As noted, the Husband has graciously agreed to post on Thursdays for me. I am a little mad because this is far too fucking funny, but I'll refrain from stealing it and saying I wrote it and just let you enjoy:
A guest blog appearance on the Suniverse – dreams really do come true! My first inclination was to actually read her blog but I caught myself and said, “Generalissimo, WWGD? What would Gwyneth do?” Naturally, Gwyneth wouldn’t bother to acquire an expertise about a subject before spouting off on the internet about it to all of her sycophantic fans, and neither shall I.
Now for some of that behind the scenes dope I’m sure you’re all expecting me to dish. While it’s common knowledge that the Suniverse is infatuated with Tina Fey and her NBC sitcom, referred to at home as 30 Crack Rock, what isn’t so apparent is the reason(s) behind said attraction. Allow me to drop some science, 30 Rock is a parallel Suniverse.
Very obviously, Tina Fey’s character, Liz Lemon, represents our heroine the Suniverse. She is smart, clever, funny, pretty, and emotionally unbalanced. She is perpetually starving, tired, and undersexed. Besides being the only person capable of running the “show”, she finds herself to be the only one willing to sacrifice her own personal needs and desires for the good of the “show”.
Let’s examine the cast of characters as they apply to the Suniverse’ real life staff.
Pete Hornberger – representing the “Husband”. He is the Suniverse’ biggest supporter amongst the staff (mostly because he doesn’t want to do the heavy lifting himself) and an accurate representation of the Suniverse’ perception of how her “Husband” feels about family life. ("Because sometimes it feels like too much and maybe Daddy just needs to get in the car and drive." – Pete Hornberger)
Kenneth Parcell – represents the Husband’s hillbilly family and bad British teeth. (My parents told me that the orthodontist said they would straighten out when my jaw grew; it never did).
Tracy Jordan – represents the Husband’s celebrity-like self-indulgence and willful obliviousness to people and things going around him, as well as the stay up/out all night attitude that he should have stopped some15 years ago.
Frank Rossitano – the Husband’s frat-boy sexual deviance.
Toofer – the inverse representation of the Husband’s suburban white-guy love of all things Gangsta and subsequent ridiculousness.
JD Lutz – the Husband’s dopey white-guy love of fantasy sports, video games, Joseph Conrad novels, and dark, depressing movies.
Jenna Maroney – the Girl’s self-absorption and histrionic/narcissitic personality disorders - not to mention her propensity for idea larceny.
Cerie – represents the Girl as the hip, young, tech-savvy beauty that has her whole life ahead of her. A constant reminder of the Suniverse’ misspent youth.
Jack Donaghy – this one took a moment. I mean who in the Suniverse’ world is that charismatic, seductive, powerful, and sophisticated. Who does the Suniverse turn to as a friend, mentor, role model, or voice of reason? And then it dawned on me, it’s all of you.
So I thank you, Internets. For being there when the Girl and I sat waiting for hours for the Suniverse to join us for an episode of Lost, or causing her to lose track of time and subsequently burn the beejeezus out of the chicken, again. And lest I forget, thanks for all those wonderful moments when she looks up at me from the computer and says, “What are you talking about?”