The other day, I picked the girl up from school, because I coddle her and didn't want her to walk home 2 blocks from the bus stop in 95 degree heat. I am a coddler. I just am.
Anyway, she asked if we could swing by Target, and since I am ALWAYS up for going to Target [except for using their fucking pharmacy], we did.
And I swear to god, every fucking asshole in the universe was there, too. Here's just a sampling:
The asshole who decided to back his rape van into the parking space right next to me. Dude. Seriously. You are already an asshole for owning a van that immediately makes me start blowing on my rape whistle while rooting around for mace, do you have to add to your asshole-ish-ness by holding up all kinds of pedestrian and motor vehicle traffic so that you could back that piece of shit up into a parking spot? Are you going to be in that much of a rush to leave? Why? Because all I'm imagining is you heading into Target and then being driven from the store due to fondling yourself in the juniors department.
The asshole who decided to stop her cart RIGHT IN THE TRAFFIC FLOW of everyone else who was getting a cart to root around in her purse for . . . I don't even know what. What could be that important to find in your voluminous bag that you can't get past the $1 bins? Do you have a shopping list dedicated to $1 items? Because there is an ENTIRE STORE that would better suit your shopping needs. GO THERE.
The asshole who decided to write a check to pay her bill. Who does that? Why are you not using a debit card? Do you have that many extra checks in your checkbook and need to use them before they expire? Or do you want to order new ones with Precious Moments figurines on the background? And why, if you ARE going to use a check, didn't you fill everything out but the amount? People have shit to do, lady.
And finally, the assholes who let their feral kids roam free in Target, like it's a giant daycare center. Get a goddamn leash.
How was your weekend? I missed you.
Scary. It's like you transcribed my thoughts. Even though I am guilty of the check writing on occasion (emergency account has no ATM/debit card attached for disciplinary reasons) I always fill in all the blanks except the dollar amount ahead of time. I'll never understand the wait until after $400 worth of stuff is beeped and bagged before the search begins for the checkbook, driver's license, etc. Then there's the call for the manager to come over and approve the check.
ReplyDeleteLMAO!
ReplyDeleteAt the moment I'm with you and I hate all people. I'm wearing a freaking sling, trying to steer a shopping cart through the grocery store with one arm and 2 lazy ass people bumped into me and 3 rich bitches were yelling into their cell phones so loud they couldn't hear me say "excuse me" because they were hogging the whole damn isle. Then the bag boy actually had the nerve to ask if I wanted help out to my car. Hello--sling-do you think I want to unload the cart when they are paying you to do it for me?
ReplyDeleteWhew. Feel a little better now. Sorry for the rant but I hate people now.
Cheers.
VB
Yes, Target makes me want to pull out my own eyeballs. My favorite is when I'm pushing a cart chock full of all that crap I "needed" and a screaming toddler toward a check out line with a shortish line, and some 16 year old girl with a dress to buy swooshes in front of me. RIGHT in front of me. Parents of today's teens did an abysmal job of raising kind and thoughtful people.
ReplyDeletelaughed out loud about the rape van, and your rape whistle. I'll be chuckling about that all day.
ReplyDeleteEvery time I go to the grocery store, I look to see who is going to be the THORN IN MY SIDE for that day's session of shopping. There's always one. When someone hogs up the aisle, I always say in my SUPER LOUD, SUPER DUPER CHEEERY VOICE;
EXCUSE ME!!!
Their shock warms my cockles.
One day I was in Target (pick a day, any day, I am there) and this kid had apparently taken a separate route in the store so he could jump out and scare his family. I had the awesome timing of stand RIGHT THERE when he jumped out and the entire family SCREAMED and then laughed and laughed as loud as they could. This was next to electronics where there are already 12 Tv's on different stations, a playstation making noise, a CD making noise...
ReplyDeleteMaybe I need to only go at 1am...
I do not miss 95 degree weather, or the pungent smell of asshole sweat. Yea I went there. You know I speaks the truff.
ReplyDeleteExcept for the fact that I know we live in completely different states I would have sworn we were at the SAME Target!! Also, my Target rarely has anything on their shelves instead it's all just in a pile in the middle of the floor and you have to dig and hope that you find the tampons and ant-diarreaha tabs in time!
ReplyDeleteMomZombie - See? THAT is how to write a check. Not making it some sort of avant garde art project.
ReplyDeleteHeather - Thanks!
VB - Rant on, Sister! Rant on! [Hope your arm feels better soon!]
Very Bloggy Beth - What the hell? How do people end up like that, with that sense of entitlement?
Karensomethingorother - I am a HUGE fan of obnoxious cheeriness. LOVE IT!
Breann - Honestly, people are constantly amazing me with their stupidity. And not in a good way.
Juice - GAH, the odors. Holy hell, the stench.
Tonya - Maybe there's some hole in the Target space/time continuum?
My husband prefers that I not go into densly populated stores like Target, Walmart, Costco, etc because my patience for people of this variety is severely lacking, and I tend to start throwing elbows. I think he's afraid I may get myself arrested.
ReplyDeleteThis weekend it took everything in me to bite my tongue when in Costco I heard a father say to his two children "You read the first page and then you lose interest, so NO I am not buying you any books!". Sweet mother of god.
Ever seen that movie "Idiocracy"? Watch it, it's our future.
This weekend I encountred the asshole with the FULL cart who sent their kid to run in front of me in the line that opened because the asshole checker closed the line i had been waiting in. If she'd have written a check, she would no longer be alive and i'd be in jail!
ReplyDeleteThis makes me feel better:
ReplyDeletehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y626eTivs60
I like to pop a few Valium before I go to Target. It's better that way. Not so much for me but for the assholes.
ReplyDeleteThey should stop issuing checks to people who are going to use them in target or the grocery store. Period. Violators will be removes from the premises in a rape van.
ReplyDeletePractically my exact Target shopping experience late Saturday afternoon too!!
ReplyDeleteAnd then they didn't even have any half & half....
Feral cats are way better than feral kids. Once you get past the rabies.
ReplyDeletei nearly hip-checked a feral child into a shelving unit at a wal-mart once. the man was stunned, and he hates kids. but i was at the end of my rope. what i did was reach out, put my hand on the kid's head as i walked past to hold him still, and said loudly, "excuse me, honey; there are people trying to walk here."
ReplyDeletei regret nothing.
A-mother fucking-Men. People are being such jerks lately. I usually grin and bare the idiocy but I'm not sure how much longer I'll be able to do that.
ReplyDeleteWait a minute, now.
ReplyDeletePrecious Moments figurines are precious.
It says so right in the name.
Wow, this is seriously my list of shopping grievances. The other day, I was buying stuff for lunch: hummus, veggies, and powerade. I botch a little to myself when the person in the express lane obviously had a few items more than the advertised 10, but I figured, since there wasn't a line, there wasn't much of a foul.
ReplyDeleteThen she & tw cashier chit-chatted for a few minutes. As I sat fuming. Then, the broad paid with a ficking check. And no, she hadn't done anything to prepare it..."what store number is this again?"
Grrrrrrrrrr
I don't mind shopping, but I hate having my time wasted.
I can't complain because yes, my husband was the one who while still under the effects of sedation after out-patient knee surgery insisted on stopping at Target "for a few things" and then proceeded to ramp the sit-n-shop up and down the aisles, knocking over shelves and shoppers unmercifully. He even challenged one ancient lady in her motorized wheelchair to a race. I pretended like I didn't know him.
ReplyDelete