Thursday, March 15, 2012

Dropping Truth Bombs of Embarrassment

You know how you think you're pretty fucking awesome all the time? And then every once in a while, you get blindsided by feelings of self-loathing and despair and inadequacy? Yeah, me, too.

I've been thinking lately about friendship and how it factors in to your life.  I like this blog and Twitter because I feel like I can be who I am and there aren't any judgments [TO MY FACE] about me being me.  There aren't any ramifications, either, really, because I know very, very few people personally in real life who read this blog or follow me on Twitter, and the people I have met [in person, via Skype or email, or by phone] have been nothing but kind and warm-hearted.  Like really, really nice.

And yet . . .

Every once in a while, I get that WHY NOT ME? angst rearing its ugly, shameful head.  Rather than focus on the friends I've made [and I do consider them friends - whether they feel the same, I have no idea, but I have yet to be served with a restraining order, so I'm assuming they're getting something out of this, too], I sometimes think WHY AM I NOT FRIENDS WITH THAT PERSON? And instead of focusing on the real reason - maybe a lack of commonality, maybe they don't have time, maybe the stars simply haven't aligned yet - I assume it is a defect in me.  That I am to blame as being unworthy of someone sharing their time. I mean, it may well be that person has an aversion to someone who says cunt or motherfucker on an oft-daily basis, which, you know, I get, and which for some reason is more palatable than thinking that that person takes issue with me and my thoughts.

Please understand I am not thinking of anyone in particular, I am not calling anyone out.  The person could one day be Tina Fey [and sometimes has been] or it may be someone who pops up on my Twitter timeline periodically and I think, "I SHOULD BE BFFs WITH THAT PERSON HOW ARE WE NOT WHY DO THEY HATE ME?" even thought I *technically* haven't had an actual interaction with them.

Anyway, that kind of shit pops into my head every once in a while, and while I loathe the fact that it seems as if I haven't developed emotionally beyond a frightened middle schooler, I do like the fact that I can step back and objectively look at the situation with something less than total blind panic.

Or not.


  1. I totally get this. It seems completely normal to me. Which of course I've decided is gospel and you should too. Normal but not easy to live with, admittedly.

  2. I don't think any of us ever mature beyond middle school.

    I'm the opposite, though. I always feel like calling someone just to talk or suggesting we get together for coffee or a beer, or even half the emails I compose! - will just be me pestering the other person, because clearly everyone around me is busy and important. maybe that's why you're not BFFs with that person - they think you are too awesome to want to hang out with them.

    Just sayin'.

  3. i went to a meeting this morning to support my friend who is having issues with some of the 5th graders bullying her daughter. as the adults were describing the situation, all i could think was (and i laughed this out loud): adults do the same thing. the friend felt like she was getting bullied by the principal. it was a weird moment of clarity.

    we never grow up. just old.

    also - life is all about perception. sometimes mine is in a good place until i think it's not and then things get all crazy up in here and there and everywhere...

    huge hugs and i'm glad we're pen pals. i adore you.

  4. What you just said up there?? I feel just like that, about...YOU! Ok, no, I don't, just thought I'd throw you a curve ball. But I have felt those feelings of "hey, OVER HERE, be my FRIEND!!!"

  5. I'm starting to realize that this is just a natural part of social networking.

    At least in real life I can remain blissfully ignorant to the fact that not everyone thinks I am funny/charismatic/have really shiny hair. But whenever I'm online I find that I'm constantly asking myself questions like, "Why isn't that chick following me back on Twitter?" or "How come so-and-so hasn't sent me a friend request?"or "Why hasn't anyone asked me what brand of conditioner I use?"

    (I mean, it's not like I'd give away my secret to having luxurious tresses or anything, but still. It would be nice if they at least asked...;))

  6. I do this all the time, too. I feel mostly on the edges of all my social circles. I'll think I'm "in" and then see some Facebook post with photos about how they all went on some wine tasting weekend and think: Why not me? I'm your basic loner type who can tolerate social gatherings in small doses. I guess it shows.


    Also, I love you and you are my bff WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT.

  8. I will always love you. Don't die like Whitney Houston.

  9. Tina Fey constantly ignores me. It's like she wants to act like we don't know each other.

    I HATE IT.

    We all have these pestering notions. Fight 'em back because you're the kind of sauce people ask for two of.

  10. I love what the poster above wrote: we never grow up, we just get old. I still sometimes have those feelIngs you describe, but lately I've started to not give a fiddler's fart (that's right, I said it). Bring a cranky bitch is one benefit of getting old...

  11. How do I tell you this without making me look bad and having everyone who's reading it call 911 send a therapist stat to this address.

    Easy peasy.

    Just think you're lucky enough to have even one person talk to you, but THEN awesome ones like you, holy...I don't need nothin' else.

    You can thank the survivor's camp my bros and sis grew up in: the raising by a mentally ill woman who told us we never should have been born.

    Sounds sad, but there's funny little stories in there..and hey...maybe my witch of a mother should write a book: How to raise emotionally hardy children."


    Wish I could say I understand, Suni, but I don't. I think you are amazing, cool, clever, intelligent, witty, talented..did I say cool?

    I'll say it again: cool.

    All these words to say you don't know how many are crushing on you on twitter...You don't know, Suni.

  12. The answer to your question is simple: because they are assholes.

    The best advice I can give is move on and don't dwell.

  13. I have what I think is a very similar thing...I looked for a better word but 'thing' is the best I could do. I get down on myself when certain bloggers who I think are really funny and cool and, hey, a lot like me don't come knocking on my virtual door. Even after I've knocked on theirs a couple of times. I like to say to myself "oh they're just jealous." but the truth is it could have absolutely nothing to do with me. I could ask them. But that would be putting myself out there in a way that I'm not comfortable with so I try to do as your friend francerants says. Don't dwell and move on. It's hard though bc I want everyone (and I mean EVERYONE) to like me.
    PS nice new digs!

  14. You're talking about me, aren't you? Oh, wait, you're not? Not everything is about me? Dammit, in this online world, I'm really, really having a hard time getting my mind around that in this online world.

    But, yeah, I go through the same . . . I like to think that I'm a funny, well-written, approachable, good-looking guy (because I screen the pictures I place online), but I'm always afraid that there are people who put up with me just because it's easier than actively ignoring me.

    I'm super healthy, deep down. As you can plainly see.

  15. Maybe if you'd answer some of the texts I've sent you, we wouldn't be reading this post right now. All I wanted was to run through field of clover with you, and maybe braid your hair, but nooooooo, instead you pretend like I'm all crazy and shit. Anyhoo, there was no need to get the law involved, that was just mean. Love you, Chris

  16. I use "Why aren't we friends yet?" all of the time when I want to introduce myself to someone I don't know. I have only been ignored once. Fucking Tina Fey.

  17. Up until rightthissecond, I've always assumed everyone loves me.
    So thanks a lot.

    If you need me, I'll be curled up in the corner of my closet letting the truth rain down on me.

    I might be muttering motherfucker and wearing a Batman costume.

  18. I feel the same way, except I also feel guilt because I don't really want to have parties or go out for coffee or talk in person most of the time because I'm a hermit, so I feel bad that online people won't love me while simultaneously shirking the friends I already have. Did I just one-up you? Yes?

  19. I'm with ya on this! I often think, "how do I become besties with that person??? How do I get them to like me???" Sigh. Please like me, damn it.

  20. Who doesn't want to be bff with Tina Fey?

    Hugs to you!

  21. It would be at this point, if I were there and we were BFFS (which we would be) that I'd bitch slap you, you'd cry, we'd hug and then we'd go out for drinks. It's called GEOGRAPHICALLY CHALLENGED. That's all. You're there and I'm here.

  22. I don't usually get that feeling - I get the paranoia that people I do consider friends secretly would really rather not spend time with me. this leads me to not trying to set up hanging out with them, because if they invite me to something, that proves that they are interested in the friendship, and if they don't, I won't be forcing my company on someone. Yup... paranoia...

  23. I get this (and get over it just like you do) but it's more related to someone I consider on my "level" who does not interact with me when I comment on her blog or when I reply to a Tweet. I know that people are busy or may get too many comments to reply to each one, but I get hung up on the fact that I may retweet or tweet or reply and I get nothing and then the person isn't even following me back (and yes, I am thinking of two specific people). I JUST TYPED THIS OUT AND OFFICIALLY FEEL THIRD GRADE TAKE OVER MAH MIND.

    And now I feel better though, for having uttered my deep dark please love me back secret. Probably didn't do shit for you, but, um, thanks. The check is in the mail.


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