Thursday, February 23, 2012

Why is our couch so fucking low?

Convalescence at Home, Part II of My Saga

I spent the bulk of Surgery Friday enjoying a drug induced haze and hating how much my throat hurt.  Did you know that you get a tube shoved down your throat to help you breath during general anesthesia? Yes, you do.  And that shit hurts like a mother.

The husband humored me when we got home - and kept me on a strict pill popping regimen.  He let me watch the BBC Pride and Prejudice and Community dvds and I dozed and drooled and realized that our couch? Is a piece of shit.  Seriously.  Be glad you don't come over.  It's comfy-ish, but when you lay down on it and try to get up? FORGET IT.  Particularly if you've been cut open, say, in your midsection, and all your muscles are pretty fucking pissed at having been assaulted.

I spent the day on the couch, with the husband hauling me up so I could shuffle to the bathroom and pee. I was really wishing we had a bed pan or I had a catheter and I was pretty tempted to have the husband stock up on the Depends, but I decided I should put off the inevitable for as long as I could.  So it was me trying to swing my legs gently to the floor and grab the edge of the couch and the husband trying to cantilever me upright until I could push up from a squatting position because evidently the couch bottom is pretty much the floor. FUN!

I took a shower the next day, where I finally got a look at my scar and the MULTIPLE STAPLES holding it together. Yes. MULTIPLE. As in NINE. METAL. STAPLES. Just above my belly button.  It was pretty fucking disgusting.  And they stayed in for 10 fucking days.  Gah.  I thought I had better insurance than this.

I also watched a lot of Scrubs [because medical comedies speed the healing process, they did a study published in the Journal of the American Medical Association.] and half-reading a backlog of magazines and drool/sleeping because I couldn't come up with a single dumb romantic comedy that sounded even remotely watchable. 

I even came to appreciate the prunes and prune juice I had to drink because did you know those Tylenol 3s will stop you up? THEY WILL.  Also, FYI, organic prune juice is the way to go. I never thought I'd have a preference, but there you have it.  All of this made me so pretty.  Particularly when I grunted myself off of the couch.

My family came over to help, which was awesome, particularly since they'd cook and clean and put away my dishes.  That I still can't find certain things is a small price to pay.  I felt kind of bad that they were doing all the work, and then I'd take another pill and it was all fine. 

The girl was home for a few days - which was wonderful.  She was super sweet and made me happy, particularly since she was able to cover me when I needed it, and also find the remote and put new DVDs in the player [which was too low to the floor for me to reach without feeling like I was being cut in half] [and grunt-crying].  Also, she made cookies. 

And now, here I am, ready to very, very gently get back into my groove.  I'm thinking I'm going to work out and wear a bikini this summer, so I can show off my kick ass scar.  It's a nice complement to my appendectomy scar. And my c-section scar.

My abdomen kind of looks like a relief map.

25 comments:

  1. Ack! Anything with stomach and metal staples makes my body cringe in sympathy pains!!

    And yes, Scrubs DOES speed up the healing process, fo'shizz.

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  2. Oh, the constipation! I forgot about that. The beautiful morphine I had, stopped me up for 2 weeks. But that's okay because morphine is the loveliest thing. I wish I could get a prescription for it. It made even the Burger King commercials the most delightful thing in the world. Seriously, I remember being ridiculously happy watching that creepy Burger King dude.

    Feel better soon and when you do, get thee to a furniture store, toot sweet.

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  3. AH YES, the scars of being a woman. You've earned those MOFOS woman--wear them with pride! Next, you get all gold teeth.

    How come grunt-crying cracked me up? Anyhow, I'm sorry that you're in pain and your couch is so heinously low! I hope you feel better soon.

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  4. The constipation! ZOMG. I actually wrote a blog post about it years ago on Myspace (shut up) called "Big Bertha." *Raises eyebrow*

    Also noteworthy: Sounds like we had our hernias in the same spot-ish. Mine was a couple of inches above my belly button. They did the operation through my belly button though, so my stitches went through my belly button horizontally. The scar I have makes it look like I had one of those boob jobs they do through the bellybutton, only I don't have any boobs to speak of. So basically, it's confusing.

    Hope you're feeling better and that everything is going "smoothly." *Raises eyebrow*

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  5. Hmm. You should get a new couch. We just bought one that heats and vibrates.

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  6. Oh man, I remember when I had my hysterectomy a few years ago. The surgeries in the abdominal area are fucking brutal! And yes, I had a low couch too! Who is manufacturing these horrible things? But the doctor's note that included, among other things, no vaccuuming for 6 or 3 or 5 or however many weeks it said, was gold! Get better soon!

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  7. That sounds awful! Hopefully, you'll heal super fast and buy a new couch, too. I've had to roll to get off of low sofas before.

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  8. I first read "Surgery Friday" as "Sugary Friday." It really altered my expectations about this post.

    You should totally declare a "Sugary Friday" when you're feeling better.

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  9. I'd like to join you on the couch, watching shit TV, on a pill regimen, and pretending that we got fabulous tummy tucks and lipo. We could peruse catalogues in a foggy stupor picking out our fucking summer bikinis. Rock on.

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  10. "Be glad you don't come over." Gold.

    Also, I think that "NINE. METAL. STAPLES." needs to be the slogan for something... but I'm not quite sure what.

    It needs to be something involving an birth, robots, and an office superstore.

    I don't know. Figure it out on your couch.

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  11. Oh and I just decided that you deserved an award. So check it.

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  12. Ugh. I feel your pain. Literally. Or I did several years ago. The worst part was lying around all day made me get all this congestion in my chest which was annoying and made me want to cough it up but it hurt so fucking bad. And then the doctor told me I wasn't allowed to cough so of course that was ALL I wanted to do.

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  13. I also have the appendectomy and c-section scars...am now jealous I don't have the complete set...

    FEEL BETTER SOOOOOOON!
    xoxoxo

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  14. Until now, I'd really been considering hernia surgery. I mean, Tylenol 3 and Pride and Prejudice? Come ON!

    But then you got to prune juice and I had to wake up from my dream.

    Reality bites, doesn't it? With sharp metal staples instead of teeth.

    Ouch.

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  15. My couch is da bomb for being sick. So comfy and cozy. As for any other purpose, like looking good in the living room, holding you upright when you want to be vertical, it fails. Happy healing.

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  16. My sofa totally rocks, but thankfully I haven't had to test it with a major surgery.

    Youngman Brown recommended your site and I am glad he did! Look forward to your posts after you get some healing time in:)

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  17. Okay, but look at you! Taking pills!!!! And, as I obviously don't need to tell you, abdominal surgery is total bullshit. Hope you are feeling much, much better.

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  18. I am curious if your sofa is a Barcalounger? Because we had that sofa once and paid a fortune for it. Soon after it was delivered, we discovered that if we sat on it longer than 60 minutes, we developed horrible back and neck aches. Yet we kept that fucker for 10 years, because you know, we paid a fortune for it. Basically our cat did not have the same spinal issues we had with it and thus enjoyed it for herself, as we sat on the comfortable hardwood floor....

    As soon as you can, run out and get yourself a new sofa. Just make sure it's not a Barcalounger!

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  19. oh chiklet! I hope you feel better, why why why do they never prescribe vicodin in Michigan... faulkers.

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  20. Stapes? Seriously?

    All the best surgeons use patterned duct tape.

    Don't pay your co-pay. That's what I say.

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  21. Hey, I tagged you in the 11 Random Things meme!  Come by my site and check it out.  It's fun.  I never know who likes to participate in tags or not, so if you don't prefer to do it, that's ok! I just thought it may interest you while in a drug induced haze on the couch.

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  22. Glad to hear you're on the mend. And, yeah, painkillers? They're the anti-shit.

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  23. I hate it when serious pain and pills make you aware that the surroundings you thought were so comfortable really suck. I had sinus surgery once and that made me realize our bed was slowly trying to kill me.

    GET BETTER!!!!!!!!!!!!! Cookies + Scrubs = perfect medicine!

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  24. Ay ay ay. Having c-section flash backs over here. I think there may be something to your theory (or is it a fact?) about comedies speeding the recovery...laughter kind of works the appropriate muscle group. Although, after my first c-section I banished my husband from my room forever because he couldn't stop making me laugh and it was the most painful thing ever.

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  25. Hate pain.

    And discomfort.

    And looking at gross stuff on myself.

    ALSO: constipation from Tylenol 3's..like nothing else on the planet.

    Where the saying "shitting bricks" came from.

    xo

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Every time you comment, I get a lady boner.