The other night, I woke up in the middle of the night [as per usual] [at least several times a night] [does anyone actually get hours of sleep in a row?] and went to the bathroom, you know, for something to do.
I came back to bed and, because my bedside lamp was on [because I'm up a lot and will read myself back to sleep] [also to keep away scary monsters] [but not aliens, because I think they are impervious to light], I notice a GIANT SPIDER near the ceiling at the head of the bed.
I immediately woke the husband and made him kill it [why else would I keep him around?], which he did. And then he said, "Did you feel all its eyes watching you? Is that why you woke up?"
No wonder I don't sleep through the night. I have to be constantly on guard for spiders.