Friday, August 12, 2011

Profanity AND advice, with a chewy caramel center.

So my cuntface post struck a chord.

I am completely in love with all of you - seriously.  Let's move to Utah.  Particularly since YOU SAW MY POINT.  It's wonderful to have so many people who get where you're coming from.  Even if the word itself is beyond your own comfort level, I love that you agree with me in principle.

The other awesome thing is that people want my advice.  Now, if there's one thing I like more than swearing, it's telling people what to do.  And to be able to swear AND tell people what to do? OH, MY GOD, I think I just made a mess in my pants that for once has nothing to do with the abysmal loss of bladder control no one tells you about when you decide you're going to have a kid.

Without further ado, Ask the Suniverse!


Dear Suniverse,

i'm having trouble with my co-workers. they expect me to come into work every day and do shit all day long. i hate them for this and it's starting to show. what should i do?

lost in los angeles,

Dear Simone,

Oh, sweetie, coworkers are the devil.

They'll steal your chair or talk about their boring lives or bring in herring chutney to heat up the microwave.  But the worst fucking thing? Is that they expect you to do stuff.  What are you? The Bionic Woman? You've got a lot on your plate without having to show up every day and ostensibly do work with a non-hateful attitude.

Here's what you need to do:

Pretend you are a secret agent and it is of vital importance that these douchebags think you're a really, really nice person who actually gives a shit about the job and their lives.  Or, if you've always wanted to be an actor, this is the perfect opportunity for you to get your thespian on.  Pick out a character - Sally Sunshine! - and give her a backstory.  Maybe she's only got one kidney; maybe she has 10 cats.  Whatever it is, commit like you've got a Daytime Emmy on the line [it counts as EGOT].

Alternately, you can be that person in meetings who tosses out ideas that end up using all the office supplies as well as the world's supply of paradigms.  You'll be CEO in no time - and that rat bastard gets an office with a door that closes and a couch and probably a secretary to bang.

See you in the salt mines.


Hi, yeah, I have a parenting question:

My child recently called me a cuntface. What should I do?


Confused Mom

Dear Confused Mom,

This right here is the perfect opportunity to pull out that most excellent parenting technique DO AS I SAY AND NOT AS I DO.   This technique is also applicable for drinking, smoking, having an affair and eating McDonalds for breakfast when you are hungover from drinking and smoking and having an affair.

I'd also advise you to stick really close to your child, not because he or she needs quality parenting time, but because proximity is the best way to cause mortification and for being such a disrespectful wanker, your kid gets extra-helpings of you calling out embarrassing nicknames and licking your finger to wipe a bit of dirt off of his or her face while he or she is hanging out with his or her* friends.

*Next time, I'm picking a gender specific pronoun and just using the one.


So that's what I've got this week.  I've not been able to catch up on the news, but I know that London was on fire [rebellion in the streets] and the stock market yo-yo'd [I hope those fucking assholes made a ton of money giving people a heart attack] and the Republican candidates stood around in Iowa talking about vaginas.  Wait. What?

Let me know what you've got going on.  And if you want your etiquette question answered, I'd suggest writing in to the incomparable Miss Manners [I LOVE HER SO MUCH].  If you have other issues, I'm your girl.




  1. This might be my most favorite post ever. Probably because you used the words herring chutney and wanker for a start. I think I just peed.

  2. Wait. What? Where was the chewy carmel center? Damn it. I wanted that. Maybe I'll go to work and steal it from the candy dish that corporate paid for...since I'm at home with minions that reads as: what I pick up from WalMart later today.

  3. I wish you were just being silly with the herring chutney but we both know it's true. People can't keep from bringing fish to work for lunch.

  4. rofl I heart you! I haven't used my Klout in a while because I forgot about it, but going to for this post f'n hil.ari.ous! As for the my mom called me a cuntface. My instinct would have been to beat the child. I love your answer more lol. (I wouldn't have beat the child. It's illegal)

  5. I always scroll down your comments, just so I can see the naked man to the right.

    I even leave a comment of my own sometimes.

    I'd love to use your work persona suggestion, but every time I try to play the oversexed naughty librarian, my coworkers get miffed.

    Sally Sunshine is my real name.

  6. You. Are. Awesome. Truly. I love reading your posts. I cannot say this enough (or maybe I can). I look like a bobble head when I read your blog because I nod in agreement...a lot. I also laugh out loud (VERY loud) and have done a few spit takes. While it hasn't happened yet, even if I didn't agree with something you said, I'd appreciate and respect the delivery. Alright I'll stop gushing now.

  7. Dear Suniverse,

    There is a dude in my local supermarket who often stands at the end of the aisle, staring at me, with one hand down his pants. I have seen him do this to other women too.

    Obviously he is a total catch. How do I summon the courage to ask him for his number?

    Love, WhyAMISingle?

  8. emmy/grammy/oscar/tony... if TJ can do it, by golly, so can i!

    thank you, dear suniverse, for setting my wayward ass straight!

    Keep swearing and telling people what to do. Because you're good at it. Damn good.


    p.s. but can i still hate on the mutherfuckers who heat up fish in the microwave?

  9. Thank you so much for your coworker advice! I can't wait to try it out next week. And the timing could not be better. Just this past Monday my boss came into my office and wanted to know what was wrong with me because, and I quote, "You don't look good." I looked her square in the face and said, "Listen up. I'm vertical, I'm dressed, and I'm here. What more do you want?!?" OK, I didn't actually say that, but I sure wanted to. But the next time she tells me I don't look good, I'm gonna tell her it's because I only have one kidney and my 10 cats kept me up all night. Thank you!

  10. A. I AM from Utah. B. If my child ever called me a cuntface I would start walking around the house nude, and tell them every time I peed my pants after sneezing - because it's their fault anyway.

    So here goes.

    Dear Suniverse,
    Every time I see a young, slender girl look at me like I'm some old, saggy pair of stained granny panties I want to kick her in the teeth, kidnap her Abercrombie model of a boyfriend and hide him in my basement, and maybe gypsy curse her with an overtly visual glandular disease. Does this mean I'm a bitter old hag? More importantly, where can I buy handcuffs, and what's the legal age of consent in Washington sate?

  11. Dear Suniverse,

    I want to do unspeakably painful things to my boss, who is a complete douche canoe. Any suggestions on where I should start?

    Tired of cleaning up her office

  12. Better than caramel and reading your blog doesn't make my ass get wider. Oh, wait, maybe it DOES. Shit. Well, I guess it's better than eating caramels while I read your blog. That would be bad.

  13. This may be the perfect opportunity for Simone to get her lesbian on.

    I may have misunderstood her question.

  14. YOU are absolutely crazy. CanNOT wait to meet you.

    I think you might save my sanity..


  15. Oh, Suni, this was perfect!

    I really think we need to get a Klout category for cuntface, because, as of right now, I can't think of a single person who would be more influential.


Every time you comment, I get a lady boner.