Wednesday, September 21, 2011

People Who Are Assholes - Costco Gas Station Edition

Do you belong to Costco?

We do, even though we are only three people - right now, two people.  Mostly because I enjoy cleaning products and an Everest-style supply of toilet paper [although now that I'm working outside the home, our supply of toilet paper is not dwindling as quickly as usual.  Not sure what that means.], but also because I find it necessary to balance the 6 packs of giant chocolate chip muffins with 6 packs of romaine lettuce.

Anyway, as you may know if you are a Costco member, you can get gas for a bit cheaper than other stations.  That's a bonus during these tough economic times.  Also, for some reason, sometimes the Costco gas station near my house smells like cinnamon rolls.  It did today, anyway.  I'm all about good smells.

The problem is the clusterfuck that is people lining up for gas.  I'm not sure how, but good old-fashioned gas guzzling Americans who have obviously queued up for gas before at some point suddenly start milling around in their CARS like they live in old Soviet Bloc countries and have nothing but time to jam up and sit around.

Seriously.  It's insane. 

It seems a simple enough proposition - pick a line for the set of pumps you'd like to spend your hard earned money in and wait until the line moves and you get to stand around smelling cinnamon rolls.


Except that people can't seem to maneuver to the right pump.  Sometimes because they are terrible drivers.  Other times because someone is STANDING IN THE WAY.  How far do you have to be from your car when you are pumping gas?  How do you not notice 2 tons of steel coming at you?

And the worst part is that if you err in choosing your line? YOU ARE STUCK THERE FOREVER because people suddenly decide to wedge you in and you are STUCK STUCK STUCK waiting for grandpa to realize that the pump has stopped and it's time to get his receipt and OH MY GOD, GOOOOO!!!!

What's wrong with people that doing something for themselves turns them into shuffling zombies? 

Aren't there some states where people will pump gas for you?

I want to go to there.


  1. Went to a gas station up north where they pumped for you. It was a little unnerving. I couldnt recall if I was supposed to tip.

  2. There IS a magical land where they pump your gas for you. It's called New Jersey and trust me, you don't want to come here.

  3. Agreed, but I will call your gas station assholes and raise with the sample hound assholes. I get that Costco has great samples, but please do not ram into my child's leg, especially when said leg is in the seat of the cart, to get a pizza roll.

    Or the time I had to ask someone to get up so I could get a bag of flour and he mumbled, "Can't you see I'm eating?"

  4. Or you get the people that sneak in from the wrong side even though you have been back there waiting for forever! totally just wanted to ram into that guy when he did it to me.

  5. I second the fact that the sample tables are utter madness. The freaking adults are worse than the kids. I love when the 45 year old man swoops in and grabs the last ravioli right as my kid makes his way up to the front of the line. Classy.

    What is it about samples of free, albeit delicious, food that makes grown men act like animals?

    In regard to the gas, I never go there. Mostly because I am always living on the edge with my gas. And by the edge, I mean fumes. I would seriously run out before I made it through that line. I fear the mob might turn on me.

  6. Little old ladies! The are the bane of line-ups everywhere, always the ones who either butt ahead or slow things down.

    - that's my rant for the day.

  7. I the only one who's mystified by the fact that Costco provides gas? Ontario is so far behind! I still have to deal with those douche-canoes at the regular pumps though, so it's still totally relatable. The slow people are bad, but the sneaky buggers who steal the spot you've been waiting for FOREVER are the worst. There should be some gas-moderator to control these people. This might be my new full-time job.

  8. Sometimes it is worth paying a bit more for your petrol (gas to you - although that always makes me think that some one has farted), rather than spend an hour waiting in line.

    I also know people who drive miles out of their way just save a few pennies (Cents to you). Which probably means they use up more fuel than they save...

    Still it does sound like you get real entertainment people watching, so it probablyis worth the wait....

  9. i think the money saved at a lot of gas stations is wasted by how long you sit in line or how far you drive out of your way to get it.

  10. This is precisely why I should be a vampire and allowed to feed on stupid people. The world would be a much better place.

  11. There's something about Costco, specifically, that turns people into complete assholes, suddenly unaware that they occupy the world with other people. I don't know what it is but a long time ago I promised myself that the NEXT person who just stopped short in front of me to make a phone call would get fucking RAMMED in the ass with my cart.

    Yeah, I've never actually done that, though, because instincts always kick in just in time to prevent said ramming. ONE day, though. One day....

  12. It's the law for someone to pump your gas for you in New Jersey. Plus, it's cheaper there than where I live.
    Then again, it's New Jersey.
    Funny sign I saw crossing the state line into Virginia (I am NOT kidding about this): "We Pump It For You."
    Now, THAT'S what I call Southern hospitality.

  13. people are the worst.
    especially those looking for a bargain.


    except you.

  14. I hate the guy (or gal - but what word is worse than gal? none. besides maybe vagina) who is in a lane with two or three pumps but doesn't pull all the way up.

    So you can't get your car to the empty pump(s) because his or her car is too far back.

    I want to rear-end that guy (or gal) and not in a good way. (Is there a good way?)

  15. Here's the thing: up here in the land of poutine, our Costcos don't even offer gas! Or booze! Talk about communist-era living...

    There? Don't you feel better now? (And yes, we still have assholes, but they're behind carts, not cars, and they're treating the samples lady like a personal bus stop.)

  16. This is the trouble with Costco. There are people there.

  17. You can't be trusted to get out of your car and pump your own gas in Oregon, either. Which isn't all bad because it's probably raining anyway.

  18. The states where people pump gas for you are Oregon and NJ. I love Oregon, and would really consider moving there. I grew up in NJ . . . there, um, you'd find that you need to find additional vulgarity beyond "cuntface," because that could describe way too many people in the state.

    Now I want a cinnamon bun.

  19. You know what also sucks? I have to walk through 2 gas stations between the train and my office. Talk about danger. People just don't give a shit. They lose all sense when they roll up on those gas pumps.

    For what it's worth, having your gas pumped for you sucks a big one as well. Especially when you have to sit there and wait for the pump jockey to get his head out of his ass and help you. ESPECIALLY when you're in a hurry and could have done it, like, 5 times by the time he does it once.

  20. By a plug in. I've driven 4000+ miles & used 12.4 gallons of gas in my Volt.


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