Tuesday, March 6, 2012

March Resolutions. Screw you, January.

So here are some things I've decided:

I'm done wearing eyeshadow.  I put it on, and it looks o.k., and then it starts to feel like it's slowly, grain by microscopic grain, working its way into my eyeballs, and I spend the rest of the day with minorly itchy eyes, which I don't want to rub, because, cf: EYESHADOW, which would get even more grains in my eyes.  I'm sticking to eyeliner, which, if I'm feeling fancy, I will pencil all the way up to my eyebrow line. I AM PRETTY.

March is going to be Pantry Month.  Don't get all excited - I said PAN-TRY, not the unmentionables.  I have hoarder-type tendencies, and the husband and I hate dealing with commerce and its attended yokels [seriously, I was at the grocery store yesterday, out running errands, like a normal person who does not have bits of scab still clinging to the incision in above her belly button, and of course it was me and every old person in my city who decided it was prime time to park their goddamn carts all over the place and that one old man/woman/?? who I kept running into - oh, no wait, he/she/?? kept running her cart into me and then one time TOUCHED MY PERSON and then also that old guy who snagged, no lie, like six of those little free food samples and was standing near the bags of Doritos (which I did NOT buy, much as I wanted to) snarfing them like he hadn't eaten in ages, which grossed me out and then made me feel bad, because maybe he hadn't eaten in ages, but seriously, put that shit in your pocket and take it home, old guy, no one wants to see your dentures flapping (YES, I KNOW I AM A BITCH AND I AM GOING TO HELL, I  KNOW AND CAN'T HELP MYSELF) and it was all I could do not to scream] . . . what? Oh. Anyway, our house and fridge and freezer and separate stand up freezer is full of food and we are spending March working our way through it because as much as I can't stand dealing with people, I also don't like the idea that I have to toss food that I bought in a fit of good intention and then never used because the apocalypse never came.  Also, we are two people and two cats and have enough food to feed the Brady Bunch.  It's ridic.

I am a fucking writer, goddammit.  I am a writer and I will FINISH what I have started and when I sell this book you all better buy a copy and pretend you like it because while I am a writer, I am also very, very needy and you better buck up and help a girl out so she doesn't have a major breakdown.  Again. 

I am going to start playing my flute again.  I've signed up for flute lessons.  I haven't played in years, really, but I used to like it and I used to be quite good at it, and I need to do something that isn't work or exercise or sorting through canned goods for a decent meal [who is coming over for chickpeas and evaporated milk? YUMMY!] and since no one will come over and talk shit about people with me, I'm going to play the flute. 

That's what I've got so far. I've also got an award coming up that the super-fantastic Good Yougman Brown tossed my way, which I will post soon, but I wanted to tease you about it, because I AM SPECIAL AND YOU ARE NOT. Wait. That's more being a dick than teasing.  Sorry.  You're special, too.  I swear. 

I'm sorry.  Here. Let me give you a bag of frozen peas to make it up to you.


  1. One of my doomed resolutions was to START wearing eye make up. You know. So I can look like a girl?

    But damn. I haven't found a mascara, waterproof or otherwise that isn't all over my face within an hour.

    So I switched to painting my nails. 'Cause my nails are awesome.

    yeah. I look a dude with a really nice hands.

  2. Sunni, I join you on all fronts.

    Done with the sparkly taupe for me, and down to using my time the way it needs to be used.

    Also, making the pantry my bitch for 2012.


  3. Screw you January

    I hope you are going to take precautions....safe sex and all that.....

    Oh, that’s what you are using February for – nothing says safe sex like putting a month between you.... even if it is a stunted month....

  4. Perhaps I will start playing the trumpet again and we can start a band.

    Or at least an awkward duo in which the minuscule sounds of your flute cannot be heard over the booming glory of my trumpet.

    Oh. And I'm done wearing eyeshadow too.

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  6. Love the title, the resolutions and rants, and will love your book!

  7. yes, write that damn book and i'll fucking buy that shit.

    p.s. i'm THE most needy asshole on the internet.

    p.s.s. old people in public are anomalies.

  8. Bravo! I think you should take the flute to the grocery with you!

  9. I will definitely buy it. I have been wanting to learn guitar forever. I plan to actually start this month.

  10. I just bought eye shadow yesterday. However, apparently my eyelashes do their intended job and keep the grit out of my eyeballs. Thank you, eyelashes. Also, there's a gel/high tech/NASA/ I don't know what eyeshadow that I use that never gets gritty and it comes in the most hideousfabulous brightest turquoise blue, so you know I wear that as often as possible and it has never tried to infiltrate the eyeball area.

    Get ON that flute.

    And Get ON finishing that book so I can love it.

    I'm so demanding.

    Sarah xxx

  11. Oh, I just love you.

    I really did think you said "panty month" for a split second. I was all like "Go Sunny!", thinking you were declaring this the month Victoria would spill her secrets.

    PS lady - you are SO a writer.

  12. I will buy and read and love your book. Unless it is quickly made into a movie. (Go you!) In which case I will buy your book but lie about reading it and base my knowledge of your writing on how an actress who is NOT Gwyneth Paltrow portrayed you. Because ... this is my pattern with books. It's shameful. I am not a productive member of society.

  13. You know what I find hilarious? That as I type this I am looking at an almay ad for eyeshadow...on your blog! Bahahaha! "Learn about the new eyeshadow shades to look your best this season."

    I will totally buy your book.

  14. I will buy your book in paper version (so you can autograph it for me) AND Kindle version, so I can have it with me always. That's love, sister. Also, I would totally come.over and bitch about people with you. I don't like them either.

  15. Fuck yeah, you're a writer! You know I'd buy your book.

    But I'm not gonna wear eye makeup, ever. And I'd have bought the Doritos, because I'd worry about people watching when I went back for my 10th free food sample.

  16. I misread that last bit and thought you were taking up the skin flute. Your husband thanks me.

  17. Write that goddamn book already, will ya? If they need a photo for the cover, they will do the eye shadow application, take the pic then clean it off for you! The Will!!

  18. I want to read that book so hurry up already!!!

    My hat is off to you for your pantry quest (NOT panty quest - that's just for Japanese businessmen) I wouldn't know what to do with all that food. If I can place an order for it to be delivered in 30 min than I can't use it.

  19. jeez....with the exception of the flute, this could be my post.........

  20. OMG we are so much alike! I still have my flute from HS and two freezers full of food & nothing to eat. It is like my closet, full of clothes and nothing to wear.

    I WANT THE FIRST BOOK! We can have a cheese party to celebrate!


Every time you comment, I get a lady boner.