Tuesday, September 27, 2011

GUEST POST: Us Weekly Says It's a Good Deal so It Must be a Good Deal!

As I've noted, Tuesdays are the day when my wonderful blogging friends use this space to let loose.  There are no rules, not even that one rule about not talking about Fight Club.

Do you know Tonya? Perhaps you recall her biting genius from AdHoc Mom? Or maybe you've fought with her over who gets Eminem as their husband? [That would be a timeshare situation between the two of us.]  Or perhaps you've gotten excellent advice on your work situation from her at The Mouthy Housewives? Or perhaps you know her now from her genius blog Going to Mensa where she talks about family vacations and going back to school and the simple steps to being rich.  Wherever you've seen her, you know that she is fucking BADASS.  Truly.  She makes the internet a saucier place.

You also need to follow her on Twitter. Today!

But first, this:


When The Suniverse asked me if I would do a guest post I was all “ HELL to the YES!!!!” but then I had a panic attack because, really, who but The Suniverse herself can rail against something so cogently while being simultaneously hi-lar-i-ous!  So I decided I just needed to find the right thing that just really pissed me off. I found a lot. Apparently, I’m a fairly angry person or there are a lot of stupid people in the world and they all live in my neighborhood. Really, it’s anyone’s guess.

Yesterday, though, I picked up a copy of US Weekly and, at first, thought I had lucked out because it was The Style Guide! And I totally need that since I just found out that the goth look is out and the hippie look is hot and the I-haven’t-showered-since last-Tuesday-and-has-anyone-seen-my-bra look was never actually “in”. Us Weekly even said it would provide me with a Splurge/Save section because of course we can’t all afford to spend $765 on a pair of red pants like Whitney Port (btw, who the hell is Whitney Port?) so there is a cheaper version for the little people like us! Yay! And those are only $50 and you can pair them with a great necklace similar to one that’s $448 but this one is only $145! And then add the blouse that was $230 but has a twin available for $60 and the shoes that were $395 but will cost you only $55 and, finally, the purse that most celebs buy at $1450 but can be gotten at a steal price of $218! So now this awesome outfit only costs $528! Uhhhh, say what now? $528? That’s a savings?

Then, because Us Weekly cares so much about us non-celeb folk, they have a section where they ask celebrities for clothing suggestions. I was pretty positive this would prove very helpful. Because, really, if anyone is going to help me out of my Target sweatshirt/sweatpant slump it’s going to be Demi Lovato! And, hey, how nice, Zooey Descanel suggests I buy some pleated shorts that only cost $402 while Kelly Rowland really likes the new Celine tote for a mere $1600 and, of course, if anyone’s going to convince me that I need a $220 pair of paisley, high waited, bell-bottomed jeans it’s most certainly going to be AnnaLynne McCord!

So now I have to get another credit card. Also, I may not be able to pay my phone bill. Or take my kid to the dentist. (He’s fine. It’s only teeth. Plus can’t they just replace them these days? Or grow new ones or something? Maybe I can model him a few out of clay?) I do know I will look awesome in my teeny tiny sweater that only covers one boob and was $600 and my not too practical $300 skinny jeans with those totally-wear-with-what-exactly bright blue, 8 inch heel boots that cost $328. 


  1. Thank you Suniverse for letting me squat here!!! I feel so honored to be guesting on one of my Most Favorite Blogs Ever!!!! Your genius is not to be equaled but hopefully I won't make your loyal readers run for the hills!!

    Wait. Time share for Marshall? Did I agree to that? Was I drunk?

  2. This is hysterical and completely true! I have had many of these same thoughts. The only redeeming quality is when the comedians make fun of the celebs' clothes at the end.

  3. Well, you've gone and peeled that scab so I might as well just bleed all over the comments section. I have in my possession the fall fashion guide published by In Style magazine. (It was a freebie.) Useless, all 700 pages of it. Every time I page through it for inspiration and ideas I really want to throw it at the wall. The endless parade of aluminum foil skinny jeans, plastic wrap shrugs, complemented by pink hair and orange eye shadow all for mere thousands of dollars convinces me that I am being duped by the fashion and advertising industries. Really? It will look great on my 5'3" 140 pound frame? Really? Your words are my thoughts exactly.

  4. I can't be nice.

    I want Marshall too much.

    Also, what is UP with you, Tonya?

    have you not seen you're married to George Clooney?

    You just want it all, is that it?


    Married to Gregory Peck

  5. My entire wardrobe probably has a value of less than $528. I can only imagine what kind of nonsense my kids would be able to smear on a pair of $300 jeans. Then I'd have to pay for boarding school or prison or whatever would come after that...

  6. @Natasha: I agree. How does one go about getting that gig. I could totally make fun of celebs clothes!

    @MiddleState/MomZombie: I know the clothes they suggest are completely ridiculous. If I wore half the shit the profiled I be arrested for prostitution. And things would most certainly be hanging out in all the WRONG places!

    @The Empress: Yes, I want it all. Is it too much to ask to want Eminem too and to have cook and clean as well? I think not.

    @Julie: I know right! What the hell am I going to do with a pair of $400 shorts?? Not to mention, usually the higher the price tag the more pain in the ass it is to get clean. Precisely why I'm in Old Navy sweat pants right now!

  7. celebrities and their sycophants are what's wrong with everything. people suck exponentially because they're busy trying to force themselves into these impossible images of pretend people.

    US Weekly - a magazine that specifically separates us and them? no thanks.

    and come on, pleated shorts!!!

    if zooey had any sense - at all - she'd know pleats only make the hips look wider.

    p.s. great guest post!

  8. I find cheap substitutes for looks I like all the time. H&M, Target, & TJ Maxx are really good places to look.

    I read US on my nook. When I got it they didn't have People. Now People is available, I'm justtoo lazy.

  9. No, really.

    Who the hell is Whitney Port?

  10. I LOVE Tonya! Hooray for her snarkiness!

    Thanks so much for posting! XOXOXOXOXO

    PS Marshall says hi. WE DO SO HAVE A TIME SHARE!

  11. I hate the stars. They make me want to kark all over the stupid celeb mags they're in all the time.

    I really enjoyed this post--especially because it pointed out the real world vs the retarded world of the overpaid celeb.

  12. Yep, so in other words you need to sell an organ in order to purchase a few outfits suggested by US Weekly... love it

  13. I love Tonya, not going to lie. It's because she's so angry - just like me. Anger is the new black, T, and it's not pleated and covers both boobs. HOORAY! Hilarious as always.

  14. I love when you introduce us to new people..well new to me. I love a giggle this early in the morning. I can't compete with the stars....but pffftt...who needs a $1200 purse anyway?

    You can all have Marshall....but Pierce is mine...no one fights me for him ;)

    Nice to meet you Tonya. :)

  15. T - I bought my last pair of pants at a store where you can also buy a turkey and oven mitts and pita bread (no, not Walmart...think less fancy). What I'm saying is, I feel your pain, and I look not so great doing it...

  16. shit, how did i get bumped from the Em time share? i got booty AND my eyebrows are not drawn in. huh.

    what you wrote is the exact reason why i stopped subscribing to stupid IN STYLE.

  17. Who IS Whitney Port?
    Because I have an inquiring mind, I Googled her and these words popped out at me:

    -born 1985 (too young to remember the 80s)
    -American television personality (not on Disney, Nickelodeon, or TNT, apparently)
    -star of MTV's "The Hills" (that explains it the tv personality thing)
    -author of True Whit: Designing a Life of Style, Beauty, and Fun (seriously? with these credentials, how could she NOT be an author?)

    So I just met her and I already don't like her.

  18. The older I get, the more ridiculous I find celebrities. Truly.

    And only AnnaLynne McCord could pull off paisely, high-waisted, bell-bottomed jeans.

  19. who is whitney port...and annalynne mccord? And for that matter, audrina partridge, demi lovato, lauren conrad, and that girl who had all the plastic surgery. I mean, she's the girl who had all that plastic surgery but what's her name? What have any of them done that they are carting around 700$ handbags? For that matter, why would anyone WANT a $700 handbag? Isn't it that much more of a bummer when you find kiddie detritus-- granola bar crumbles,the spitty dregs of a juice box, a random fruit strip, a few very important rocks--in your $700 bag rather than your canvas I support NPR tote bag?

  20. It's ridiculous to spend $1450 on a purse! I'm saving up to buy a wife, after all.


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