Tuesday, December 6, 2011

I was remiss. And now I am Miss Thing. Is that still a thing?

You know how I'm always on top of stuff? And by that, I mean I'm always fucking up and not doing things right? Well, here's another example:

On November 6th [remember November? REMEMBER WHEN YOU HAD OODLES OF TIME TO GET YOUR HOLIDAY CRAZINESS TAKEN CARE OF?], the lovely Alyssa of Adventures in Alyssaland was kind enough to give me a Kreativ Blogger Award.

That's this, here:
This is way too fancy for my dive-y blog, but I'm keeping it.

It's evidently an award given to people who have no space/time skills and can't figure out how to stay up-to-date on stuff.  Or something a really funny, smart person gives to . . . me, who then falls down on the job.

Anyway, part of the award ceremony - besides the whole red carpet rigamarole [Spanx? Is like an iron coffin, people.] - is that I have to share some tidbits about myself.  Well, we all know how much I love talking about myself, because duh, self-involved. So I'm going to share with you the end of my day yesterday that perfectly encapsulates my life:

Yesterday, I worked [like a sucker] and then drove in the snowy traffic to the gym to work out [like a fool].  I spent, no kidding 4 minutes circling the parking lot trying to find a close spot because it was cold and that wet, rainy / snow mixture that sucks ass was pelting everyone who was dumb enough to be outside. I, of course, could not find a decent spot, but it seemed that every yahoo who pulled in after me found a close spot.  I hated them all. I still do.

Anyway, I trek to the gym go in to the locker room and go to change and suddenly realize that I have to pee RIGHT THAT SECOND so I stomp on my tennis shoes and shuffle into the bathroom area and wonder if I'm going to pee my pants and if I do, does that mean I get to go home. But I make it and then I finish changing and then I go to work out with what seems like every retiree in my city.


Also, there was an old lady who was wearing a holiday themed turtle neck and giant fleece sweatshirt while working out.  How cold could she possibly be? I was having heat stroke just watching her.

Since all the machines I liked to use were covered in pensioners, I had to do the elliptical thing the whole time, which is so boring I think time went backward.

And then I drove home only to realize that it was garbage day and while I would generally make the husband bring in the cans and the recycling bin, I was feeling generous [especially since he hasn't had a day off in . . . I think . . . I don't know.  A month?] so I go to get the cans and bin and I grab the upside down bin handle only to find that it was FULL of icy recycling bin water/snow and I yelled, "GODDAMMIT CHARLIE!"* which is my new phrase to say when things are annoying. 

Like when, later that night, I was doing the dishes and SPLASHED DISGUSTING DIRTY DISH WATER ON MY FACE.

Also, I need someone to come and do Charlie Work** at my house.

Goddammit Charlie, indeed.


*Goddammit Charlie is what Dee et al say on It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, which, if you haven't watched this show, start at the beginning and be prepared to die of laughing your fool head off.  Also, in the spirit of the holidays, watch the Christmas special, which we are going to do in a double feature with Bad Santa as a holiday tradition.  It's that awesome.

** Charlie Work is the name for the disgusting jobs no one wants to do, like clean the toilet or kill rats or deal with garbage cans***.

*** I also, anytime anything gross happens, think, "Eeeewww, garbage water!" like Homer does on The Simpsons.

Evidently my life right now is ruled by television.  Let's be friends.

I think Alyssa may be regretting this.


  1. True story - I NEVER take the garbage out because rats are plotting to scurry out of the dark shadows and attack me.

    I'm not kidding this actually happened.

    Also, I hate people in my gym so much that I've simply stopped going. This decision has cost me £200 I don't have.

  2. I am not sure what to make of blog awards. I received one last week and didn't post it on my blog because 1)I couldn't remember how and 2)it didn't feel right. I wandered over to the woman's blog who left me the award and thanked her for it, but told her I wasn't going to post it. I really appreciated it and I hope I didn't offend her. I am not sure how to handle these awards.........

  3. It is all perfect.

    I had an equally annoying day yesterday.


    And your garbage story inspired me.

  4. Next time I'm cleaning the toilet and splash toilet water on myself I know what to say.

  5. what the hell gym do you go to? who the hell wears holiday-themed turtlenecks? ever...

  6. The only things old people should be doing at 5:30 pm is unregistering to vote and surrendering their driver's licenses.

  7. I love Bad Santa.

    I really think the retired, near me, wait until I'm about to head to the gym to go there. Honestly, if I go over lunch, the gym is filled with old people. If I go after work, the gym is filled with old people.

    Yet, if I talk to the people at the front desk, I always hear "it was quiet until just a little while ago."

    The only time I actually have an empty gym is when I go in the early morning, and that's for suckers.

  8. "Always Sunny" is hysterical.

    Bill and I used to watch it when we KNEW the kids wouldn't come into the room. We're almost as careful when we get naked but not quite.

    Then we found out our friends showed the entire series to their kids (who are 9, 11 and 14) so now we feel like assholes.

    Or smart.

    And maybe we need to get new friends.

    Goddammit, Charlie!

    p.s. I think my mom was the lady in the turtleneck and fleece. It just sounds like something she'd do. And to answer to your question: Extremely f'ing cold. Always.

  9. I'm always looking for a new show to rule my life. I will be careful not to adopt the "Goddammit Charlie" or Hank will think he has a brother.

  10. I started watching Sunny when it first premiered and then I think I got distracted. Or met Rob. Or was distracted by meeting Rob. Either way.

    Anyway, what is with old people at the gym? They don't even need to work out and look hot anymore. What's the point???

  11. You know those old people will also be at the grocery store the same time as you, blocking the aisles. At which point will have to start navigating the store from left to right to avoid them.

  12. I don't know this show. It's making me think of "Sunny with a Chance" though which is also a show I don't know. I'm guessing they are two very different shows.
    Also, that is one snazzy award, lady.

  13. OK, going to put It's Always Sunny on the Netflix queue.

  14. I work at night, and I'm pretty sure the staffers at my gym think I have a trust fund, and that's why I work out in the middle of the day with the retirees. Or maybe they think I'm a crack head. Either way, I give the impression of extreme wealth or extreme addition. Makes me seem more interesting.

  15. I love your award colors. Maybe if it had swearing in it you would have put it up immediately.

  16. Wouldn't it be fun to just sit and Sunny together, Sunny?

    And slap our thighs..and I mean that in a non sexual non blogsbian way.

    Just good hearted old timey fun.


  17. Damn. You're almost as fucked up as me. Let's be besties. Forever and ever and ever, until you piss me off. Or get thinner than me (You are fat, aren't you? Please say yes...)
    Where was I? Oh yeah. You know what you need? (which is the BEST way to start a sentence you don't want people to hear, just ask my mom) You need a big fucked up autoimmune disorder. Then, you can sit on the couch while other people deal with the garbage. And, those same people will still feel bad for you, even if they are covered in garbage water, and they won't mind bringing you chocolate. Which *might* be why I'm fat.

  18. I'm impressed you got in the gym. I would have given up at "wet, rainy/snow mixture that sucks ass," for sure.

    But perhaps that stick-to-it-ness (and ability to refrain from what are assuredly homicidal tendencies) is what brings home the awards.

    You make me laugh every time....


Every time you comment, I get a lady boner.