Thursday, July 28, 2011

The Husband on Thursday - It Begins

As noted, the Husband has graciously agreed to post on Thursdays for me.  I am a little mad because this is far too fucking funny, but I'll refrain from stealing it and saying I wrote it and just let you enjoy:  

A guest blog appearance on the Suniverse – dreams really do come true!  My first inclination was to actually read her blog but I caught myself and said, “Generalissimo, WWGD? What would Gwyneth do?”  Naturally, Gwyneth wouldn’t bother to acquire an expertise about a subject before spouting off on the internet about it to all of her sycophantic fans, and neither shall I.

Now for some of that behind the scenes dope I’m sure you’re all expecting me to dish.  While it’s common knowledge that the Suniverse is infatuated with Tina Fey and her NBC sitcom, referred to at home as 30 Crack Rock, what isn’t so apparent is the reason(s) behind said attraction.  Allow me to drop some science, 30 Rock is a parallel Suniverse. 

Very obviously, Tina Fey’s character, Liz Lemon, represents our heroine the Suniverse.  She is smart, clever, funny, pretty, and emotionally unbalanced.  She is perpetually starving, tired, and undersexed. Besides being the only person capable of running the “show”, she finds herself to be the only one willing to sacrifice her own personal needs and desires for the good of the “show”.  

Let’s examine the cast of characters as they apply to the Suniverse’ real life staff.

Pete Hornberger – representing the “Husband”.  He is the Suniverse’ biggest supporter amongst the staff (mostly because he doesn’t want to do the heavy lifting himself) and an accurate representation of the Suniverse’ perception of how her “Husband” feels about family life. ("Because sometimes it feels like too much and maybe Daddy just needs to get in the car and drive." – Pete Hornberger)

Kenneth Parcell – represents the Husband’s hillbilly family and bad British teeth. (My parents told me that the orthodontist said they would straighten out when my jaw grew; it never did).

Tracy Jordan – represents the Husband’s celebrity-like self-indulgence and willful obliviousness to people and things going around him, as well as the stay up/out all night attitude that he should have stopped some15 years ago.

Frank Rossitano – the Husband’s frat-boy sexual deviance.

Toofer – the inverse representation of the Husband’s suburban white-guy love of all things Gangsta and subsequent ridiculousness.

JD Lutz – the Husband’s dopey white-guy love of fantasy sports, video games, Joseph Conrad novels, and dark, depressing movies.

Jenna Maroney – the Girl’s self-absorption and histrionic/narcissitic personality disorders - not to mention her propensity for idea larceny.

Cerie – represents the Girl as the hip, young, tech-savvy beauty that has her whole life ahead of her. A constant reminder of the Suniverse’ misspent youth.

Jack Donaghy – this one took a moment.  I mean who in the Suniverse’ world is that charismatic, seductive, powerful, and sophisticated.  Who does the Suniverse turn to as a friend, mentor, role model, or voice of reason?  And then it dawned on me, it’s all of you. 

So I thank you, Internets. For being there when the Girl and I sat waiting for hours for the Suniverse to join us for an episode of Lost, or causing her to lose track of time and subsequently burn the beejeezus out of the chicken, again.  And lest I forget, thanks for all those wonderful moments when she looks up at me from the computer and says, “What are you talking about?”


  1. Suniverse, I would've totally taken credit for this one. The Husband? He's good! I have to admit, he really won me over when he referred to me (as well as the rest of the internet people) as Jack Donaghy. Major points for that one because Jack? Well, he's just awesome. And so was this post. Looking forward to next Thursday!!

  2. Wow, lucky you to have a husband that's so supportive (ehem) of your blogging activities. That bit about Tina Fey's character, "She is smart, clever, funny, pretty, and emotionally unbalanced," awwww... how sweet... even with the emotionally unbalanced part. lol

    And how could you not love a man who's aware of his imperfections? Trust me, he's one in a million, cos mine definitely thinks he's perfect (when he's not).

    Bravo to both you and Mr. Suniverse!

  3. Your husband sounds like an awesome guy and I love that he referred to us as Jack Donaghy!

  4. In this parallel Suniverse, can I be Dr. Leo Spacemen? I'm droll, criminally irresponsible, and appear only sporadically.

  5. We are a seductive bunch, aren't we?

  6. Well, Mr. Suniverse, you've set the bar high for your subsequent posts. This was BRILLIANT.

    Now, I wonder if the Girl writes just as well.....

  7. If I'm Jack then I get to have a muchacha at Salma hayek's delightful peaches and I would TOTALLY go lez for Salma. I don't even care if muchacha isn't a real word - I want to to go to there.

    You're smart, Suniverse.

    Sarah xxx

  8. This was fabulous! A very fun read! The Husband does not swear like the Suniverse? Interesting.

  9. Being the virtual Jack Donaghy is a VERY good thing. And the Pulitzer goes to the funny guest blogger!

  10. ha--how can you not HEART HIM? He wove your obsession lovingly into a post. Aw.

  11. awwwww... well-written posts that totally suck up to the audience? i think i'm gonna like this. :)

  12. Hey, leave British teeth alone, while we might not spend the millions on them that you Yanks do there is a naturalness about them that ultra day glow white teeth, that look like they belong in Arlington cemetery rather than someone’s mouth, can never have. A bit like fake boobs, while they look good from a distance they just don’t handle right….

  13. Suniverse - your husband and Mr. Winesap would be great friends. :)

  14. Why yes- yes I am just like Jack- especially the way described herein....Geebus your Hubby's smooth, too especially for where all ya'll live. Sure, I too am a product of that very school system, so I know why you want the girl to be educated there, but you all belong someplace fabulous.

  15. I want to be the Hill Witch in this scenario. I bet she has cats.

  16. I like him. I really, really like him. Of course Suniverse would have to be married to an awesome, funny guy.

    And that last part? I'm pretty sure all of our husbands can relate - at least I know mine can! :)

  17. Pretty trumps emotionally unbalanced every time! Too funny, can't wait until next Thursday. You are a brave woman.

  18. Well he's a keeper I see and shares ur disdain for Gwen...soul mates I tell you!

    Loved this, love u (as always) and it seems that thursdays will be an interesting day in the "universe" ;)

  19. So I was busy reading, admiring this hilarious post when I realized that if the Husband posts here every Thursday, he will be essentially doing what I do on my blog.

    I post only on Thursdays. Unless I'm too busy or lazy.

    Which means he is pretty much already beating my blog.

    But DAMN he's funny so I can't even hate him.

    Just don't tell me he also appreciates your homemade ice cream and approves of peeing in public pools because then I'll really be jealous.

    A lot.


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