The one that is still killing me right now is this comment I got on my post about the simple things, which for me evidently includes finding a pubic hair in a library cookbook [a book of ice cream recipes, which makes it somehow so much worse]:
Gary Oxford said...
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That's what you get for checking out Clarence Thomas' "The Federalist Recipes".
Anyway, enough about how awesome you all are - I mean, this is MY blog, so I should just constantly be talking about how awesome I AM. Because truly, where else are you going to find someone as spectacular as I am? Nowhere, because people like me? As rare as diamonds [which I know are artificially scarce, but come on, cut me a break, here]. I am wondrous and my fabulousness is known throughout the microphone - I get stupid, I mean outrageous, stay away from me if you're contagious, cause I'm a winner, no not a loser . . .
O.k., I'll stop channeling Rob Base. [Go ahead, click on this YouTube link and I defy you to not chair dance.]
Anyway, I think I'm a pretty nice person - I mean, I give to charity, and I'm polite and I'll only talk about you behind your back when I'm sure you won't hear what I'm saying. I'm nice and people should want to get to know me.
It seems not everyone has gotten that message.
I was at the pool the other day [because it is 8,000 degrees and I also haven't had my fill of other people's urine polluting my space] and I thought I recognized this woman, but I wasn't sure from where. I thought we had caught glances a few times, you know? A few of those Do I know you? glances.
So I went up to her and said, "Hi, you look very familiar to me. I think I recognize you from somewhere."
And this bitch said, "Well I have no idea who you are."
Wow. O.k., evidently we are not destined to be friends, and I wasn't going to ask for a kidney, but what the fuck? How is that an o.k. way to react to someone? DOES SHE NOT KNOW WHO I AM?
She is so not allowed to read my blog.
Wow, bitch. I would've kicked her into the pool and said, oops, I had *no idea* you were standing there.
ReplyDeleteAnd you are awesomesauce.
I forgot to tell you...seriously, you don't have to worry about sending that hair back to me. I have plenty more where that came from.
ReplyDeleteOn today's menu: Sticky Buns!
EW.
ReplyDeleteGet me her phone number. She and I need to have a little chat.
Ugh.
ReplyDeleteThat is all.
Just ugh.
Dude! What? They're called manners. Get some. (I'm so rapping in my office right now...)
ReplyDeleteWTF?! Passing up the opportunity to make a new friend? At the very least, she could have been polite, or pretended not to speak English. I mean really?!
ReplyDeleteI like Alison's idea. What a total bitch. Why can't people just be nice? I mean, I totally read "The Four Agreements" and understand that everyone's the star of their own show and nothing should be taken personally because everything anyone does is a reflection of them, not you...but still. Still. Suckery exists.
ReplyDeleteMeanwhile: The reason I, for example, do not have an email address linked up with my comments is because for some reason, for the past several weeks, I come up as "Anonymous" when I try to comment on certain Blogger blogs even after I sign in to my account. Really weird. So even though I KNOW you'd know who I was just by my commenting style, I'd rather you see my name and just know for sure it's me. ;)
When you are elected (by acclamation, of course) Lord God, Queen of the Universe, she will be first up against the wall. Or alternatively, she can be your food taster's shit handler. Her choice.
ReplyDeleteI saw a woman at Blogging Out Loud Ottawa that I'd worked and traveled with before I had kids, and when I approached her she admitted to knowing me, but clearly had no desire to reconnect or have anything to do with me. It didn't really bother me, I just found it curious. If I came across me after thirteen years of me-lessness, I'd be thrilled. And I agree, your commenters are in a category all their own - I suffer regularly from comment envy.
ReplyDeleteSome people deserve to be smacked. Seriously. How do you even respond to that? "Well I have no idea who your are." I'm the retard that INSISTS you know me! I start with the questions: What high school did you go to? Did you ever work for so-and-so? What about (fill in random name here), do you know her? And by this point they're either pretty annoyed or genuinely trying to figure out where I think I know them from. Hopefully annoyed if I got such a b*tchy response. As Steph from Full House would say: How RUDE!!!
ReplyDeleteA totally junior high move all the way around. Kind of like when one of those Mean Girl Bitches looks you up and down before deciding whether to say anything to you. And if you should be so lucky as to be the recipient of an inquiry it will be one like this:
ReplyDeleteBitch: Where did you get your shoes?
Me: JCPenney.
Bitch: Oh .... ummmhmmmm
And I would have been all, "And I had no idea you were that close to the pool" as I shoulder shoved her ever so slightly. Whoops. My bad. What a snark.
ReplyDeleteAnd Gary's comment--brilliant.
Shoulda pushed her in the pool
ReplyDeleteYou could be like, "No love for the haters, motha fucka!"
ReplyDeleteonly one thing to do in that circumstance: reply as loudly as humanly possible "I remember now, I saw you stealing ointment samples from genital wart support group at the library, while I was setting up my "baked goods for the blind" table during the "Reading is Fundamental" meeting.
ReplyDeleteThat's right! I saw you coming out of the free clinic!
ReplyDeletethis reminds me of my old favorite joke:
ReplyDeletea southern lady is at a conference, meeting new business contacts. when chatting with a woman, the lady said, "so, where are you from?"
the woman regarded our southern lady coolly. "i am from a part of the country where we do NOT end our sentences in PREPOSITIONS."
the lady laughed. "oh, i'm sorry - what i meant to say is, 'where are you from, bitch?'"
The hell? She doesn't know who you are? Loser! Totally not worth your time.
ReplyDelete"She is so not allowed to read my blog." You are freaking hilarious.
Oh how I love you for the giggles you give me every freakin day.
ReplyDeleteMy answer to her "well I have fing idea who you are either, that's why I asked you boughie bitch" ....
Enough? Right? Xo
One day you'll be on the news saying "Yeah, I always thought Sarah might go ninja one day... she was always kinda, unhinged you know?".
ReplyDeleteBecause your pool-bitch and my tail-gating, light-flashing, bird-flipping-bitch will be in the same place at the same time and it will be a perfect storm of psycho-cuntery and I will go frickin supernova and take those bitches out!
I know I shouldn't say this stuff out loud.
Sarah xxx
Okay, as always I'm behind and reading your posts backward from most recent...so if you answered this question in your pubic hair + library cookbook post I apologize.
ReplyDeleteBut I gotta know:
What flavor?
why didn't you finish off with, "yeah, weren't you on The Biggest Loser?" or "Oh, I know, you remind me of my crazy aunt Birtha who's been in the mental ward for years because she tried to eat off her face."
ReplyDeleteOh, I know exactly who she was. Her name is Beth and she lives in Northern Illinois. Her kids are totally obnoxious and she yells at them all the time in private, but in public she pretends to really, really love them.
ReplyDeleteShe is also married to doctor who is a closet homosexual, and everyone but her seems to know this.
And she is CRANKY all the time. Probably because she doesn't get laid.
I hope that slutbag finds one million pubic hairs in her next library book.
ReplyDelete