Thursday, September 16, 2010

UPDATED: Oh, Gwyneth K. Paltrow, you make my head hurt [Like John C. Mayer]


Looky what we did, PRANKSTERS:

Oh, yes we did!

You may know how I feel about a certain someone.  A certain someone who . . . well, let's just say is kind of GOOP-y.

NOT Gwyneth K. Paltrow's GOOP.  This one serves a purpose.

Gwyneth K. Paltrow, as you may be aware is not only the daughter of Blythe Danner and Bruce Paltrow, but also an Oscar-winning actress [for Shakespeare in Love] [on par with Marisa Tomei's Oscar, in my opinion], wife of that guy from Coldplay, mother to Apple and Moses [oh, come on.  Really?], and the purveyor of the website GOOP.

Oh, Gwyneth K. Paltrow - Oh, you and Goop.

Your silly, silly online magazine/newsletter.  Your self-involved regurgitation of empty-headed silliness.

I've written about you before.  I still don't like you.

Other people have written about you, Gwyneth K. Paltrow, you and your cleanses and BE.  How insane is it to try and survive on basically water?

Gwyneth K. Paltrow, you think of things and then spew them, and most of the time, it sounds like idiocy.

Read a book, Gwyneth K. Paltrow.  Read a book and stop talking.

Gwyneth K. Paltrow, you are a proponent of being gluten-free, but I don't think you are allergic to gluten.

Gwyneth K. Paltrow, you and your BFF Madonna are silly.  I have zero patience for people who air their fueds in public and online [oh! WAIT! THE HYPOCRISY!]

Gwyneth K. Paltrow, you have no concept of reality.  I mean, I guess you shouldn't, because you are the child of pretty famous actors, so your life is pretty privileged.  Can't you just admit that?  Can't you, Gwyneth K. Paltrow?  Own your privilege.  You cannot relate to the rest of us.

Gwyneth K. Paltrow, you are ridiculous.

Alexander McQueen's biggest mistake.

Gwyneth Paltrow, you have been John C. Mayer'd.


  1. I haven't stopped laughing about Gwyneth K. Paltrow since you started writing about Gwyneth K. Paltrow because she's a pompous arrogant fuckbag.

  2. Aunt Becky, that means a lot to me! Thanks!

  3. You know, I don't watch enough movies to know who she is. Yeah, I've heard the name.
    Big deal, she means nothing to me.

    I'm so clueless...

  4. So so true! Gwyneth K. Paltrow gives white people a bad name...and rich people and women and mothers. Seriously why isn't child services involved here? First her naming choices and then she has completely revealed herself to be an absolute asswipe idiot. Ugh! And on't get me started on Shakespeare in Love...what a fuckwit sandwich that was!

  5. I've strongly disliked Gwyneth K. Paltrow ever since she dated William B. Pitt and I doubt I'll ever stop disliking Gwyneth K. Paltrow. Maybe if Gwyneth K. Paltrow takes down her ridiculous website. Even then.

    Thank you for John C. Mayer-ing her. My victim (apple of my eye) is Matthew P. Damon... check it out!

  6. I have to admit, my heart did a little leap when I saw GP's name in the title.

  7. Gwyneth K. Paltrow is such an annoying ass. I love how Michael K. From dlisted calls her Fishsticks Paltrow. Jeffrey Dean Morgan on the other hand.. Should totally band together with John C. Mayer and banish Gwyneth K Paltrow to the Netherworlds.

  8. Sadly, I have seen GOOP. WTF, who calls their newsletter GOOP?

    Great Post, Suniverse, loved the read!

  9. Gwyneth K Paltrow? Seriously? You are right, she sucks. Thanks for reminding me!

  10. I totally agree with you and Aunt Becky. Gwyneth K. Paltrow is a total retard. I love it that you pulled a John C. Mayer on Gwyneth K. Paltrow. Gwyneth K. Paltrow has the personality of a sponge and the brain of a pea.

  11. Renee - You are lucky to be unaware.

    Tonya - Every time you comment, I love you a little more.

    Anna - The only good thing to come out of Gwyneth K. Paltrow and William B. Pitt was Seven.

    Chicken's Consigliere - HA! I aim to please.

    TheEvilStepMom - Oooh, Fishsticks Paltrow! LOVE IT.

    Misty - Thank you! I wish you a GOOP free existence.

    Carol - I'm glad I could help you out!

    N8rlvr - HAHAHA Personality of a sponge. GENIUS.

  12. Hahaha! Update: Excellent work. Hope she googles herself!

  13. That is ALL KINDS of funny!! Congrats to you, girl! Keep us posted on whether you hear from her or her publicist!

  14. Way to go! I didn't even make it to the first page with my Billy Ray Mayering. Wonder if Gwyneth K. Paltrow has been made aware of our dislike?

  15. Natalie - Thanks! I'll definitely keep you informed.

    Carol - Thanks! I'm sure she'll find out. Also, the night is young! We'll get you there.

  16. Gwyneth K. Paltrow, I don't know what you've done to incite the wrath of The Suniverse, but Gwyneth K. Paltrow, you should be watching your back.

  17. Megan, truer words have never been spoken.

  18. I have to agree, Gwyneth K. Paltrow does not have a top spot on my favorite people in Hollywood list. Although I really liked the movie Seven, but mostly because Morgan Freeman is full of the cool. And, well, because I thought it was great that Gwyneth K. Paltrow ended up beheaded at the end, which was completely awesome, except that Gwyneth K. Paltrow losing her head meant that Kevin Spacey had to get shot. And Kevin Spacey is way cooler than Gwyneth K. Paltrow.

  19. Angie - Seven is awesome precisely for that reason. Although it is sad that Kevin Spacey got shot. I like to think he would have been exonerated for that, though.

  20. Gwyneth K. Paltrow's name continues to cause my fingers to trip over themselves on the keyboard, and they don't like to trip.

    I'm very pleased about your Gwyneth K. Paltrow Google results; nice work.

    Henceforth, if you continue to write about her, I shall refer to her as Eve in my comments -- as we discussed earlier. Way easier to type -- no tangles.

  21. Thank you so much for taking the time to deconstruct what it is exactly about Gwyneth (Is that how you say Guinness when you've had too many?
    'I'll have another Gwyneth, please.') that is so irritating. I've never been able to pinpoint why she is like nails on a chalkboard. You do NOT name your child after a piece of fruit -- ever! I guess that girl should be glad kumquat came in second.

  22. Cecelia - Thanks!

    Alyson - Good call on the renaming. Whatever makes your life easier, I say go for it!

    MomZombie - So glad I could help! And I think you might be right about the slurry Guinness, but how sad for such a good beer!

  23. I don’t know about you, but I think that Gwyneth K. Paltrow would totally appreciate a post wholly dedicated to Gwyneth K. Paltrow.

    I wonder if the GOOPY ass of Gwyneth K. Paltrow would be interested in Gerard J. Butler if they both had the chance?

    While your John C. Mayer-ing of Gwyneth K. Paltrow has turned out to be impressively productive, much like that of Tina S. Fey or Kanye O. West, I am sucking hard with my Gerard J. Butler John C. Mayer-ing attempt.

    Keep on keepin’ on!

    I am gonna link to everyone’s Blog from Mommy Wants Vodka to assist in their google success. Much like the success of this Gwyneth K. Paltrow post. YAY!

    *gets up to cheer*
    *accidentally kicks dog and he yelps*
    *neighbour calls animal control*
    *start story with the words, but Mommy Wants Vodka*
    *dog gets confiscated*

  24. I pulled a John C. Mayer on Adam M. Lambert! Go me! Way to go for pulling yours on......Gwyneth K. Paltrow

  25. Stephanie C - Oh, you know what? You're probably right. Gwyneth K. Paltrow would LOVE a post about her. And she would totally throw down with Gerard J. Butler. Totally. [Sorry about animal control. They are right bastards.]

    Rebecca - Ah, Adam M. Lambert, so deserving!

  26. I've never gotten over why she named Apple. Really?

  27. Had to read this again. With all the Country Strong halloo, I needed a reminder. I'm feeling so totally "mean girls" right now.

  28. Dude. I can't believe you have a beef with Gwyneth K. Paltrow. My kids (Banana, Rutebega, and Jebediah) think you are being a little harsh. Oh who am I kidding. She's the reason I got my one and only brazilian bikini wax a few years ago. That bitch said it made her glide instead of walk. As if. That shit made me limp and scratch like a mangey dog. But enough about my cooter.


Every time you comment, I get a lady boner.