Well, I'm back at work. I am thrilled to be gainfully employed and sad that my summer vacation ended so abruptly. And mad that I didn't have the funds to enjoy my hiatus. And happy that I'll be productive. And a little thirsty because it's still so fucking hot.
Speaking of gainful employment - I'm back to the hellish commute, so do you have any audio book recommendations? I like mysteries, but nothing too scary or aggravating, since I'm already going to be throw down-ready while driving. I also like FUNNY books, but make sure they are funny haha not funny I'm going to kill someone if this slow-witted idiot doesn't end it soon. Yes, Confederacy of Dunces, I'm talking to you. I've already listened to Bossypants 3 1/2 times in a row, and I just got the hardcover, so I'm feeling like I should branch out.
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Anytime anyone has asked me if I've seen Secretariat [and this has happened a surprising number of times - evidently I'm someone who comes across as horesy. I said HORSEY, not WHOREY. Gah, people, come on. I gave that up a long time ago. Just ask the husband. Which you can, on Thursdays.], I always say yes. Except I just realized I haven't. I actually saw Seabiscuit. I would argue that they are the same movie.
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Guys need to wear shirts while working out. And riding bikes. And walking down the street. I don't care how awesome you think your bod is, no one wants to see that in the daylight. [Mostly because it is never as awesome as you think it is.] While I am all about body acceptance, I am more about equality, and until I can walk around in the heat, shirtless, and not have it be a big fucking deal, no one gets to.
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We have been very lucky for pretty much the entire time we've lived in this house in that we've had good neighbors. Not best buds, or anything, but good neighbors we can chat with and get together with and who aren't assholes. Until last January, when the neighbors across the street moved and couldn't sell their house and so they are now renting it to the most fucking white trash pieces of shit in the history of shitty neighbors.
There must be between 4 and 8 people living in that house at any given time, and there are shitty cars parked on the street and the guy has some sort of business where he rents trucks - the latest from Penske, so Penske, if you're reading this, you need to clean house on the people you rent your trucks to - and he parks them in front of his house until the business at the end of the street closes at which point he illegally parks in their lot.
I hate him and all his trashy family with the heat of a thousand suns, and so does my neighbor, so we spend a lot of time texting each other when we see them do something stupid so that we can call the city.
Have you ever had a shitty neighbor? Do pitchforks and torches work?
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Don't forget - it's the Raw Photos contest this week. Andygirl and I can't wait to see what you've got. Submit your best PEOPLE pictures so that we can judge you. In a loving way.
Selfishly?
ReplyDeleteBoo to your working.
As a friend?
YAY for the paycheck.
I have crapass bitch neighbors: two of them. One's a blonde, the other brunette.
And, before my blog, they made my life a living hell.
Now, thanks to blogger, I can say FU! Who needs friends In real life.
xo
Tell us about work!
Oh the dreaded W word. But yay for moolah, yes?
ReplyDeleteI HATE MY NEIGHBORS.
Too harsh?
We live in an apartment, and have 3 neighbors immediately outside our front door. Laura from across is lovely.
The ones next to us? The dude teaches music in there and I'm pretty sure it's illegal to run a business out of a residential area. Plus they play instruments and sing at the top of their voices until midnight sometimes. The ones diagonally across from us? Filthiest people ever. Also inconsiderate. They left 2 huge pieces of broken glass (5 ft in height) just by the door of the refuse area. I have a small child that runs out the front door and could easily have walked right into that glass. Asshats!!!!!!
Sorry about the blog post in your blog post.
I cannot wait to move outta here!
My very post was about my neighbors.
ReplyDeleteSo scathing, that I took it down. If they ever move I will put it back up and then you will crack up.
And also, I had the worst neighbors in California, the house was rented and it was in constant turnover. The guy used to fix up grain hoppers, on our STREET (it was unincorporated). Needless to say, there was a verbal showdown, which included me and him, followed by a standing ovation FOR ME from the rest of the neighbors. They moved shortly thereafter. (and his wife tried to almost run me over with her mini-van).
Never mind neighbours - I have the arsehole HOUSEMATE from hell. Passive aggressive little fucker leaves skidmarks in the toilet, parks in my spot every fucking day and, worst of all, is in complete denial about the fact that is THE GAYEST DUDE ON THE PLANET. He has a 'girlfriend' who comes over - they hang out in his room, mincing around and giggling like mongoloids. Can I stress to you how much I HATE him? Got it? Good. Little fucker.
ReplyDeleteI do NOT recommend Sylvia Plaith's The fucking Bell Jar, as read by Maggie Gyllenhaal on audio book. You will want to kill Maggie and then yourself. I do, however, recommend some EXCELLENT podcasts, which I will email to youm because I adore you.
Love, Sarah xxx
Yay for gainful employment! Boo for a commute!
ReplyDeleteI am SO with you on shirtlessness. Which should also answer your question about if I have awful neighbors. I pretty much live in the middle of shirtless WT renter town. When we bought our house, the neighborhood wasn't finished yet so I didn't give much thought to the same icky landlord buying the rest of the lots and building rental homes. And we bought in the winter, so all the neighbors seemed to be wearing shirts. Talk about false pretenses.
Talking books, you could try any of the Terry Pratchett Discworld books and there is a fantastic book by John Irving "A widow for One Year" that Mrs B managed to miss many trains while getting to the end of chapters....
ReplyDeleteOh, hi, I just found you and am really giggling at all of this, especially the neighbors. Our neighbors, God Bless their little hearts, are kind as can be but very white trash. Like, she runs a daycare and there is a coffee can with cig butts on her front step...broken potted plants...dead stuff...a pinwheel...an American flag. It's atrocious. Congrats on the new job :)
ReplyDeleteOmg, I feel such annoyance that borders on hatred for for all of our neighbors. Across the street? Dogshit all over the sidewalk and bird on balcony that squawks all day. Behind us? All night parties with laughter and cheesy music that carries into our bedroom. Next door to the right? Dude struts around with his earring-clad shirtless self, his wife and kids equally assholey. To the left? The landlord. Yeah.
ReplyDeleteYou might want to try How I Paid for College: a novel of Sex, Theft, Friendship and Musical Theater. It's a funny book, even if you do sometimes want to slap the protag. I haven't listened to it yet, but I read a couple good reviews on the audio. Good luck with work!
ReplyDeleteAlso, how have I been reading your blog for a while now and I just realized your header says Ketchup is for winners, Ted.?
ReplyDeleteI've been cracking up at Augusten Burroughs lately. Some favorites are Running with Scissors and Magical Thinking.
ReplyDeleteCongratulations on a pay cheque! I'm thinking of putting up a TIPS jar, considering I am GROSSLY UNDERAPPRECIATED here (she says as she ignores the piles of laundry, and enjoys the world of blogs).
ReplyDeleteMy neighbours are okay. The neighbour on my left has a daughter who apparently is never ever happy, and therefore never ever has anything positive to say, and comes over every morning to sit and smoke with her mother and bitch for a solid hour about her microcosm of minutiae. I'd like to doof her face off that patio table.
Luckily, that is all I know of my neighbours, and soon my sister will be across the street. Maybe SHE'LL be the annoying neighbour! Ironies abound!
It must be in the air. I, too, posted about neighbors, well at least my shithole of an apartment building.
ReplyDeleteYea for moola but boo that you have to work to get it. If I think of any suggestions for audio books, I'll let you know.
Yes, shirts, gents, please! Also, I noted while I was running yesterday that no one's ass looks good in those bike shorts. Even if it's a tiny, fit butt, it's all squishy on those bike seats.
I could not be happier I am reading this; you have validated my existence with your crappy neighbor post! Mine is a LOBBYIST who think he's he's schmoozing and being a player, when in fact he is a very short man who looks like he's making his First Communion.
ReplyDeleteCongrats on the paycheques!
ReplyDeleteA few years back we had neighbours who shared a parking lot with us. They didn't drive, so instead of keeping their car in the driveway, they kept their giant COMPRESSED GAS CYLINDER...you know, the one they used for their in-house drug lab? I prophecised that they were going to damage the thing, and it would simultaneously explode and act as a torpedo as it launched into the side of our house, killing us all. Luckily, I wasn't the only one who noticed the less-than-subtle equipment, and our "SWAT" team came and evicted all 21 people who lived inside.
The place we moved to after that was next to a halfway house for people coming out of rehab. I figured at least they just came off the drugs instead of producing it. A step in the right direction, yes?
Our neighbours now are good - no druggies! Yay!
Bad neighbors, good books, shirtless guys, and blah to working.
ReplyDeleteI adore you, you know that, right?
Also? I have a thing against guys in tank tops. Why is that?
:)
I have ALL the Harry Potter books on CD, which are genius, and I will loan because I know you are more OCD than me and they will come back all nice. Also, I have Bill Bryson reading his latest, which, if you are into Bill Bryson is awesome, but maybe not for a sucky commute. Email me and I will hook you up with some Harry Potter!
ReplyDeleteI loved Paris to the Moon by Adam Gopnik on CD. I love my neighbours (even more after reading all the comments). The only time we ever call each other bad neighbours is when we're blaming each other for our hangovers.
ReplyDeletei cannot stop listening to "Bossypants". On a loop. Love it. Hmmm, don't get "Flowers for Argernon" - made that mistake once. Sometimes I like Eckhart Toole "A New Earth" when I'm feeling as though I need some spiritual healing. If you haven't read or listened to "The Hunger Games" trilogy - this comes with my HIGHEST recommendation. Or you could record yourself and play it back. That would be pure comedy.
ReplyDeleteHow funny that you should mention Secretariat cuz I just watched that like 2 days ago. It was really good. If I was in the market for a funny audiobook I'd go with Stephen Colbert's "I Am America and So Can You!" but that's just me.
ReplyDeleteSorry about your shitty neighbors. That totally blows goats nuts.
andohmyfuckingshit!!! Blogger is going to let me comment as myself!!!!
Thanks to everyone for commenting and beings so fucking awesome. And for the book recommendations. I'll let you know what I'm listening to and what I think!
ReplyDeleteI thought you said "The Secretary," which is nothing like "Seabiscuit." Surprisingly.
ReplyDeleteAgreed on the shirts on guys rule. However, where there are rules, there are loopholes. Ever see a guy in a (gag) mesh tank top?
ReplyDeleteAs for neighbors, we had some that loved to lay on the horn, tap out little melodies at all hours, as a way of communicating with those inside the house. Thankfully they moved out.
I apparently made the offhanded comment one day that men who mow the lawn shirtless are trying to pick up other guys. And now my husband reminds me of that every time the neighbor mows the yard shirtless (trust me, this man is not eye candy...he should put his shirt back on), and every time HE goes out to mow the yard, he tells me he has to go put on a shirt so he can finish the yard without getting picked up or hit on.
ReplyDeleteBut I do think if I have to wear a shirt all the time outside my home, men should have to as well!
Yay on the job (right?). As far as audiobooks, perhaps I can be of assistance!!!! ; )
ReplyDeleteHave you tried Jen Lancaster? She is pretty funny ... but I've never listened to her in audio form. How about Chelsea Handler? Or Mary Roach? Or David Sedaris? Or A.J. Jacobs? Some are smart/funny and some are smartass/funny but all are interesting.
Yuck on the white trash neighbors. Our neighbors across the street just abandoned their house (foreclosure) but no one has showed up in it yet. I hope we don't have the same fate as you.