an o.k. way to react to someone? DOES SHE NOT KNOW WHO I AM?
She is so not allowed to read my blog.
The one that is still killing me right now is this comment I got on my post about the simple things, which for me evidently includes finding a pubic hair in a library cookbook [a book of ice cream recipes, which makes it somehow so much worse]:
Gary Oxford said...
-
That's what you get for checking out Clarence Thomas' "The Federalist Recipes".
Anyway, enough about how awesome you all are - I mean, this is MY blog, so I should just constantly be talking about how awesome I AM. Because truly, where else are you going to find someone as spectacular as I am? Nowhere, because people like me? As rare as diamonds [which I know are artificially scarce, but come on, cut me a break, here]. I am wondrous and my fabulousness is known throughout the microphone - I get stupid, I mean outrageous, stay away from me if you're contagious, cause I'm a winner, no not a loser . . .
O.k., I'll stop channeling Rob Base. [Go ahead, click on this YouTube link and I defy you to not chair dance.]
Anyway, I think I'm a pretty nice person - I mean, I give to charity, and I'm polite and I'll only talk about you behind your back when I'm sure you won't hear what I'm saying. I'm nice and people should want to get to know me.
It seems not everyone has gotten that message.
I was at the pool the other day [because it is 8,000 degrees and I also haven't had my fill of other people's urine polluting my space] and I thought I recognized this woman, but I wasn't sure from where. I thought we had caught glances a few times, you know? A few of those Do I know you? glances.
So I went up to her and said, "Hi, you look very familiar to me. I think I recognize you from somewhere."
And this bitch said, "Well I have no idea who you are."
Wow. O.k., evidently we are not destined to be friends, and I wasn't going to ask for a kidney, but what the fuck? How is that an o.k. way to react to someone? DOES SHE NOT KNOW WHO I AM?
She is so not allowed to read my blog.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
It's the simple things in life that can make you mental.
It's the simple things, sometimes, that make you scream or laugh or shake your head in awe and then keep screaming until they come and give you a nice, soothing shot. One small part of your day, one small effort that changes the trajectory of how things go. It's amazing how a little effort, a little event, can sometimes lead to major ramifications. To wit:
*** Finding a pubic hair in the cookbook you checked out in the library. Why is it there? Who is reading a library's copy of a cookbook in a situation where pubic hair would find its way on the page? Is there enough hand sanitizer in the world to use after realizing I had touched a book that a pervy possibly disease laden person had touched? These are the questions that make me cry, like in a fever dream. And it simply reinforces my disinterest in using the library. Come on, people. Stop being so fucking disgusting.
*** Feeling good about yourself for getting up and going to the harder water aerobics class even though it's 1,000 degrees outside and you're tired. Sometimes it just feels good to make that little extra effort to take care of yourself. It puts a bit of pep in your step and makes you feel like a champion. You can work harder, you can make better food choices. All from the one simple step of choosing to make your health a priority. You're can do anything. Except remember to put on deoderant, so that you spend the rest of the day wondering what the hell that smell is before finally realizing, at 7:00pm, that that smell? Is you.
*** Introducing a friend to the wonder that is It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. A simple thing like having your treasure made known to the world gives you such a good feeling inside, like you are sharing a secret gift that only the truly blessed can receive. I am stunned when people don't know about this show - and I say this will all the indignant fervor of someone who started watching it about 2 or 3 months ago, even though it actually started in 2005. Still, it's such a great feeling of sharing, like when you had circle time in kindergarten and everyone's attention had to be ON YOU while you held up your treasure and explained, in numbing detail, how you found that shell at the beach after you were digging a moat around the sandcastle you and your cousins made and how your cousin wanted it, but you knew that it was meant to be yours and how you brought it home and put it on your windowsill to remind you of the beach, and then how you had to move it because your stupid brother kept taking it and putting it in his mouth.
What the hell was I talking about? It's been a long day.
Seriously, sometimes the best simple thing I can do is just go to bed.
*** Finding a pubic hair in the cookbook you checked out in the library. Why is it there? Who is reading a library's copy of a cookbook in a situation where pubic hair would find its way on the page? Is there enough hand sanitizer in the world to use after realizing I had touched a book that a pervy possibly disease laden person had touched? These are the questions that make me cry, like in a fever dream. And it simply reinforces my disinterest in using the library. Come on, people. Stop being so fucking disgusting.
*** Feeling good about yourself for getting up and going to the harder water aerobics class even though it's 1,000 degrees outside and you're tired. Sometimes it just feels good to make that little extra effort to take care of yourself. It puts a bit of pep in your step and makes you feel like a champion. You can work harder, you can make better food choices. All from the one simple step of choosing to make your health a priority. You're can do anything. Except remember to put on deoderant, so that you spend the rest of the day wondering what the hell that smell is before finally realizing, at 7:00pm, that that smell? Is you.
*** Introducing a friend to the wonder that is It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. A simple thing like having your treasure made known to the world gives you such a good feeling inside, like you are sharing a secret gift that only the truly blessed can receive. I am stunned when people don't know about this show - and I say this will all the indignant fervor of someone who started watching it about 2 or 3 months ago, even though it actually started in 2005. Still, it's such a great feeling of sharing, like when you had circle time in kindergarten and everyone's attention had to be ON YOU while you held up your treasure and explained, in numbing detail, how you found that shell at the beach after you were digging a moat around the sandcastle you and your cousins made and how your cousin wanted it, but you knew that it was meant to be yours and how you brought it home and put it on your windowsill to remind you of the beach, and then how you had to move it because your stupid brother kept taking it and putting it in his mouth.
What the hell was I talking about? It's been a long day.
Seriously, sometimes the best simple thing I can do is just go to bed.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
What to make when you love cheese but don't have an oven. No. Not Cheetos.
A couple of years ago, in summer, our oven stopped working. This pissed me off, because I like to have working appliances, particularly those appliances that cost big bags of money to replace. Because it was summer and we grill pretty much all the time and the stovetop actually still worked and we had a toaster oven, we put off buying a new oven.
You'd be amazed at how much you need an oven when you don't have an oven. Even in the summer.
One of the reasons I needed an oven was because the girl and the husband are fiends for home made mac & cheese. They love it. I confess, I was not a fan of mac & cheese growing up - we very seldom had it, and I never grew to enjoy the taste. I know, what a heathen.
That being said, I started making mac & cheese for the girl and the husband and then I'd try it and it grew on me. I like the tang of the cheese and the heft of the noodles. It makes your mouth happy.
The girl and the husband [and I] were very sad without mac & cheese, so I searched in my cookbooks [Joy of Cooking, Martha Stewart's Cooking School and Ina Garten's Barefoot Contessa the holy trinity of cooking - or maybe just the 3 actual cookbooks I own] and online for a good stovetop recipe and found one by Alton Brown. Who I enjoy, because he is hilarious.
And I now want to share this with you. Because what a perfect time to share this recipe, when the temperature here and across most of the country is like the surface of the sun! You can't pick a better time for warm, cheesy pasta! It's a super easy recipe. I've added my own twists [MORE CHEESE] and used different kinds of milk and it ALWAYS comes out most excellent.
Without further ado:
Ingredients
1 lb pasta - I usually use shells or elbow noodles, but fusilli and those little wagon wheels also work well
2 TBSP butter
A buttload of cheese - usually about 12-16 oz. I use a variety of whatever I have on hand, but at base it's mostly a sharp cheddar rounded out with a few ounces of other complementary cheeses. This time, I used cheddar, colby jack, a bit of blue cheese, some fresh mozzarella that needed to be used up and some asiago.
4 eggs
12 oz evaporated milk, OR 12 oz of heavy cream OR half & half OR 2% milk. Whatever you've got in the fridge or pantry.
Mustard powder or mustard, about 1TBSP
Kosher salt
Pepper
Unseasoned breadcrumbs [optional]
Directions
1. Boil your noodles according to package directions. Be sure to use a large pot, because the whole recipe is cooked in here. I leave the noodles slightly underdone by a minute or so, since they'll continue cooking while the other ingredients are added. Sometimes, I overboil the noodles and then I cry as I eat the mac & cheese, my tears mixing with the cheesy goodness and adding a slightly salty tang that I find kind of delicious. I'd probably find it more delicious if I were eating the tears of my enemies, but we can't have everything, can we?
2. While the noodles are boiling, whisk together the 4 eggs, your milk product and the mustard.
3. You'll also have to shred your cheese, unless you have minions to do this for you. I find this kind of relaxing and therapeutic. It's also an easy way to taste test the cheese before you add it to the recipe. For science.
3.a. Speaking of science, here's the kind of rocket scientist you're dealing with here: I have been using a lot of lemons in my cooking recently, and a number of recipes ask for lemon zest, and every. fucking. time. I get pissed at myself for not having a Microplane or any kind of zester. What kind of kitchen am I running here? A shitty one. Anyway, the last time I made mac & cheese, I was minding my own business, shredding cheese on my box grater, thinking happy thoughts, when I realized that this?
has another side that has this:
5. Add the milk & egg mixture and stir until it heats through, about a minute or two. If you happen to curdle the eggs, it's not a big deal. It still all comes out delicious and people like scrambled eggs. Actually, they don't even notice because they are in a mac & cheese coma.
6. Turn off the heat. Add the cheese in batches, stirring to melt. If necessary, turn the heat back on to the lowest setting, but there should be enough heat to melt that gooey, delicious cheese.
7. Season with salt and pepper. Take your time and add small amounts, partly because you don't want to over -salt or -pepper your food, but mostly because then that way you can keep tasting it to make sure it's good. [It's good.]
OPTIONAL STEP 8. If you want, you can dry saute some unseasoned breadcrumbs to toss over the finished product, but you have to watch this carefully because that shit will burn like paper and then stink up your kitchen.
9. EAT!! This makes a ton of mac & cheese, but I usually end up making the whole recipe because then we have the leftovers for lunch for a day or two [depending on how many people ask for some]. I have actually called the husband at work and yelled at him for taking the whole container of leftovers and leaving none for me and the girl, it's that good the next day.
So, if it's 95 degrees with 100% humidity and you feel like cooking something nice and hearty, here's your recipe. ENJOY!
You'd be amazed at how much you need an oven when you don't have an oven. Even in the summer.
One of the reasons I needed an oven was because the girl and the husband are fiends for home made mac & cheese. They love it. I confess, I was not a fan of mac & cheese growing up - we very seldom had it, and I never grew to enjoy the taste. I know, what a heathen.
That being said, I started making mac & cheese for the girl and the husband and then I'd try it and it grew on me. I like the tang of the cheese and the heft of the noodles. It makes your mouth happy.
The girl and the husband [and I] were very sad without mac & cheese, so I searched in my cookbooks [Joy of Cooking, Martha Stewart's Cooking School and Ina Garten's Barefoot Contessa the holy trinity of cooking - or maybe just the 3 actual cookbooks I own] and online for a good stovetop recipe and found one by Alton Brown. Who I enjoy, because he is hilarious.
And I now want to share this with you. Because what a perfect time to share this recipe, when the temperature here and across most of the country is like the surface of the sun! You can't pick a better time for warm, cheesy pasta! It's a super easy recipe. I've added my own twists [MORE CHEESE] and used different kinds of milk and it ALWAYS comes out most excellent.
Without further ado:
Ridiculously Delicious and Easy Stovetop Mac & Cheese [Please stop buying Kraft]
Ingredients
1 lb pasta - I usually use shells or elbow noodles, but fusilli and those little wagon wheels also work well
2 TBSP butter
A buttload of cheese - usually about 12-16 oz. I use a variety of whatever I have on hand, but at base it's mostly a sharp cheddar rounded out with a few ounces of other complementary cheeses. This time, I used cheddar, colby jack, a bit of blue cheese, some fresh mozzarella that needed to be used up and some asiago.
4 eggs
12 oz evaporated milk, OR 12 oz of heavy cream OR half & half OR 2% milk. Whatever you've got in the fridge or pantry.
Mustard powder or mustard, about 1TBSP
Kosher salt
Pepper
Unseasoned breadcrumbs [optional]
Directions
1. Boil your noodles according to package directions. Be sure to use a large pot, because the whole recipe is cooked in here. I leave the noodles slightly underdone by a minute or so, since they'll continue cooking while the other ingredients are added. Sometimes, I overboil the noodles and then I cry as I eat the mac & cheese, my tears mixing with the cheesy goodness and adding a slightly salty tang that I find kind of delicious. I'd probably find it more delicious if I were eating the tears of my enemies, but we can't have everything, can we?
 | ||
| Still a bit undercooked, but yum! Macaroni! Thanks, China! And Marco Polo! |
 |
| I know it looks like boogers, but it tastes like heaven. Heavenly boogers. |
 |
| Yum. |
 |
| CHEESE! [Yes, that is a bottle of Evian in the background. I am an effete elitist.] |
 |
| You know what this is? YES. A TINY GRATER. |
And that both can be used to remove the rind from a lemon. TA DA!
4. Drain your noodles. [Wow. That sounds pervy.] Don't rinse, just put them back into the pot and add the butter and stir over the lowest heat.
 |
| I am actually not a fan of buttered noodles. Too buttery. |
6. Turn off the heat. Add the cheese in batches, stirring to melt. If necessary, turn the heat back on to the lowest setting, but there should be enough heat to melt that gooey, delicious cheese.
7. Season with salt and pepper. Take your time and add small amounts, partly because you don't want to over -salt or -pepper your food, but mostly because then that way you can keep tasting it to make sure it's good. [It's good.]
 |
| I know, right? |
9. EAT!! This makes a ton of mac & cheese, but I usually end up making the whole recipe because then we have the leftovers for lunch for a day or two [depending on how many people ask for some]. I have actually called the husband at work and yelled at him for taking the whole container of leftovers and leaving none for me and the girl, it's that good the next day.
So, if it's 95 degrees with 100% humidity and you feel like cooking something nice and hearty, here's your recipe. ENJOY!
Thursday, July 7, 2011
People Who are Assholes - Public Pool Edition
I love swimming.
Or, more honestly, I used to love swimming and now I love floating around in the water, chatting with my friends and family and playing frisbee or catch or Marco Polo or taking part in our patented Cheating Races [which are awesome and I highly recommend - details at the end of the post]. What I don't love? The assholes at the pool.
The kids who decided to aim the geyser of water at the adults sitting around the edge of the pool? Assholes. It's o.k. to call kids that, right? I may or may not have said, "You little fuckers" kind of under my breath [really out loud] as I walked past JUST EXACTLY WHEN they decided to aim Old Faithful and got soaked on one side when I wasn't planning on swimming because I'm still not feeling that great and just wanted to take a bunch of kids out swimming and keep them out of my hair. Jerks.
The guy who is talking on his cell phone like he's part of NASA and is trying desperately to safely bring in the final shuttle landing instead of being a middle manager at CompuGlobalMegaMart trying to track down a missing shipment of copier toner. Not that big a deal, dude.
The woman who thinks a public pool is the place to wear her slightly too small bikini. This is not that crowd. Not during daylight hours, anyway.
The teenagers. Because they are teenagers.
The person who screams the entire way down the water slide. THE ENTIRE WAY DOWN. It's not that scary, and that really, really echoes and cuts in on my ability to eavesdrop on the group to my left who are talking about whether or not tiny bikini had her boobs done [probably yes].
Ah, summertime. I need my own pool. And possibly some happy pills.
Who pisses you off at the pool?
**************
Cheating Races - these are a lot of fun, especially for mixed age groups. You basically decide on a race, like whoever walks backward to the other side of the pool and back first is the winner and ALL CHEATING IS ALLOWED, which means kids can leap on adults, adults can pick up and move children, anything goes. It's hilarious.
Or, more honestly, I used to love swimming and now I love floating around in the water, chatting with my friends and family and playing frisbee or catch or Marco Polo or taking part in our patented Cheating Races [which are awesome and I highly recommend - details at the end of the post]. What I don't love? The assholes at the pool.
The kids who decided to aim the geyser of water at the adults sitting around the edge of the pool? Assholes. It's o.k. to call kids that, right? I may or may not have said, "You little fuckers" kind of under my breath [really out loud] as I walked past JUST EXACTLY WHEN they decided to aim Old Faithful and got soaked on one side when I wasn't planning on swimming because I'm still not feeling that great and just wanted to take a bunch of kids out swimming and keep them out of my hair. Jerks.
The guy who is talking on his cell phone like he's part of NASA and is trying desperately to safely bring in the final shuttle landing instead of being a middle manager at CompuGlobalMegaMart trying to track down a missing shipment of copier toner. Not that big a deal, dude.
The woman who thinks a public pool is the place to wear her slightly too small bikini. This is not that crowd. Not during daylight hours, anyway.
The teenagers. Because they are teenagers.
The person who screams the entire way down the water slide. THE ENTIRE WAY DOWN. It's not that scary, and that really, really echoes and cuts in on my ability to eavesdrop on the group to my left who are talking about whether or not tiny bikini had her boobs done [probably yes].
Ah, summertime. I need my own pool. And possibly some happy pills.
Who pisses you off at the pool?
**************
Cheating Races - these are a lot of fun, especially for mixed age groups. You basically decide on a race, like whoever walks backward to the other side of the pool and back first is the winner and ALL CHEATING IS ALLOWED, which means kids can leap on adults, adults can pick up and move children, anything goes. It's hilarious.
Monday, June 13, 2011
People Who Are Assholes - Shopping Edition
The other day, I picked the girl up from school, because I coddle her and didn't want her to walk home 2 blocks from the bus stop in 95 degree heat. I am a coddler. I just am.
Anyway, she asked if we could swing by Target, and since I am ALWAYS up for going to Target [except for using their fucking pharmacy], we did.
And I swear to god, every fucking asshole in the universe was there, too. Here's just a sampling:
The asshole who decided to back his rape van into the parking space right next to me. Dude. Seriously. You are already an asshole for owning a van that immediately makes me start blowing on my rape whistle while rooting around for mace, do you have to add to your asshole-ish-ness by holding up all kinds of pedestrian and motor vehicle traffic so that you could back that piece of shit up into a parking spot? Are you going to be in that much of a rush to leave? Why? Because all I'm imagining is you heading into Target and then being driven from the store due to fondling yourself in the juniors department.
The asshole who decided to stop her cart RIGHT IN THE TRAFFIC FLOW of everyone else who was getting a cart to root around in her purse for . . . I don't even know what. What could be that important to find in your voluminous bag that you can't get past the $1 bins? Do you have a shopping list dedicated to $1 items? Because there is an ENTIRE STORE that would better suit your shopping needs. GO THERE.
The asshole who decided to write a check to pay her bill. Who does that? Why are you not using a debit card? Do you have that many extra checks in your checkbook and need to use them before they expire? Or do you want to order new ones with Precious Moments figurines on the background? And why, if you ARE going to use a check, didn't you fill everything out but the amount? People have shit to do, lady.
And finally, the assholes who let their feral kids roam free in Target, like it's a giant daycare center. Get a goddamn leash.
How was your weekend? I missed you.
Anyway, she asked if we could swing by Target, and since I am ALWAYS up for going to Target [except for using their fucking pharmacy], we did.
And I swear to god, every fucking asshole in the universe was there, too. Here's just a sampling:
The asshole who decided to back his rape van into the parking space right next to me. Dude. Seriously. You are already an asshole for owning a van that immediately makes me start blowing on my rape whistle while rooting around for mace, do you have to add to your asshole-ish-ness by holding up all kinds of pedestrian and motor vehicle traffic so that you could back that piece of shit up into a parking spot? Are you going to be in that much of a rush to leave? Why? Because all I'm imagining is you heading into Target and then being driven from the store due to fondling yourself in the juniors department.
The asshole who decided to stop her cart RIGHT IN THE TRAFFIC FLOW of everyone else who was getting a cart to root around in her purse for . . . I don't even know what. What could be that important to find in your voluminous bag that you can't get past the $1 bins? Do you have a shopping list dedicated to $1 items? Because there is an ENTIRE STORE that would better suit your shopping needs. GO THERE.
The asshole who decided to write a check to pay her bill. Who does that? Why are you not using a debit card? Do you have that many extra checks in your checkbook and need to use them before they expire? Or do you want to order new ones with Precious Moments figurines on the background? And why, if you ARE going to use a check, didn't you fill everything out but the amount? People have shit to do, lady.
And finally, the assholes who let their feral kids roam free in Target, like it's a giant daycare center. Get a goddamn leash.
How was your weekend? I missed you.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
The Dad Who Cried Wolf
My dad is something of a hypochondriac. He tends to be sicker than anyone who actually is sick, even if he doesn't technically have that disease. I get it. I mean, I'm pretty good at discovering possible illnesses that I may have and then worrying myself into a frenzy about having them. I really do get it.
The problem is when someone who constantly feigns illness is actually sick, you don't know quite what to do. And then it turns out they ARE sick and need to go to the hospital.
My dad is ill and will need surgery. It's a routine procedure [gall bladder surgery] and he's in a good hospital with a good doctor, etc. Basically, he's being well taken care of and will continue to be taken care of in a manner befitting his illness.
By the medical staff.
Because we? His family?
Are making non-stop jokes.
This is what we do. We come up with puns and gags and reel off one-liners. We talk about hilarious situations that have happened in the past and how we'll deal with what is coming up. We giggle about contingencies and who is going to tell what family member and how.
We smart off about how OF COURSE my dad's got to have surgery now, when it's 1,000 degrees and humid. And how it should go without saying that I'm going to valet park at the hospital - I'm not going to the gym, why should I walk from the parking deck [where it's $3 to park, as opposed to $4 for valet - who's the sucker now?]. And then we laugh at our cheapskate relative who had 2 old ladies get out of his car and lift the gate so he wouldn't have to pay for parking.
We make fun of my germophobia and laugh until we're going to pee our pants. And we talk about the delicious steak we're going to eat or the chili dogs we're planning on having for lunch to a man who is not allowed to eat until he has his surgery.
We laugh. A lot.
So much so that when my mother broke her hip and ankle and had to have metal rods and pins in place, she kicked me and my siblings out of the hospital room for fucking around and laughing too much and having wheel chair races in the room.
So while we aren't the most sedate and calming people to have in a sickroom, I submit that we are the funnest. And we'll take your mind off of your worries.
The problem is when someone who constantly feigns illness is actually sick, you don't know quite what to do. And then it turns out they ARE sick and need to go to the hospital.
My dad is ill and will need surgery. It's a routine procedure [gall bladder surgery] and he's in a good hospital with a good doctor, etc. Basically, he's being well taken care of and will continue to be taken care of in a manner befitting his illness.
By the medical staff.
Because we? His family?
Are making non-stop jokes.
This is what we do. We come up with puns and gags and reel off one-liners. We talk about hilarious situations that have happened in the past and how we'll deal with what is coming up. We giggle about contingencies and who is going to tell what family member and how.
We smart off about how OF COURSE my dad's got to have surgery now, when it's 1,000 degrees and humid. And how it should go without saying that I'm going to valet park at the hospital - I'm not going to the gym, why should I walk from the parking deck [where it's $3 to park, as opposed to $4 for valet - who's the sucker now?]. And then we laugh at our cheapskate relative who had 2 old ladies get out of his car and lift the gate so he wouldn't have to pay for parking.
We make fun of my germophobia and laugh until we're going to pee our pants. And we talk about the delicious steak we're going to eat or the chili dogs we're planning on having for lunch to a man who is not allowed to eat until he has his surgery.
We laugh. A lot.
So much so that when my mother broke her hip and ankle and had to have metal rods and pins in place, she kicked me and my siblings out of the hospital room for fucking around and laughing too much and having wheel chair races in the room.
So while we aren't the most sedate and calming people to have in a sickroom, I submit that we are the funnest. And we'll take your mind off of your worries.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
When you need a good excuse this summer, just tell them The Suniverse said so.
My top ten Summer Don'ts [because of COURSE I have more than ten. Remember how I hate the heat? Yeah. That.]
Where to start? How about, in honor of David Letterman, whose show I haven't actually watched since he moved to CBS [it's on late and I'm old and tired.], I'll do this in reverse order:
10. Don't pretend that you enjoy being outside when you hate it. Especially if you are the kind of person bugs think of as a moveable feast. At that point, for your own sanity and to ensure that your system has enough blood to actually circulate, it's better to just stay inside, where the ice and booze are. And where the bugs aren't.
9. Don't skimp on the sunscreen. Sure, a nice tan is great and will make a great contrast for that white tank top you've been dying to wear, but that tank top isn't going to look so fantastic against the lobster-red patches you've got on your arms and chest where you thought you'd put sunblock but missed because you were so interested in finding out where your friend got that great beach bag [usually at Target] or trying to see if that guy is wearing a sweater or just needs a good waxing [you know the answer].
8. Don't shoot at the ice cream truck. We all want to, but believe me, the legal hassle is NOT worth it. No. Not even if it's just a paintball gun. Not that I speak from experience or anything. Instead, splurge on one of those tire puncturing strips the cops are always tossing on the freeway. It'll be like watching the news on your street!
7. Don't be stingy - buy lemonade from the kid who looks like he never washes his hands. Your flask full of vodka should kill off any residual germs.
6. Don't do something "creative" with your steaks when you grill. They're steaks. They're plenty fine how they are. Sure, you might think a nice cinnamon-basil rub would be divine, but I'm guessing your guests will be less than thrilled.
5. Don't invite people over you can barely tolerate. It's too hot to put up with that kind of crap.
4. Don't get bent out of shape about buying and wearing a bathing suit. Seriously. Nobody likes to hang around with that person who is constantly worrying about whether or not she looks fat. If you do, you do. Are you going to avoid having fun because you're not at your optimum weight? Then just stay home. Trust me, no one cares what you look like - they're all too worried wondering what people think of them.
3. Don't shoot fireworks on any night except July 4th [or whatever day Canada Day is]. Seriously. Nobody gives a shit that you went down to West Virginia and bought a bunch of dynamite from a coal mine. If blowing shit up makes you feel like a patriot, I suggest you rethink your career choice. Also, you can only shoot fireworks until 11:00pm. That is long enough. No exceptions.
2. Don't underestimate the power of a freezepop as a bribe. This works on anyone, regardless of age. Trust me.
1. Don't feel bad if you want to spend hot, sunny days indoors, curtains closed, the AC cranking, under a light blanket, reading a good book.
Where to start? How about, in honor of David Letterman, whose show I haven't actually watched since he moved to CBS [it's on late and I'm old and tired.], I'll do this in reverse order:
10. Don't pretend that you enjoy being outside when you hate it. Especially if you are the kind of person bugs think of as a moveable feast. At that point, for your own sanity and to ensure that your system has enough blood to actually circulate, it's better to just stay inside, where the ice and booze are. And where the bugs aren't.
 |
| I really, really hate bugs. Source. |
8. Don't shoot at the ice cream truck. We all want to, but believe me, the legal hassle is NOT worth it. No. Not even if it's just a paintball gun. Not that I speak from experience or anything. Instead, splurge on one of those tire puncturing strips the cops are always tossing on the freeway. It'll be like watching the news on your street!
7. Don't be stingy - buy lemonade from the kid who looks like he never washes his hands. Your flask full of vodka should kill off any residual germs.
 |
| Summer's Little Helper. Source. |
5. Don't invite people over you can barely tolerate. It's too hot to put up with that kind of crap.
4. Don't get bent out of shape about buying and wearing a bathing suit. Seriously. Nobody likes to hang around with that person who is constantly worrying about whether or not she looks fat. If you do, you do. Are you going to avoid having fun because you're not at your optimum weight? Then just stay home. Trust me, no one cares what you look like - they're all too worried wondering what people think of them.
3. Don't shoot fireworks on any night except July 4th [or whatever day Canada Day is]. Seriously. Nobody gives a shit that you went down to West Virginia and bought a bunch of dynamite from a coal mine. If blowing shit up makes you feel like a patriot, I suggest you rethink your career choice. Also, you can only shoot fireworks until 11:00pm. That is long enough. No exceptions.
 |
| Oooh. Aaaah. LOUD. Seriously. Not 11:01. Source. |
1. Don't feel bad if you want to spend hot, sunny days indoors, curtains closed, the AC cranking, under a light blanket, reading a good book.
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
School, Sweet School
So I'm on call tomorrow in my first class.
It's now 9:45pm.
I'm tired.
I haven't finished the reading.
The class is at 9:05am.
Ugh.
Also, still hot.
It's now 9:45pm.
I'm tired.
I haven't finished the reading.
The class is at 9:05am.
Ugh.
Also, still hot.
Tuesday, September 4, 2007
Pearls of Wisdom. Or something.
It's going to be buggerly hot tomorrow. I do not enjoy the heat at all, but I REALLY hate it when the calendar says September.
September is for sweaters and mini skirts and tights and warm boots.
NOT for wondering how bad the b.o. will be when you sweat through your suit walking from your car to work. That's just fucking wrong.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In other news, I had a nice weekend and I hope you did, too.
I'm looking forward to next weekend (although I'm not NOT looking forward to this weekend) because I'm getting a haircut (Ann Baxter, here I come) and then I'm going to lunch with some friends.
"Just like girlfriends. With hats on!"
(Celeste Holm in All About Eve) (Yes, I'm still stuck on that)
September is for sweaters and mini skirts and tights and warm boots.
NOT for wondering how bad the b.o. will be when you sweat through your suit walking from your car to work. That's just fucking wrong.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In other news, I had a nice weekend and I hope you did, too.
I'm looking forward to next weekend (although I'm not NOT looking forward to this weekend) because I'm getting a haircut (Ann Baxter, here I come) and then I'm going to lunch with some friends.
"Just like girlfriends. With hats on!"
(Celeste Holm in All About Eve) (Yes, I'm still stuck on that)
Wednesday, August 8, 2007
Ratios
It's been wicked hot out. Nasty hot.
So today, The Kid and I will hit the public pool (again).
I have a friend who despises public pools, railing about the chlorine v. urine factor. I try not to think about it, but just hope that chlorine edges out urine by a wide enough margin so that I don't have to worry too much about accidentally enjoying someone else's output.
Enjoy your day!
So today, The Kid and I will hit the public pool (again).
I have a friend who despises public pools, railing about the chlorine v. urine factor. I try not to think about it, but just hope that chlorine edges out urine by a wide enough margin so that I don't have to worry too much about accidentally enjoying someone else's output.
Enjoy your day!
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