Tuesday, January 24, 2012

I'm better now, thanks.

Well, I checked out this Yahoo! article on heart attack symptoms, and, unsurprisingly, I have them ALL.

This was after I had the shittiest day in ages, so you must understand that it's not only my hypochondria which has me thinking I'm going to join Elizabeth because this is the big one*.  It's all combining to make me think this is it.  It's over.  Particularly because Saturday was a clusterfuck of aggravation and despair. 

There was fighting with the husband and not-so-surreptitiously deciding we were getting a divorce because FUCK HIM and then we did the, "Are you done being a jerk?" thing on Sunday and then he played a Pearl Jam song he said made him think of me [No, NOT JEREMY! GOD!], so the divorce is off. For now.  [Also, I must ask again, how did I spend my 20s dicking around and NOT fuck Eddie Vedder? WHAT THE HELL? I am SO.PISSED. I didn't head out to Seattle and get him while I could. Goddamnit, Charlie. That's bullshit.]

I also was morose about . . . everything.  Literally every single thing.  Job? Life in general? Debt? Missing my kid? Hating my body/mind/hair/soul? All of it.  It was a no good very bad day.

So I ended up making chocolate chip cookies, which helped a bit.  And then Sunday was actually not terrible and Monday was less hateful.  I hate moods. I want just a flatline of okayness.  With some bursts of OH FUCK YEAH. Is that too much to ask for? IS IT?

Also, apropos of nothing: sometimes when I play WWF, I deliberately put in curse words so it will tell me, "Sorry, that's not an acceptable word."  And then I get all smug and say, "Fuck you, WWF! I WILL DECIDE WHAT IS ACCEPTABLE!" 

I may need more friends in the real world.


*Please, please tell me someone got the Sandford and Son reference? Also, when the girl was smaller and still was at home all the time, we would walk into her messy, messy room and sing the theme song.  She was pissed when she finally saw Fred and Lamont's house on t.v.


  1. I READ THAT ARTICLE TOO!!! And also immediately regretted it.

  2. I deliberately avoid those articles. I don't need help thinking something is wrong with me, thanks!

    I totally got the Sanford and Sons reference! I used to watch that show all the time...and I have no idea why. I watched a rerun of it the other day and thought, "How was this appropriate for me when I was a kid?" Of course, most of the jokes went right over my noggin at the time!

  3. Yep, I remember Sanford and Son. Proof, evidently, that I'd watch anything back in the seventies.

  4. I got it. It made me think though, after I read it, "was it Elizabeth? It WAS wasn't it! Huh!"

    Also, it makes me laugh when WWF tells me I'm being inappropriate. Don't be so judgy, WWF!

  5. I must WWF you! It will let you play the word shit, but not Cunt. I know. I've tried.

  6. Wahahahahahahahahahah! Autocorrect initially changed Cunt to Cynthia.

  7. opffffffffffffffdo;/

    Crissakes, just choked on my coffee at your kid seeing S and Son after singing the song for decades.

    You are Deelishisly evil..


    As my inappropriate childhood friend, Flip Wilson's Geraldine, would say, "evil is just live spelled backwards."

  8. Duh. Clearly I got the S&S reference. What do you think raised me? Television. Not my parents.

  9. please don't have a heart attack.

    what was the song? also, eddie vedder is super short. not that that really matters in bed. it's just...getting there...

  10. Wait, so MONDAY was your best day? Jesus.

  11. SUPER LOL at Samford and Sons. I'm trying to remember the theme song, but Chico & The Man is doing a MIND BLOCK on me. Stupid Chico & The Man.

    Chico...don't be DIS-COUR-AGE-ED, The Man, he ain't so hard to understand..

    Anyhoo, oh yeah, I was all over twitter with the "I HATE EVERYTHING AND WANT TO DIE. NO WAIT, I DON'T WANT TO DIE BECAUSE I DON'T CARE ENOUGH."

    Nihilism was sounding very appealing. Then I got drunk and watched Californication and it was ALL BETTER.

    Maybe you need to do that with a Tina Fey marathon.

  12. Chocolate chip cookies always help.

  13. The Samford and Son theme is my ringtone. Swear to Mohammad, it is. Also, feeling melancholy here about job, debt, stupid-ass never going on vacation, and why I can't ever think of the perfect crime where I would steal millions from some evil corporation and get away with it.

    So, it could be worse.

    Gwyneth would NEVER have gotten the Sanford and Son reference, just sayin.

  14. Loved "Sanford and Son" which provided some of the best politically incorrect quotes of the '70s.

  15. Totally got the reference. My huz and I hum the theme whenever we see a junky pick-up truck go by.

  16. yes. yes. yes. feelings are what make us human. if you don't want them you might be out of luck.

    the good news is - they pass. and then new ones crop up.

    i loved sanford and son, but don't remember much of it.

    i hate my hair - always. it just sucks. period.

    1. Hey, look at me! Commenting!

      Apparently, I can only comment on your blog in response to other people's comments. Your blog should know better than to try and break up with me. I've been dumped so many times. I know all the tricks.

      Also, my tummy hurt last night and after about 5 min. of Googling became totally convinced I have an ulcer. Or cancer. Or indigestion.

  17. Maybe autocorrect was saying Cynthia IS a cunt - ever think of that huh? HUH?

    January fucking sucks fucking donkey balls. It takes me twenty fucking minutes to walk across the frozen fucking field to get to my kid's portable to pick her up after school - I walk ON the school skating rink because it's less slippery than the actual WALKING PART. Also, my course blows. Library of Congress Subject Headings can eat hot death. And I never have a heart attack, I always have MS. And I said 'headcapitated' instead of 'decapitated' for years because of Sanford and Son.

  18. Sometimes I STILL clutch my chest and shout "It's the big one! I'm comin', Lord!" just for fun.

  19. LOL....I still quote "Fred Sanford" ...often. ;)

    you should read my Monday post, we are in the SAME boat my friend...same boat, lake and life vests...and I HATE how those MFs look on everyone...except hot guys. ;)

    gad you're better ;)

  20. You know, WWF takes "shit" but not "cunt" or "fuck" or "clit". I call bullshit (which, also, it will not accept).

    I'm glad the divorce is off, for now.

  21. I just wanna say...

    I TOTALLY got the Sanford and Son reference.

    In fact, I made "This is the big one!" joke last week.

    Not as many people got it as i wanted.

    I needed you there.

  22. Do you ever get those sharp pains in your brain that convince you that you have about 30 seconds until the aneurysm reaches your other senses? No? Just me? Fuck...I need cookies.

    ps I'm sorry you had a day that was anything less than awesomely stellar...

  23. Why won't the World Wrestling Federation let you cuss? You'd think that would be an asset.

    I hope your week has gotten better. Also, it's never too late for you and Eddie Vedder. What's he got goin' on these days that he can't make time for such an awesome chick like yourself.

  24. Why did I automatically go to "World Wrestling Federation" instead of "Words with Friends?"

  25. I got the Sanford and Son AND the Goddamnit, Charlie references.

    Which reminds me. We went to dinner with another couple on Saturday night and when we came back to our house for "drinks after" we made them watch the Christmas episode.

  26. Goddamnit, Charlie. My comment only half-published.

    Anyway, when we got to the part where Danny Devito comes out of the couch?

    We made them watch it twice to be sure they saw how funny it was.

    Yeah. I'm not sure they'll go out with us again.

  27. Holy moly, we kinda had similar weekends minus Eddie Vedder (I thought I read somewhere that he is a douchebag?).

    I also made cookies from a recipe I saw on a blog. Mine did not come out all cute and delicate like the ones pictured in the blog, they were more..uh..brick-like.

    Also, I started a diet because I somehow gained some weight (butter and Christmas) and am drinking some water that's called 'Sassy Water' to minimize my bloat. So I got that going for me.

    Oh. And I totally got the Elizabeth reference, right off the bat (because I used to be a human remote when I was young for my father and he liked S&S). Although who the hell is Charlie Goddamnit?


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