On November 6th [remember November? REMEMBER WHEN YOU HAD OODLES OF TIME TO GET YOUR HOLIDAY CRAZINESS TAKEN CARE OF?], the lovely Alyssa of Adventures in Alyssaland was kind enough to give me a Kreativ Blogger Award.
That's this, here:
|This is way too fancy for my dive-y blog, but I'm keeping it.|
It's evidently an award given to people who have no space/time skills and can't figure out how to stay up-to-date on stuff. Or something a really funny, smart person gives to . . . me, who then falls down on the job.
Anyway, part of the award ceremony - besides the whole red carpet rigamarole [Spanx? Is like an iron coffin, people.] - is that I have to share some tidbits about myself. Well, we all know how much I love talking about myself, because duh, self-involved. So I'm going to share with you the end of my day yesterday that perfectly encapsulates my life:
Yesterday, I worked [like a sucker] and then drove in the snowy traffic to the gym to work out [like a fool]. I spent, no kidding 4 minutes circling the parking lot trying to find a close spot because it was cold and that wet, rainy / snow mixture that sucks ass was pelting everyone who was dumb enough to be outside. I, of course, could not find a decent spot, but it seemed that every yahoo who pulled in after me found a close spot. I hated them all. I still do.
Anyway, I trek to the gym go in to the locker room and go to change and suddenly realize that I have to pee RIGHT THAT SECOND so I stomp on my tennis shoes and shuffle into the bathroom area and wonder if I'm going to pee my pants and if I do, does that mean I get to go home. But I make it and then I finish changing and then I go to work out with what seems like every retiree in my city.
PEOPLE! If you are retired THERE IS NO FUCKING REASON FOR YOU TO BE AT THE GYM AT 5:30PM WHEN PEOPLE WHO WORK ARE GOING TO BE THERE. GO HOME AND EAT YOUR SOUP AND WATCH THE NEWS AND OH MY GOD, WIPE YOUR OLD PERSON MESS OFF THE MACHINE!!
Also, there was an old lady who was wearing a holiday themed turtle neck and giant fleece sweatshirt while working out. How cold could she possibly be? I was having heat stroke just watching her.
Since all the machines I liked to use were covered in pensioners, I had to do the elliptical thing the whole time, which is so boring I think time went backward.
And then I drove home only to realize that it was garbage day and while I would generally make the husband bring in the cans and the recycling bin, I was feeling generous [especially since he hasn't had a day off in . . . I think . . . I don't know. A month?] so I go to get the cans and bin and I grab the upside down bin handle only to find that it was FULL of icy recycling bin water/snow and I yelled, "GODDAMMIT CHARLIE!"* which is my new phrase to say when things are annoying.
Like when, later that night, I was doing the dishes and SPLASHED DISGUSTING DIRTY DISH WATER ON MY FACE.
Also, I need someone to come and do Charlie Work** at my house.
Goddammit Charlie, indeed.
*Goddammit Charlie is what Dee et al say on It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, which, if you haven't watched this show, start at the beginning and be prepared to die of laughing your fool head off. Also, in the spirit of the holidays, watch the Christmas special, which we are going to do in a double feature with Bad Santa as a holiday tradition. It's that awesome.
** Charlie Work is the name for the disgusting jobs no one wants to do, like clean the toilet or kill rats or deal with garbage cans***.
*** I also, anytime anything gross happens, think, "Eeeewww, garbage water!" like Homer does on The Simpsons.
Evidently my life right now is ruled by television. Let's be friends.
I think Alyssa may be regretting this.