The other night, I woke up in the middle of the night [as per usual] [at least several times a night] [does anyone actually get hours of sleep in a row?] and went to the bathroom, you know, for something to do.
I came back to bed and, because my bedside lamp was on [because I'm up a lot and will read myself back to sleep] [also to keep away scary monsters] [but not aliens, because I think they are impervious to light], I notice a GIANT SPIDER near the ceiling at the head of the bed.
I immediately woke the husband and made him kill it [why else would I keep him around?], which he did. And then he said, "Did you feel all its eyes watching you? Is that why you woke up?"
No wonder I don't sleep through the night. I have to be constantly on guard for spiders.
Also monsters.
If I don't take my sleep helper at night [read: vodka] I have a helluva time falling asleep. And when I do, I keep jerking awake from the same recurring dream which is a big fucking spider coming down from the ceiling. The dream always takes place in the room that I'm IN (sometimes I sleep on the sofa) so it's really ...real. Fucking spiders.
ReplyDeleteI sleep with some dead flies glued to my lips, then when the spider tries to take them...BAM, one dead fucking spider. Don't worry, you get used to the taste.
ReplyDeleteLast Night I Slept Almost Seven Hours In A Row For The First Time In Years! Today I feel so good it's like I'm on The Good Drugs! True story.
ReplyDeleteMostly I have the girl from The Ring crawling towards me in the dark. That is so awesome. Why the fuck did I ever watch that stupid movie?
Rhetorical. Sarah xxx
I slept on an air mattress at the foot of my bed last night (it involves my kid and his Exorcist-stylz barfing skills) and was up for hours convinced that a rat, alligator or similar would crawl out from under the bed and run across my face. Next time you're awake in the night, do the obvious thing...call me!
ReplyDeleteOh, I can't stand this: when you're sitting there TYPING away and then you see an itty bitty SPIDER coming down on a thread right along side you.
ReplyDeleteJust waiting to crawl in your ear and lay its babies...
xo
How you doing, sweetie????? SEE YOU SOON> !!!!!!!!!!!
But what if it was too late? What if that spider ALREADY laid hundred of eggs in its nest (under the bed) and they are about to hatch any minute now (but probably not until you fall asleep tonight, maybe tomorrow night)??
ReplyDeleteI think we have a clear answer now as to why Michael Jackson slept in that oxygen chamber. In reality, it was more of an anti-spider chamber.
Oh, I'm not scared of spiders. I'm scared of the snakes (that somehow make their way to Seattle) (shhh).
ReplyDeleteUnrelated: You're going to blogher, right? RIGHT? I might make my way there, I hope. WILL YOU BE MY FRIEND IF I GO?
Don't forget about the Boogeyman! He hides in the closet.
ReplyDeletei can't kill spiders, thanks to Charlotte's Web.
ReplyDeleteI kid you not, right now I have a giant swollen knee with a little red pin-prick in the center.
ReplyDeleteI just KNOW it's a bite from the spider that crawled out of my book when I picked it up off the nightstand on Monday night.
After I screamed and threw the book at Bill, we couldn't find the spider in our bed.
I'm pretty sure it knew my true intentions and got revenge.
On my knee.
I hope I rolled over on him. Hard.