Thursday, September 29, 2011

The Crazy. It Burns.

So you know how I'm nuts, right? And I have crippling anxiety sometimes?

Well, I've had a pretty good handle on it lately, but every once in a while, something will come up and the crazy will start swirling and shoot up into my brain from wherever it hides when I've got a grip on it [I think in my spleen.  That sounds about right.] and I have to spend HOURS dealing with the madness.

Case in point:

You are familiar with my love of cheese, correct?  And the fact that I've developed a relationship with my cheese lady at the local market? And that at any given point in time, there are not less than a dozen different types of cheeses in my fridge?

Well, generally, usually, normally, I'm a cheese whore [not to be confused with a cheesy whore, although that could bring all the boys to the yard, I'm thinking], and I love to eat all kinds of cheese.

Except when the crazy looms.  And then takes over a portion of my brain normally dedicated to things like deciding if I really do like that Fergie song Glamorous [yes, of course I do, I am a sucker for songs where chicks spell out words. G. L. A. M. O. R. O-U-S. What's not to love? Also, cf Gwen Stefani's magnum opus, This shit is bananas - b.a.n.a.n.a.s. It sure is! Add the genius of Ludacris throwing down with If you ain't got no money take your broke ass home and you have a song for the ages. {YouTube link}] and makes it STEW in its own fine barrel of lunacy and the crazy just takes over.

Like it did this past weekend and tonight.

I was at the market, talking to my cheese lady and picked up some apple pie cheddar. Yum, right? What is wrong with any of those words? NOTHING.

So I bought it, but almost as soon as I put it in my cart and paid for it, I got the crazy - What if I'm allergic to it? What if it poisons me? What if I die when I eat it? - and so instead of enjoying something so delicious [CHEDDAR AND APPLE AND CINNAMON? WTF, BRAIN? W. T. F.?], I've spent the past 2 hours quietly losing my shit [because the husband has a friend over] and taking inventory of my system [Are my eyes itchy? Am I having trouble breathing? Why does my tongue hurt? Can I swallow? Has my left eyelid always drooped like that? And if it has, WHY?] and wondering if I'm going to die.

I hate being crazy.  It fucking exhausts me.  And trying to get over the crazy, by rationally telling myself that it's o.k. to eat the cheese and I won't die and then eating the cheese instead of just throwing it away? Is even more exhausting.


  1. Eating the cheese is MUCH better than cutting the cheese. So, I'm thinking you're good to go.
    On a related note: is cottage cheese really cheese?

  2. Hang in there. And, unless it involves killing people or harming yourself, I vote you do whatever eases the crazy. I.E. throw the cheese away. Or give it to somebody else who might enjoy it. Yes, it wastes a bit of cash but you feeling better is likely worth it.

  3. You could send the cheese to me. I could added to my collection.

  4. you're no more crazy than me. everytime i eat something new i assume i will suffer an allergic reaction...or i'll contract that brain eating bacteria...or i'll get abducted in broad daylight in the target parking lot...or i'll be hit by a falling satellite...or i'll wake up suddenly paralyzed from the neck down and not able to call for help. i'm perfectly sane.

  5. I remember my grandmother saying this to me in my childhood every time we busted out holiday desserts:

    "An apple pie without some cheese is like a kiss without a squeeze."

    Yeah. I just died a little as I typed that.
    It does burn.

    Like hell.

    p.s. I'm going to spend all day now thinking of songs in which the lead singer spells out words of varying value (R.E.S.P.E.C.T = good; B.A.L.L.E.R. = no). Crap.

  6. oh my. you're not alone. i promise you. i'm yelling at strangers in the gym because their lotion smells. read my last post. you'll feel better about yourself. promise.

  7. Simone is right. You are NOT alone, my friend. I spent most of last night trying to sleep but really just being pretty confident that I was going to die soon of a brain tumor or breast cancer. Why you ask? Because my kid is happy and great and so something, like the death of his mommy, has to come along and fuck it up. Yell it with me: C-R-A-Z-Y!

  8. Oh, I do feel your pain. I'm so sick of having ovarian cancer every week myself.
    Sigh. Eat the cheese--it will heal you.

  9. I'll save you from the cheese. I'll eat it for you!

  10. That sucks to love something so much and yet kind be OCD about it.....but it could be worse, you could be freaked out about water and never bath, or you could be freaked out about toilet paper and never wipe....see alot worse things then cheese. ;)


  11. This? Is why I love you motherfuckers. LOVE YOU ALL.

  12. Oh my god, you people are all batshit nuts. I feel so comfortable here. Um, what can I share? I already told you about when I got new glasses and almost wept because they felt so alien while I was washing them. Oh! Oh! I used to think the library stairs were trying to kill me! True story.

  13. Exactly.

    I have a post in draft called, "you think it's easy? You try it" about all the work it takes to live with myself.


    Whenever I feel beaten down and exhausted by myself, I think "hey...shirley next door couldn't pull this off everyday."

    That's how I remember I'm awesome.

    Crazy--my favorite flavor in people.

    Fer realz.

    Love you, Sunny.

  14. Is the cheese lady single? She sounds hot.

  15. I'm with Tonya and Simone - the Serb and I took out life insurance because things are going well so we're convinced one of us is gonna croak. That's right: I married myself. How's that for "it could be worse"....

  16. Ah...the drooping eyelid! I've been there. Most days I can write it off as a normal result of 46 years of gravity, but then other days?! I'm certain it's a stroke! Or a brain bleed. Or a tumour.

    My point is - we're all get the Crazies. Thanks for sharing yours with us.

  17. I know exactly what you're talking about and find it exhausting on my end, too. However reading about it is highly entertaining.

    Although if you hadn't commented on my blog just this morning I would be REALLY worried about you ;)

  18. My anxiety has to do with other people, mostly my husband. I imagine the most horrible, awful things happening to others and what that would be like. It is exhausting.

  19. Oh, cheddar on apple pie is absolutely heavenly. Truly. Such a concoction could never, ever harm you.

    While I have a great love of cheese, I typically keep a relatively small sample size at home . . . cheddar, Swiss, Munster, & feta are always around. Brie and "bread cheese" make relatively frequent visits, and Gorgonzola and bleu are never, ever kicked out. Jack or Colby? I can take or leave them. And "pepper jack?" Well, I just don't like it.

    A port-wine/cheddar spread? That's dirty talk to me.

  20. Wow, it scares me when I realize how much I am like u. Then I feel better cause if I'm going to wonder if I'm having a stroke after cheese, I'd like to be in your camp doing it. You know?

    I could be your official taste tester....and you could just watch me for signs of lunacy....could be a good time.


Every time you comment, I get a lady boner.