Profanity AND advice, with a chewy caramel center.

So my cuntface post struck a chord.

I am completely in love with all of you - seriously.  Let's move to Utah.  Particularly since YOU SAW MY POINT.  It's wonderful to have so many people who get where you're coming from.  Even if the word itself is beyond your own comfort level, I love that you agree with me in principle.

The other awesome thing is that people want my advice.  Now, if there's one thing I like more than swearing, it's telling people what to do.  And to be able to swear AND tell people what to do? OH, MY GOD, I think I just made a mess in my pants that for once has nothing to do with the abysmal loss of bladder control no one tells you about when you decide you're going to have a kid.

Without further ado, Ask the Suniverse!

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Dear Suniverse,
 
i'm having trouble with my co-workers. they expect me to come into work every day and do shit all day long. i hate them for this and it's starting to show. what should i do?

lost in los angeles,
simone


Dear Simone,

Oh, sweetie, coworkers are the devil.

They'll steal your chair or talk about their boring lives or bring in herring chutney to heat up the microwave.  But the worst fucking thing? Is that they expect you to do stuff.  What are you? The Bionic Woman? You've got a lot on your plate without having to show up every day and ostensibly do work with a non-hateful attitude.

Here's what you need to do:

Pretend you are a secret agent and it is of vital importance that these douchebags think you're a really, really nice person who actually gives a shit about the job and their lives.  Or, if you've always wanted to be an actor, this is the perfect opportunity for you to get your thespian on.  Pick out a character - Sally Sunshine! - and give her a backstory.  Maybe she's only got one kidney; maybe she has 10 cats.  Whatever it is, commit like you've got a Daytime Emmy on the line [it counts as EGOT].

Alternately, you can be that person in meetings who tosses out ideas that end up using all the office supplies as well as the world's supply of paradigms.  You'll be CEO in no time - and that rat bastard gets an office with a door that closes and a couch and probably a secretary to bang.

See you in the salt mines.

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Hi, yeah, I have a parenting question:

My child recently called me a cuntface. What should I do?

Sincerely,

Confused Mom


Dear Confused Mom,

This right here is the perfect opportunity to pull out that most excellent parenting technique DO AS I SAY AND NOT AS I DO.   This technique is also applicable for drinking, smoking, having an affair and eating McDonalds for breakfast when you are hungover from drinking and smoking and having an affair.

I'd also advise you to stick really close to your child, not because he or she needs quality parenting time, but because proximity is the best way to cause mortification and for being such a disrespectful wanker, your kid gets extra-helpings of you calling out embarrassing nicknames and licking your finger to wipe a bit of dirt off of his or her face while he or she is hanging out with his or her* friends.

*Next time, I'm picking a gender specific pronoun and just using the one.

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So that's what I've got this week.  I've not been able to catch up on the news, but I know that London was on fire [rebellion in the streets] and the stock market yo-yo'd [I hope those fucking assholes made a ton of money giving people a heart attack] and the Republican candidates stood around in Iowa talking about vaginas.  Wait. What?

Let me know what you've got going on.  And if you want your etiquette question answered, I'd suggest writing in to the incomparable Miss Manners [I LOVE HER SO MUCH].  If you have other issues, I'm your girl.

XO,

S