Monday, September 26, 2011

Back to the future

I went to the doctor last week about the wreck that is my back.  My doctor, who I love, took 45 minutes to see me [this is normal] which gave me time to continue reading The Magnificent Ambersons [RIFFRAFF!] and think about the fact that when I go to bed my back feels like the muscles are twisted like snakes.

Fun!

Anyway, my doctor thought it was hilarious that I was like a puppet and when she touched parts of my back I'd twitch and squirm.

Huh, she sounds kind of evil, but I swear, she's not.  Except for the waiting.  And the poking of sensitive back parts.  Maybe I have Stockholm Syndrome.  Eh, whatever.

The upshot is that my back is a mess [thank you, modern science, for being so technical] my right hip is up higher than my left, probably to compensate for having messed something up [and also to increase my evidently inevitable slide into becoming the town bell ringer] and she really like my pants.

Also, I get to go to physical therapy twice a week. 

The first time I went, it was so many kinds of awesome.  My back was in such pain when she had me move that the physical therapist, whom I'll call Gail, because I don't actually remember her name, just attached a bunch of electrodes to my back to stimulate the muscles and reduce the inflammation and pain and then I got to lay down on a giant heating pad for 20 minutes while tiny electric stimulations massaged me.  It was fucking awesome.  I even read an old US Weekly [we're almost like People!] that was there, because I forgot The Magnificent Ambersons, and realized that I have no idea who anyone is.  I also had to really, really, really disinfect and wash my hands after handling a magazine that had been touched by who knew what kind of nose pickers and germ carriers.  Gail warned me that my back might hurt a bit more because of the moving she'd had me do.  I waved her concerns off and had a great couple of days.

I was really looking forward to the second go round.

Which sucked.  I actually had to do exercises and she stretched my legs and back before I got to be simulated and heat pad-ed. 

The next day my back hurt like a motherfucker.

I have to go back, but I'm not looking forward to it.  Not even a little bit.

Well, maybe that last 20 minutes.  I wonder if I can get one of those giant heating pads for my house.

19 comments:

  1. OMG - those heating pads are the shit!!

    I'm a squirmy one - people think it's hilarious; I do not.

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  2. Not only the heating pads, but the pillows. They have the best pillows. Hope you feel better soon.

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  3. it's too bad modern science hasn't figured out how to do a back transplant.

    also, i can't imagine what they did in the days of yore... their backs must have been colossally fucked. hardcore labor all day then sleeping on hay or dirt floors.

    technology has evolved - why haven't our backs?

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  4. You need to jump in a delorean kick it up to 88 mph and go to the future for a better cure..haha

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  5. Back stuff is the worst!!! That electrical stimulation thing sounds cool.

    When you go back and read more gossip mags will you please find out who Demi Lovato is for me. She's in every one of those damn magazines but for the life of me I have no idea where the hell she came from????

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  6. My back goes through stages of being a bastard. It will be fine for a few months and then really fucked up for a few months. But I remember that awesome heating pad thinger that my Chiro had. Loved it!

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  7. This reminds me, I need a massage.

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  8. This scares me.

    I am so scared I'm going to be one of those crookedy walking old people.

    I see the future like that.

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  9. Ooooh. This happened to me once when I had tendinitis (the heat and electrode thing...the exercise thing sounds just awful.)

    Feel better!

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  10. We've been repainting and reflooring the kids' rooms (and by me I mean my Dad) and my husband's been away, which leaves me to help move the furniture. I got real close and personal with those electrodes today. My spine can suck it.

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  11. I've done p.t. For my hip. It tended to make it worse since it turns out mine is a weirdly, okay, slightly deformed bone issue. The weird bone rubs strangely on my hip cartilage and is prematurely wearing it down. Wish I could sue someone about. I digress---anyway LOVED LOVED LOVED the electrodes, everything else I found dumb. But I wish I could have a home version electrode thingee! I hope your back responds favorably to the p.t., it seems to really help some people! Take care!!! : )

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  12. Ohhh - I had those electrithingies on my back once when a chiropractor hobbled me (accidentally...or so she says). Sending you sweet loving lumbar vibes, baby!

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  13. My back is a mess too, but I don't go to the dr..who the hell has time for that shit? I take a motrin,,,,I'm much rather that awesome heating pad and a nap! Feel better Sunny! Xo

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  14. I spent over a year in PT for my elbow. I had PTSD from the fall I took . . . and from the damn hand-cycle that I had to do. That thing was evil.

    I hope the PT works for your back - I can't imagine the kind of pain you must be in day in/day out.

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  15. I had a skinhead physical therapist. He was very nice. Kinda scary lookin though.

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  16. Oh, I know how you feel. I have back crap too, and whe I go there she is luck that my back doesn't spaz my back to punch her...(I've thought about it), but never the less, you will get stronger and then it won't be so bad. Promise!

    Lynn

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  17. I'm catching up on my blog reading....

    Once a long time ago, I threw out my neck and my roommate's good friend was a chiropractor so I went to him and he put those cool electrode stimulating thingys on my back and neck, all surrounded by a giant warm heating pad wrapped in towels. It was almost like a freaking spa....he was the only chiropractor I ever trusted. So I totally get what you are saying.

    I hope your back is better. Back pain sucks.

    You know what else sucks? A little corn that you somehow manage to get on your left baby toe (why is it called a baby toe? and other than baby and big toes, do other toes have names?) that for some reason consistently becomes painful at 5:30 a.m. for no fucking apparent reason other than to wake you up even earlier than you freakin have to be.

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  18. Heating pads a re all godo and well but what you really need is the good drugs like Vicodin. THAT makes back pain go away. If course, then you have addiction issues but you're an anxious person so you won't let that happen. Right?

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Every time you comment, I get a lady boner.