I got spam!
I NEVER get spam - evidently I'm not cool enough.
But I got some! And it was like this guy picked me out purposefully to send his blathering idiocy, because he knew exactly how much I needed that kind of boost. And also how receptive I'd be to it. Because the spam was all about how I should not date or marry American women.
I mean, I know that some people are actively involved in dating women from all over the globe, but for myself? I haven't dated anyone in so long, I can't imagine that if I did, I would stray farther than my own country, because I am, in fact, too lazy sometimes to go to the bathroom and just hope that if I stop drinking liquids, my body will, of its own volition, reclaim the liquid in my bladder for use in my . . . circulatory system? Why does your body need water, anyway? Or if I'm in the pool, we all know I'll just pee [Why wouldn't a guy want to date or marry an American woman? Haven't I just proved myself completely fucking charming?].
Anyway, as the husband and I were arguing last night before we got into bed [arguing because he was coming to bed at the same time I was, which is NOT DONE, as it does not give me ample time to lay on his pillows diagonally across the bed so that when I move over to my side, it's still nice and cool, so of course I was peevish because how was I going to fall asleep reading The Nancy Boys [my new name for the Nancy Drew series] when SOMEONE was on my/his side of the bed, making it impossible for me to get comfortable? And also? HE WAS WATCHING TV, which is only allowed in the bedroom on the weekends or when I'm sick or when I feel like it.], I realized that sometimes, the one you love is the one who will MAKE YOU LOSE YOUR FUCKING MIND.
Gah, where's the spam to not date or marry inconsiderate American men? Huh? WHERE IS IT? Oh, I guess it wouldn't be spam because IT WOULD BE TRUE AND WANTED.
What peeves you about your significant other? Is it using the word peeves? Also, did you ever think, when you first met, that there would come a day when you would whack [in a not really joking way] your significant other because he messed up the blankets as he got in the bed?
Me, neither.
My husband thinking he can read in bed when I am trying to sleep - AS IF.
ReplyDeleteShut that book before I beat you over the head with it mister!
Too funny....so true! I too hateit when my husband comes to bed with me because 1) he "thinks" he is gonna get some! This is not the case. 2) When he comes to bed at the same time he uses the bed as a trampoline! Horrible! He doesn't roll over like a normal person he puts all of his overweight body into it! Annoying men!!
ReplyDeleteLynn
Oh man this had me howling.
ReplyDeleteI actually like it when the hubs and I go to bed at the same time but it is so rare. I need my 8 hours fuh realz.
I get super unhappy when Drew doesn't go along with my ridiculous ideas, like when I decide we should only speak in movie quotes and he thinks that's childish and maybe not appropriate for when we're having dinner with his mom. His logic annoys the shit out of my sometimes.
ReplyDeleteWhat peeves me? When I cook something new, and my husband takes a taste, tilts his head and raises his eyes to the ceiling as he tries to decide if he likes it or not. I get this irrepressible urge to smack his head back on straight. Whack!
ReplyDeleteI read the title and thought that this post would be about Al and Peg. Now there is a marriage that spammer should seek to emmulate. I mean let's face it, its about as good as such a deuce can expect.
ReplyDeleteOnce I got a torrent of spam from one guy at BYU riddled with vitrol about "Fxgs" I almost devoted a post to his email and IP address, so everyone could contact him directly. then I realized, 6 reader emails probably would not discourage the guy.
Where should I start???
ReplyDelete1. His family
2. His "my family is perfect, how dare you criticize them" attitude when they are total assholes
3. His hoarding
4. He waits till all the towels, underwear, socks, etc. are dirty before washing any.
5. His inability to see dishes around the house.
6. His inability to put dishes in the dishwasher instead of on the dishwasher.
7. He doesn't understand regular bedtime, wakeup time, & meal times for the kid.
8. His big boy tools & all the upkeep they require.
That spam guy's been making the rounds. Doesn't he even have his own blog about that?
ReplyDeleteI too hate it when The Man comes to bed at the same time as I. But mostly it's his snoring that drives me batshit. OH, and his karate gi. He never hangs it up after a sweat session so it can properly dry out. We'll be getting divorced over that one day.
Whhha..
ReplyDeletehuh?
Where my books at?
I'll be back after I figure out wtf happened...
I am so glad you mentioned this spammer dude. We all get his stupid email-I got one just today-and we all do not mention it because (I think) we all think...the only way to handle a crackpot like this is to ignore him. And I've kind of admired that group think of ours across the internet. In fact, I've felt a sisterhood growing around our refusal to give this ahole the attention he seems to be so desperately looking for. But at the same time, I've wanted to respond. And you. You found the perfect balance. Yay you. Now, ok, let's band together and think of a really good way to shut him down. Who's an IRS agent for one, because I'm thinking where's there is anti-american smoke there's fire. Anyway, on to the rest of your post...I feel the same way about the bedtime thing. But it is all down to routine and childraising. There was a day when we went to bed together...yes....and good things happened. One of them is sleeping between us every night now, as a matter of fact. And then I think, ok, this can't go on much longer, after all, he's going to start getting hairy at some point...but he's the last one and we just can't seem to bring ourselves to make the little bugger go sleep in his own damn bed. Call it love, call it middle-age, call it birth control, but whatever it is, it is dysfunctional in kind of a very functional way:-)
ReplyDeleteSinging "The more you love someone / The more you want to kill ‘em / Loving and killing / Fit like hand in glove!"
ReplyDeleteWe all have our moments of "OMG OMG OMG" with someone you live with every day, don't we?
ReplyDeleteSO Bedtime
ReplyDelete1. He snores, loudly I might add. I snore too but nearly as loud.
2. He flip flops all night, therefore either banging me in the head or face and waking me out of a dead sleep.
3. He talks in his sleep. The first time he did this it scared me half to death.
4. He has RLS (Restless Leg Syndrome) which keeps both of us up while he rocks back and forth.
On a happier bedtime note:
He hates sleeping without me next to him. He will roll over and wrap himself around me and hug me until we fall asleep.
My hubs and I rarely go to bed at the same time. Or get up at the same time for that matter. We have this staggered sleep schedule thing going on.
ReplyDeleteWhat's annoying me the most about him lately is his that his crap - wallet, keys, phone, hat - don't have a place to live. So he leaves them all in the middle of our small dining table. Arg.
Ever notice how annoying their chewing or even more so, their breathing can be? What's up with that and why won't you stop?
ReplyDeletehmm... he's perfect in every way. i just notice shit that isn't there...
ReplyDeleteWhy can't a 48-year-old man remember to chew with his mouth closed? he makes so much noise when he eats, I can hear him from the other end of the house!
ReplyDeleteI'm not even going to start. Because if I do, I'll get all resentful and most likely spit in his tea. Which he doesn't drink. Which means I am drinking a cup of spit tea. But it's okay because it's my spit.
ReplyDeleteLet's just agree he is annoying as fuck. MORE than fuck even.
I am curious to know what it is about American women that the spam finds so unpalatable....
I love "The Nancy Boys"
ReplyDeleteYes, a hearty congratulations on your visit from Mr. Do Not Date American Women. You've arrived.
Watch out, better start doing word verification to keep the spam (as in "one" spam) away!!! :) I rarely hardly ever get spam. I'm always amazed to hear people complain about it. They must be lying.
ReplyDeleteHe can get the heat of rage in the pit of my stomach roasting like no one else! GAH... where to begin. lol
ReplyDeleteI got that spam once! And I heeded its advice. I haven't dated an American woman in about a year and a half. Well, unless you count the fake Canadian who was actually American but has since been granted Canadian citizenship. Gray area. The spam didn't address that.
ReplyDeleteGoing in, all young and stupid, it's love love love until then one day that motherfucker buys orange juice with pulp in it or Mircale Whip Light, or tries to have a conversation while The Wire is on, or picks his teeth with those goddamn flossers WHILE NOT IN THE BATHROOM WITH THE DOOR CLOSED, or turns off Citizen Cope. Who the fuck turns off Citizen Cope? It's just wrong. Sometimes, I see the cast iron skillet and his head and the blood and the tarp and the crawl space and the oh woe is me, he must have left us story on the news.
ReplyDeleteAnd WordPress is having serious issues right now. I should have stuck w/Blogger b/c the amount of spam I'm getting right now is irking me more than orange juice with little bits of string that should only be inside the orange, not my glass.