Thursday, September 22, 2011

Wanted - My Soul Mate

OTF* frantically searching for that special someone to complete me.  Must love to cook, clean, drive and listen to me talk incessantly about Tina Fey and 30 Rock.  Sex is optional.  I mean, it's fine, but you're going to have to do all the work. 

Must also enjoy listen to me prattle on about people you don't know about, and do so while you are cleaning and then I'll point out where you missed a spot and you should smile and dig deeper, and, actually, never mind, I need you to be able to just know where you need to add that extra elbow grease and make sure it's all clean and good and could you also add freshly laundered sheets to the equation? That'd be great.  Also, don't look me in the eye. 

I like fresh salads and fruit, but am lazy about prepping, so could you make me a nice salad? But don't cut the cucumbers that way, please.  And make sure none of the strawberries have those soft spots.  Those are disgusting.

Wine drinkers o.k. - actually you should probably be drunk [unless you're driving me somewhere] because otherwise I think you'd lose your mind.  

It is NOT o.k. to contact this poster about stuff I don't care about.




*Overly Tired Female
Posted by at

28 comments:

  1. Lady EstrogenSeptember 22, 2011 at 9:04 AM

    Haahahaha. Gawd, I love your honesty.
    I wonder what would happen if that went up on a dating site - fab!
    x

    ReplyDelete
  2. KirSeptember 22, 2011 at 9:10 AM

    this was just perfect...and I'm just cracking up.
    You complete ME...I swear I'd made that salad and clean if you'd keep me giggling all day :)

    FABU!

    ReplyDelete
  3. DianeSeptember 22, 2011 at 9:34 AM

    Hilarious! I met my now husband through online dating and I was just imagining how it would go if everyone was really this honest in their profiles!

    Nobody would ever hook up!

    ReplyDelete
  4. UnknownSeptember 22, 2011 at 10:30 AM

    Dear Sir/Madam,

    I am writing to apply for the position of Soul Mate, as currently advertised on Your Blog.

    While I have very limited experience in this field, I am a very quick leaner and believe that my skills in the following areas may make me a suitable candidate:

    * Dancing around the kitchen like a spaz while singing along to terrible 80s music
    * Throwing things at the tv while yelling at reporters and politicians
    * Snide comments, sarcasm and oversensitivity
    * General political incorrectness
    * Superior creative profanity ability (examples available on request)

    In addition, I have recently completed a Post Graduate Diploma in cucumber slicing.

    I am available for an interview at your convenience and look forward to hearing from you at your earliest convenience.

    Yours sincerely,

    Sarah xxx

    ReplyDelete
  5. SherilinRSeptember 22, 2011 at 10:38 AM

    i love your dating profile. there might be some general hesitation at first, but someone would find it endearing & maybe give you a call. mine would read much the same way (particularly the sex part) if i was honestly looking for a partner.
    i also love sarah's letter of intent, especially the part where she starts it out "dear sir/madam".

    ReplyDelete
  6. KaraSeptember 22, 2011 at 12:04 PM

    hahaha! Gotta love your honesty!

    ReplyDelete
  7. MrsJenBSeptember 22, 2011 at 12:25 PM

    Ahhhhh you're like a spring rain, a cool breeze, a long hot shower. So refreshing.

    ReplyDelete
  8. karensomethingorotherSeptember 22, 2011 at 1:45 PM

    wonderful, simply wonderful. I was just thinking how technically un-dateable I am now, despite being married. Sorry, husband.

    ReplyDelete
  9. AnonymousSeptember 22, 2011 at 4:13 PM

    if you get multiple responses to this, would you mind giving me a heads-up? i could use one of these in my life...

    ReplyDelete
  10. FlannerySeptember 22, 2011 at 5:37 PM

    That is just awesome! I will happily take your rejects, that didn't quite make the cut, because I really need someone to do some cleaning around this place. Geesh, it's like a pack of wolves live here.

    ReplyDelete
  11. SimoneSeptember 22, 2011 at 7:04 PM

    Can I post this to craigslist under my name?

    ReplyDelete
  12. Lori DyanSeptember 23, 2011 at 5:04 AM

    I saw this title and my first thought was: "Doesn't she know it's me?" Then I read the part about cleaning. Good luck on the search...

    ReplyDelete
  13. KiddothingsSeptember 23, 2011 at 7:55 AM

    OTF - I understand now why sex is optional. Good luck on finding your soul mate ;)

    ReplyDelete
  14. JulieSeptember 23, 2011 at 8:56 AM

    "Also don't look me in the eye..."

    That says it all.

    (Fabulously.)

    ReplyDelete
  15. AmandaSeptember 23, 2011 at 9:29 AM

    oh the soft spots on strawberries are gross... they sometimes have the first sight of mold. ugh.

    ReplyDelete
  16. angelaSeptember 23, 2011 at 9:34 AM

    These are the kind of things people should actually post.

    I love the driving part. If I had millions and billions of dollars, I would so have a driver.

    ReplyDelete
  17. christinaSeptember 23, 2011 at 9:52 AM

    freaking hilarious!!

    ReplyDelete
  18. JohnSeptember 23, 2011 at 10:27 AM

    Silly little giggles...

    I thought the prompt was to write about a character that you're writing - not yourself :-p

    ReplyDelete
  19. Meg at the Members LoungeSeptember 23, 2011 at 12:46 PM

    That is hilarious. I'm so glad you don't like long walks on the beach!

    ReplyDelete
  20. CameronSeptember 23, 2011 at 3:14 PM

    Giggle. Also? Brava!

    ReplyDelete
  21. Jen Has A PenSeptember 23, 2011 at 4:27 PM

    Happening upon a soft spot on a strawberry pisses me off. It almosts ruins strawberries for me for life - EVERY TIME (until I forget about it, of course). If I saw personal ads like this (in my single days of course! Gah, who do you take me for?!?!?) I would TOTALLY fall in love. Honesty makes me giddy.

    ReplyDelete
  22. CherylSeptember 23, 2011 at 7:48 PM

    Hysterical! Love the part about sex, and the salad.. This is perfection.

    ReplyDelete
  23. UnknownSeptember 24, 2011 at 1:28 AM

    Wow, I think you should really speak your mind more and say what you actually want. haha

    ReplyDelete
  24. LanitaSeptember 24, 2011 at 6:31 PM

    Wouldn't a housekeeper do?

    ReplyDelete
  25. jillsmoSeptember 25, 2011 at 12:08 AM

    Hey, so, um... I'm drunk..... I know you care about that

    ReplyDelete
  26. GrandeMochaSeptember 25, 2011 at 11:07 AM

    You could take out the sex & call it a job posting. Or leave it & be like Arnold.

    ReplyDelete
  27. AlexandraSeptember 26, 2011 at 12:13 AM

    You have such trouble with honesty, Sunny.

    *snort*

    ReplyDelete
  28. alonewithcatsSeptember 30, 2011 at 1:42 AM

    I wish I would have come across an ad like this when I was online dating. Most people just like long walks on the beach and sunsets. Which requires being out in nature, so no thank you.

    ReplyDelete

Every time you comment, I get a lady boner.

Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom)