Wearing a black armband in memory of funemployment.

Well, I'm back at work.  I am thrilled to be gainfully employed and sad that my summer vacation ended so abruptly.  And mad that I didn't have the funds to enjoy my hiatus.  And happy that I'll be productive.  And a little thirsty because it's still so fucking hot.

Speaking of gainful employment - I'm back to the hellish commute, so do you have any audio book recommendations? I like mysteries, but nothing too scary or aggravating, since I'm already going to be throw down-ready while driving. I also like FUNNY books, but make sure they are funny haha not funny I'm going to kill someone if this slow-witted idiot doesn't end it soon.  Yes, Confederacy of Dunces, I'm talking to you.  I've already listened to Bossypants 3 1/2 times in a row, and I just got the hardcover, so I'm feeling like I should branch out.

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Anytime anyone has asked me if I've seen Secretariat [and this has happened a surprising number of times - evidently I'm someone who comes across as horesy.  I said HORSEY, not WHOREY.  Gah, people, come on.  I gave that up a long time ago.  Just ask the husband. Which you can, on Thursdays.], I always say yes.  Except I just realized I haven't.  I actually saw Seabiscuit.  I would argue that they are the same movie.

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Guys need to wear shirts while working out.  And riding bikes.  And walking down the street.  I don't care how awesome you think your bod is, no one wants to see that in the daylight. [Mostly because it is never as awesome as you think it is.]  While I am all about body acceptance, I am more about equality, and until I can walk around in the heat, shirtless, and not have it be a big fucking deal, no one gets to.

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We have been very lucky for pretty much the entire time we've lived in this house in that we've had good neighbors.  Not best buds, or anything, but good neighbors we can chat with and get together with and who aren't assholes.  Until last January, when the neighbors across the street moved and couldn't sell their house and so they are now renting it to the most fucking white trash pieces of shit in the history of shitty neighbors. 

There must be between 4 and 8 people living in that house at any given time, and there are shitty cars parked on the street and the guy has some sort of business where he rents trucks - the latest from Penske, so Penske, if you're reading this, you need to clean house on the people you rent your trucks to - and he parks them in front of his house until the business at the end of the street closes at which point he illegally parks in their lot. 

I hate him and all his trashy family with the heat of a thousand suns, and so does my neighbor, so we spend a lot of time texting each other when we see them do something stupid so that we can call the city. 

Have you ever had a shitty neighbor?  Do pitchforks and torches work?

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Don't forget - it's the Raw Photos contest this week.  Andygirl and I can't wait to see what you've got.  Submit your best PEOPLE pictures so that we can judge you.  In a loving way.

UPDATED: Oh, Gwyneth K. Paltrow, you make my head hurt [Like John C. Mayer]

UPDATED:

Looky what we did, PRANKSTERS:

Oh, yes we did!

You may know how I feel about a certain someone.  A certain someone who . . . well, let's just say is kind of GOOP-y.

NOT Gwyneth K. Paltrow's GOOP.  This one serves a purpose.

Gwyneth K. Paltrow, as you may be aware is not only the daughter of Blythe Danner and Bruce Paltrow, but also an Oscar-winning actress [for Shakespeare in Love] [on par with Marisa Tomei's Oscar, in my opinion], wife of that guy from Coldplay, mother to Apple and Moses [oh, come on.  Really?], and the purveyor of the website GOOP.

Oh, Gwyneth K. Paltrow - Oh, you and Goop.

Your silly, silly online magazine/newsletter.  Your self-involved regurgitation of empty-headed silliness.

I've written about you before.  I still don't like you.

Other people have written about you, Gwyneth K. Paltrow, you and your cleanses and BE.  How insane is it to try and survive on basically water?

Gwyneth K. Paltrow, you think of things and then spew them, and most of the time, it sounds like idiocy.

Read a book, Gwyneth K. Paltrow.  Read a book and stop talking.

Gwyneth K. Paltrow, you are a proponent of being gluten-free, but I don't think you are allergic to gluten.

Gwyneth K. Paltrow, you and your BFF Madonna are silly.  I have zero patience for people who air their fueds in public and online [oh! WAIT! THE HYPOCRISY!]

Gwyneth K. Paltrow, you have no concept of reality.  I mean, I guess you shouldn't, because you are the child of pretty famous actors, so your life is pretty privileged.  Can't you just admit that?  Can't you, Gwyneth K. Paltrow?  Own your privilege.  You cannot relate to the rest of us.

Gwyneth K. Paltrow, you are ridiculous.

Alexander McQueen's biggest mistake.


Gwyneth Paltrow, you have been John C. Mayer'd.