I love swimming.
Or, more honestly, I used to love swimming and now I love floating around in the water, chatting with my friends and family and playing frisbee or catch or Marco Polo or taking part in our patented Cheating Races [which are awesome and I highly recommend - details at the end of the post]. What I don't love? The assholes at the pool.
The kids who decided to aim the geyser of water at the adults sitting around the edge of the pool? Assholes. It's o.k. to call kids that, right? I may or may not have said, "You little fuckers" kind of under my breath [really out loud] as I walked past JUST EXACTLY WHEN they decided to aim Old Faithful and got soaked on one side when I wasn't planning on swimming because I'm still not feeling that great and just wanted to take a bunch of kids out swimming and keep them out of my hair. Jerks.
The guy who is talking on his cell phone like he's part of NASA and is trying desperately to safely bring in the final shuttle landing instead of being a middle manager at CompuGlobalMegaMart trying to track down a missing shipment of copier toner. Not that big a deal, dude.
The woman who thinks a public pool is the place to wear her slightly too small bikini. This is not that crowd. Not during daylight hours, anyway.
The teenagers. Because they are teenagers.
The person who screams the entire way down the water slide. THE ENTIRE WAY DOWN. It's not that scary, and that really, really echoes and cuts in on my ability to eavesdrop on the group to my left who are talking about whether or not tiny bikini had her boobs done [probably yes].
Ah, summertime. I need my own pool. And possibly some happy pills.
Who pisses you off at the pool?
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Cheating Races - these are a lot of fun, especially for mixed age groups. You basically decide on a race, like whoever walks backward to the other side of the pool and back first is the winner and ALL CHEATING IS ALLOWED, which means kids can leap on adults, adults can pick up and move children, anything goes. It's hilarious.
Don't forget: Mom who thinks shouting at the top of her lungs, "DON'T RUN! I SAID DON'T RUN! AND STOP SCREAMING! I SAID STOP SCREAMING!" from 30 yards away over the top of her magazine is adequate parental supervision.
ReplyDeleteHow come the supersoaker kids never get HER?
I hate everthing about public swimming pools and that is why I haven't been to one since 1986. I am very old and very cranky and I would probably drown every one of the little fuckers. Seriously, I am not to be trusted.
ReplyDeleteYou are Mother frickin Teresa.
And I love the sound of that game so much.
Sarah xxx
I was a lifeguard for the better part of forever, and my favorite group of assholes were the guys who would jump off the diving board and do things that were just barely within the rules of the pool so I couldn't yell at them, but stupid enough to seriously endanger not only themselves, but everyone around them.
ReplyDeleteLike trying to jump from the diving board onto the pool deck to scare their girlfriend who was standing along the side not watching.
Asshole.
What I find most charming is people who think that having their kids around lots of other people in a pool gives them permission to get drunk and pay no attention - like they have a pool full of babysitters. My favorite was last year when a child who was too small to go down the water slide kept going down anyway and couldn't get out of the way quickly enough, so the lifeguard kept having to pull him out of the way before he got hurt by the next person. Not a parent or guardian anywhere near him. Ugh.
ReplyDeletePlus, people PEE in the swimming pool.
ReplyDeleteYes, I realize that some people probably pee in my pool, too (I'm not that naive), but these are invited guests. While it's not that I enjoy swimming in urine from ANYone (even invited guests), it's just a lot less skeevy than watching that fat guy guy standing in the shallow end with a contented smile on his face.
I ALWAYS look askance at babies in diapers at the public pools, plastic liners notwithstanding. To say nothing of the elderly.
Public Swimming Pools-the aquatic version of taking a Greyhound.
The mothers that holler across the pool at their kids all damn day piss me off.
ReplyDeleteYes, absolutely, kids can be called assholes - one of my favourite bloggers has an entire tag dedicated to 'my kids are assholes', which totally won me over. And there does seem to be something about overheated chlorine fumes that bring out the douchehat in people - except us, of course. I now have to go apply cheater game rules to the rest of everything for the entire summer.
ReplyDeleteSharing it with others.
ReplyDeleteCrap, did I say that aloud?
Whew...
ReplyDeleteyou said WHO pisses you off at the pool, not WHAT pisses you off at the pool.
Everyone. Everyone pisses me off at the pool lately. Even myself.
I hate the guy who does front crawl by using his fists to punch through the water. Seriously asshole - LEARN TO SWIM PROPERLY.
ReplyDeleteThe public pool is where hygiene goes to die a very watery death. There isn't enough chlorine in the world to entice me. But even if there were, the dirty old men who leer at females of all ages like it's their job would keep me away. Ick.
ReplyDeleteI HATE people and ALSO people who are assholes at public pools. Like those people who are "serious swimmers" who won't stop splashing and creating a wave pool with all of their awkward motions? HATE!
ReplyDeletePublic pools are where dreams go to die.
ReplyDeleteI hate just about everyone at the pool.
people who get to go to the pool whilst i'm in a cubicle, slaving away for the man...
ReplyDeleteHATE everything about the public pool.
ReplyDeleteYou can take the lot of mothers that pretend to watch their kids and throw them in the deep end.
We are of the same mind because I hate people, too!
ReplyDeleteI am not so much a public pool person because I am rather germphobic and public pools send me over the freakin' edge. Besides, here in Florida everyone has pools. But those same asshole people are at pool parties and I hate them all. Especially the splashing asshole kids. Do they not see me and my blonde in a bottle hair that will turn green at a drop of chlorine? Assholes.
I like your cheating race. Great idea. I can incorporate that game into different types of games, maybe some involving alcohol. I like it.
Oh, and I forgot to tell you: I left your phone number with the concierge at the hotel with Larry Mullen Jr's name on the envelope. If you get a private number on your caller ID, might be wise to answer it.
ReplyDeleteI'm not a big fan of BUDDY WHO HAS THE WHOLE FRIGGIN POOL to swim in, but still manages to be in my personal space with his idiot kid. Oh, and getting other people's hair on me--if I could pinpoint those people, they'd be the assholes. I kind of hate the public pool; the one I go to with the kids is just deep enough for kids, so I have to scuttle around like a crab, to keep my body underwater for 2 hours until I want to cry.
ReplyDeleteAre you feeling better YET? If you're me, you hold on to that shit for 2 solid weeks at least.
Where to begin? First of all, these commentors? Hilarious! Where hygiene goes to die? Aquatic version of taking the greyhound? That's gold! Second, you forgot the pool pervs who go to waterparks alone and ogle 8-year-olds (I once testified at the trial of one!). Lastly, but most importantly, the Compound of Snark will have a private pool with a strict No Assholes policy. Because I want you to be happy there. Because I HEART U!
ReplyDeleteI haven't been to a public pool in years, but when I was an asshole teenager, I completely remember hoping for the woman with the probable boob job walking about with her too-small bikini. The thing is, I don't remember too many of them.
ReplyDeleteSpeaking of asshole teenagers and pools - you'll get a kick out of this. I used to be a "big" in Big Brothers/Big Sisters (I say used to because I was a big failure and my "little" ended up going to juvie for breaking into cars - but that's a whole other story). Every Friday in the summer, I'd pick him up from school (he had summer school for academic reasons, and would stay at an after school program as his grandmother, who was raising him, had to work) and take him to Hershey Park.
Every week went the same . . . he'd be near impossible to talk to on the trip over. He'd hang out at the water park, usually around a super-kiddie attraction, but he wouldn't cause any trouble and appeared to be enjoying himself. Every now & then, he'd make friends with someone else around his age (14), and I'd sit, keeping an eye on him, and catch up on my reading.
After a little while, I'd gather him up, we'd grab some dinner, and I'd find him a little more willing to talk about school, or girls, or his family. I'd try to get him to ride some roller coasters after eating - but he always wanted to go back to the water park. Usually, I relented until it got dark.
After they closed the water park for the summer, I was listening to Jeopardy, and the answer was "This theme park had to hire an extra life guard to hand out towels to people losing their bathing suit tops." The question? "What is Hershey Park?"
Yeah, my 14 year old little was scoping out a spot to view the women who would go down a waterslide & lose their bikini tops. I never worked up the nerve to call him out on it.
These kind of incidents are why I always bring a baby Ruth with me to the Public Pool.
ReplyDeleteI don't like to swim on account of the part about having to wear a bathing suit and be in the water. But I seem to be missing out on taking my people-hate to a whole new level.
ReplyDeleteI hate the mothers who bring their CLEARLY-NOT POTTY-TRAINED TODDLERS into the pool without a swim diaper.
ReplyDeleteNot that swim diapers will stem the tide of wet shit when push comes to shove (or whatever) but seriously.
No e coli in the public swimming pool, please.
p.s. I could just read the titles of your posts and be laughing for a week. Thank you.