Tuesday, August 16, 2011


As I've noted, Tuesdays are going to be a day for my wonderful blogging friends to use this space to let loose. There are no rules, not even that one rule about not talking about Fight Club.

Do you know this week's Guest Poster, Mrs. Jen Bardall? Isn't she delightful? Her blog, The Misadventures of Mrs. B. is excellent must-read stuff.  She has such delicious recipes, you'll wonder why you aren't invited over to her house every night for dinner or some chocolate cheesecake.  And she's got amazing writing chops that leave you breathless.  Plus, she's got handy info on social media and tips for bloggers.  

She is a woman for all people.  Suck on that, Mother Theresa.

So, go, read.  And follow her on Twitter.

But first, read this:

First, let me take the opportunity to thank Suniverse (or Sunny, as I affectionately refer to her in my head) for having me here today.  I don’t often get to let loose and let others in on some of my less-than-savory traits and habits.  Like a potty mouth which I try like the dickens to keep under wraps on my own blog because, like…my mom reads it.  The very woman who taught me most of the filthy words in my vocabulary. 

I wouldn’t want her to know that my talent for stringing obscenities together has surpassed hers.  It would just make her feel bad. 

So thank you, Sunny, for making me laugh every day and for giving me a place to vent my unsavoriness.

Did y’all know I was a theatre major in college? I sure was.  Which explains why I now work in an office.  Because I’m not qualified to do anything else. 

But being trained in acting has aided me in so many ways, both professionally and personally.  I am a pro at “Acting As If”.  Acting as if I give half a shit about a coworker’s Holy Grail-esque search for the perfect Halloween costume for an infant who won’t remember wearing it anyway. 

Acting as if I didn’t just take the last caramel vanilla crème K-cup and not refill the supply because I was in a hurry and, well, just didn’t feel like it. 

Acting as if I don’t sit here and write notes and rough drafts of work which I hope to God will get me out of this place one day. 

One trait which (I like to believe) helped me enormously during my college theatre career is my expressive face.  I can convey emotion through my expressions quite easily.

I’m not talking, like, Jim Carrey-level expressiveness.  I’m not a rubber face. 

Nor do just move my eyebrows up and down to make a point, like Emma Watson.  Someone must’ve taught her that trick during the filming of HP1 and she just never let it go.  (Have you ever noticed that she does that? Seriously.  Take a look.)

However, as much as my face helped me through numerous acting classes and productions, it doesn’t help me very much in the real world.  In fact, it’s going to get me into serious trouble one day.

True Life Scenario: I’m waiting for a train on a hot, airless underground platform.  It’s 100 degrees outside and all sorts of nastiness is rearing its sweaty head.  I’m talking serious stank issues, people.

Train pulls up.  Doors open and aaaaahhhhh! the cool caress of air conditioning floats towards me on the wings of singing angels.  No sooner do I take a step towards bliss than BAM! I’m slammed into by another woman who God the fuck forbid waits her own turn.  Because, I don’t know, the doors might close right behind me and leave her on the stanky platform.  Because she’s just so fucking important that she needs to practically trample me in order to get a seat before anyone else.

In such an instance the voice in my brain screams BITCH, I WILL EAT YOUR SOUL FOR THIS! WHILE YOUR CHILDREN WATCH!

Incidentally, the voice in my brain sounds like Zul from “Ghostbusters”.

And then I catch a glimpse of my reflection in the grimy train windows and notice that even though the words haven’t left my mouth, they’re written all over this expressive face of mine.  And I may or may not be intimdated by myself.  I panic and force my face back into its normal, passive expression and hope no one else noticed.

See, folks, it’s not easy to fool the rest of the world into believing that you’re a nice person.  Keeping up this charade is a real chore.  I have to act as if I’m all kind and considerate and pleasant while inside I’m plotting a major world takeover.  If I can’t trust my face to stay “on my side”, as it were, who or what can I trust?

Botox? Possibly.  Maybe if I paralyze my facial muscles they’ll no longer betray me.  Add to that a pair of dark sunglasses to hide the fiery fury in my eyes and we’re all set – meanwhile, people will think I’m just wearing sunglasses everywhere because I’m so cool.  Which I am.  I just don’t need to wear sunglasses to prove it.

The more I think on this the more it appeals to me.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to set up my first appointment with the dermatologist.

(Clearly I don’t mean any of this nastiness.  I just hate rude people and tend to let my hatred show through on my face, which may one day get me shot.  I’m a really nice person and you should love me if you don’t already.)


  1. I love you, you know that Jen. And I totally am with you on rude people. I tend to roll my eyes a lot. Unabashedly. Hehe.

  2. Mwah! Mwah! Mwah! <-- That was me kissing you. Because I love you and am so happy you're letting me visit today! I hope I don't scare anyone off...

    Thank you for your sweet words. You're a treasure. Seriously.

  3. Oh Jen, I am giggling up a storm over here. I hope your expressions don't get you shot :) That would suck. I do hope that the rude lady noticed and was scared of Zul. Because everyone should have a little fear of Zul in them.

  4. "there is no Dana, only Zul"

    I sometimes slip up and say things out loud when people bump into me like that.

  5. You should give a class! I could use it, as I have a related problem. Apparently I look like I am a nice person and/or one who is easily duped. Even when I scowl, grimace, viciously avoid eye contact, skip showers and generally do my best to be a malcontent: Strangers always stopping me during my jog to ask directions, old people needing a hand when they fall off their rascal, kids lost at the Mall.

    Just give us one good look, please, I desperately want to intimidate someone!

  6. That was super duper hilarious. I loved the whole idea of being a good "As if..." actor. That touched my heart. I've been playing the role of sub-par, shitty homemaker for a few years now. "I will eat your soul while your children watch."

    Lurv it.

  7. Ok this should have had a disclaimer: because laughing uncontrollably during my daughter's piano lesson....not good. Although I have to tell you, the actor you....is very very convincing! As in oscar worthy! Love you!!!

  8. See, people? THIS is WHY suniverse can NEVER quit blogging.

    She brings the inner naughty out of all of us...what a gift?

    The women we USED to be.

    Yes, I already loved JenB. I sent her homemade truffles, you know...

  9. I dunno. I kind of like it when my son says "can you turn off your eyes? You're scaring me!"

  10. Amazing as always, Jen. I'm off to act as if I forgot to do my laundry and went outside to play inside...

    P.S. A belated happy birthday to you, Suniverse. I love you so much!

  11. Ah, Jen, I love you! We are so meant for each other and this clearly says that. I try so hard to keep my mouth shut and my facial expressions under wraps. But sometimes? It's more fun to let it slip!

  12. Maybe I need to take some acting classes or have my tongue cut out, I so would have given her an ear full. I hope that didn't scare too many people!

  13. Hi Suni!
    I adore Jen B.....Absolutely fucking adore her! She's like another twin of mine.

    Jen here's the thing..I don't even try to hide it anymore, I used to be smiling while people peed on my shoes and saying I was "sorry" to them, I still say "I'm sorry" for no good reason BUT I do it wih a face that tells them to go uumm....well you know. John has told me that I have to stop doing it...I told him....well you know! ;)

    Love u girlie...love u too Sunny!!

  14. I LOVE JEN B.


    She is fantastic.

  15. My mom always says, "Fake it 'til you make it" with a big ol'Stepford wife smile on her face. And my retort usually is, "I'd rather just blatantly suck."

  16. Everyone following Jen's blog has exquisite taste (*ahem*). Anyone throwing down a casual Zul reference owns my heart forever.

  17. Everyone - you are awesome. The end. I love you.

  18. Oh, Jen. I like an excuse to channel my inner Zul, too.

    But this whole post cracked me up because on occasion? I enjoy a bit of unsavoriness as well.

    Maybe a lot.

    I thought I was the only one...
    So cheers to Sunny.

    And sunglasses.
    (although Botox wouldn't suck either.)


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