Monday, October 3, 2011

Reasons I'm Pretty Sure I'm Going to Hell

I generally think I'm a pretty good person. I mean, I don't steal, I'm not intentionally malicious and I only voted for Nader than one time.

However, I have noticed things about myself lately that have me a bit concerned about my after-life [if there is one, which I'm thinking there probably isn't, or if there is, it had better be really excellent and far away from riffraff]. I mean, I'm not actively evil, I just have a lower threshold for annoyance.  But then you already knew that, right? It's what makes me so loveable.

For instance:

The cats sometimes [all the time] get on my nerves.  They are CONSTANTLY coming up to me and rubbing me and pushing their soft furry faces on me and walking on my computer and jumping behind me in my chair or walking underneath me and rubbing themselves on me, continually looking for attention. 

NO ONE gets to be that needy in this house except me. 

I tend to curse out nuns who drive slowly and erratically.  And not simple "you asshole" curses.  I go for the big guns "you stupid motherfucking dick-eating whore" kind of curses.  And then I see the wimple and realize I'm going to hell.

Also for calling that little girl a cuntface.  Eh, she deserved it, so that's a wash.

I also tend to curse out [under my breath or in my head, not out loud, I'm not a complete bitch] customer service people who do not treat me like a queen.  I know, I know, but hear me out - if I'm paying my cash money [or using my debit card or credit card] for items that I can just as easily purchase elsewhere, why are you not fawning all over me, being nice and asking me if I need help? The most egregious examples of shitty customer service have to be the people who work at any Macys anywhere.  Seriously.  Lately they all suck. 

On the other hand, here's why I'm awesome - in a little bit, I'm going to be giving my patented brand of advice on a really cool website.  I need some help from you, my lovelies, to get me started. Could you please email me or leave in the comments some questions seeking my advice?  I'd greatly appreciate it, and in the off chance I get to my version of heaven [cool sleeping weather, no douchebags allowed, plus there's teleporting so that whole road rage thing will be non-existent] I'll save a spot next to me so we can talk about people. 

Of course, I'll save a spot for you in the other place, too.


  1. "you stupid motherfucking dick-eating whore" LOVE IT!!! I'll be laughing about this all day!
    Frankly, I've already decorated my handbasket.
    Oooo, I want to know where you are giving the advice! What sort of questions? I'm going to assume it's a sex column?

  2. 1) how do you build your reader platform?
    2) what do you do to market yourself as a brand?
    3) favorite writer's resources websites?
    4) how do you attract agents?
    5) what is our purpose for living on planet earth?

  3. I'm just glad there will be interesting people to entertain me when I get to hell.

  4. You wanna call left or right side in that handbasket?

  5. Well, if you're going to hell I guess I'm going with you.

    Oh wait. I'm Jewish. We don't HAVE a hell!

    HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!

    (I can't think of anything to ask you. Can you give me a topic?)

  6. Obviously you and I will be in the riff-raff FREE Hell.

    WITH teleportation.


    p.s. What's the website? I need my questions to be specific. But I'm not a douchebag. Or a dick-eating whore. Usually.

  7. I'm trying to develop two technologies - the transporter (a la Star Trek) and the time machine (a la Back to the Future).

    My question is, once I have these, how do I best go about fucking with people? Obviously, with the transporter, tapping people on the shoulder and then disappearing will be great fun, but there must be something better.

    And traveling back in time - I mean, I'd love to go up to Napoleon Bonaparte and say "you are a no-talent ass clown," but will I need to learn French? If so, how do I say it in French? And will I need to wear all that stuffy clothing that they wore back then, or will the sight of a big guy just appearing, seemingly, from nowhere be enough that they'll take me seriously?

  8. Dear sweet mother of Juan.
    Since you've now enlightened me on me hereafter, I guess I can confess to my own failings as a Goddess.
    I curse people out in a manner that would make Satan blush; just ask my daughter ... because I fully believe everyone on the road is a fucking retarded-monkey ass-leper.
    And I know someone is going to take exception to the word "retarded" - I say, look up the definition, because I'm TAKING THAT WORD BACK! (The yelling was for the benefit of tree-huggers, whale humpers, and vapid people with no real personality, so they have to join *cause* groups they know nothing about, and HOA boards just to piss on all of our Cheerios.)
    I've unleashed on nuns - it happens. Some nuns ARE cunt faces, though I prefer to call them skellacunts. (I do confess I leave the funny old ones alone though. I do have some redeeming qualities.)
    .... Oh yeah, and some Amish guy on the ferry to the statue of liberty. ... (those are called jelly-fish fuck nut, not "toxic commercial runoff". I thought those people were book readers .. I mean, WTF? Really?)

    I am the riffraff - sadly. That's what happens when a hippy reproduces with the love child of Clint Eastwood and Grizzly Adams.
    So a question: If nuns are all the brides of the Big Man ... doesn't that make them celestial law-breaking polygamists?
    So see, those curses are justified by law, and *I'm quite sure* most HOA dictates in the state of Kentucky.

    God-speed my friend, stay thirsty.

  9. 1. How can I make enough money so I don't have to go to work tomorrow?

    2. How can I get everyone to do what I want them to do? I know best & I share the info & they still don't do it. WTF? It drives me crazy!!!

    3. What should I call my blog? Probably just Tumblr but the lack of a cool name is keeping me out of the game.

    I let loose a string of profanities on the most unhelpful Onstar customer service rep EVER, Gloria. Gave it everything I had. My husband's comment was, "I didn't know girls called other girls that." I emailed Onstar with some suggestions on how they could be more helpful, like use Google. I told them to listen to my calls to Gloria. They replied that they had listened to the calls, delt with the problem internally, and they gave me 200 free minutes. I hope she got fired.

  10. I'm pretty sure that the people who work in customer service and at Macy's are going to hell. I'll meet you in purgatory , with a bottle of wine and my filthiest jokes!!!! Xo


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