As I've noted, Tuesdays are the day when my wonderful blogging friends use this space to let loose. There are no rules, not even that one rule about not talking about Fight Club.
Do you know Tonya? Perhaps you recall her biting genius from AdHoc Mom? Or maybe you've fought with her over who gets Eminem as their husband? [That would be a timeshare situation between the two of us.] Or perhaps you've gotten excellent advice on your work situation from her at The Mouthy Housewives? Or perhaps you know her now from her genius blog Going to Mensa where she talks about family vacations and going back to school and the simple steps to being rich. Wherever you've seen her, you know that she is fucking BADASS. Truly. She makes the internet a saucier place.
You also need to follow her on Twitter. Today!
But first, this:
When The Suniverse asked me if I would do a guest post I was all “ HELL to the YES!!!!” but then I had a panic attack because, really, who but The Suniverse herself can rail against something so cogently while being simultaneously hi-lar-i-ous! So I decided I just needed to find the right thing that just really pissed me off. I found a lot. Apparently, I’m a fairly angry person or there are a lot of stupid people in the world and they all live in my neighborhood. Really, it’s anyone’s guess.
Yesterday, though, I picked up a copy of US Weekly and, at first, thought I had lucked out because it was The Style Guide! And I totally need that since I just found out that the goth look is out and the hippie look is hot and the I-haven’t-showered-since last-Tuesday-and-has-anyone-
seen-my-bra look was never actually “in”. Us Weekly even said it would provide me with a Splurge/Save section because of course we can’t all afford to spend $765 on a pair of red pants like Whitney Port (btw, who the hell is Whitney Port?) so there is a cheaper version for the little people like us! Yay! And those are only $50 and you can pair them with a great necklace similar to one that’s $448 but this one is only $145! And then add the blouse that was $230 but has a twin available for $60 and the shoes that were $395 but will cost you only $55 and, finally, the purse that most celebs buy at $1450 but can be gotten at a steal price of $218! So now this awesome outfit only costs $528! Uhhhh, say what now? $528? That’s a savings?
Then, because Us Weekly cares so much about us non-celeb folk, they have a section where they ask celebrities for clothing suggestions. I was pretty positive this would prove very helpful. Because, really, if anyone is going to help me out of my Target sweatshirt/sweatpant slump it’s going to be Demi Lovato! And, hey, how nice, Zooey Descanel suggests I buy some pleated shorts that only cost $402 while Kelly Rowland really likes the new Celine tote for a mere $1600 and, of course, if anyone’s going to convince me that I need a $220 pair of paisley, high waited, bell-bottomed jeans it’s most certainly going to be AnnaLynne McCord!
So now I have to get another credit card. Also, I may not be able to pay my phone bill. Or take my kid to the dentist. (He’s fine. It’s only teeth. Plus can’t they just replace them these days? Or grow new ones or something? Maybe I can model him a few out of clay?) I do know I will look awesome in my teeny tiny sweater that only covers one boob and was $600 and my not too practical $300 skinny jeans with those totally-wear-with-what-exactly bright blue, 8 inch heel boots that cost $328.