Monday, June 11, 2012

And this is why Tim Horton's is better than your local bakery

When the girl comes home, the snacks come back.

I seldom buy anything snack-y for the husband and me.  I'll get a jar of popcorn and make that, but as we are getting older, we're cutting the delicious/unhealthy foods out of our lives.  Because there is nothing like trying to live longer by making the whole thing completely fucking unbearable.

Until the girl is on premises.

Then I go kind of nuts. I mean, I have End Times Shopping tendencies, anyway, and tend to stockpile things, but when the girl is coming? I go all out on the treats.  I buy bags of chips and sodas and sweet bits of deliciousness.  Not that she even eats them, too much, but because I need to show my love somehow, and evidently individually wrapped snack products is the way I do it.

I decided she needed donuts, and further decided that I'd get them from the local SO AWESOME YOU MUST GET DONUTS HERE bakery.

So I run into the store on my way to work from MAMMOGRAM TIME and ask for chocolate topped glazed donuts.

And the lady tells me they're out.

Now, I can actually SEE an ass ton of regular glazed yeast donuts sitting on the shelf.  And I'm pretty certain there's some sort of tub of chocolate topping in the back where they make the donuts.  But whatever, I don't have time to argue, and my boobs were just squished flat, so I don't want any more aggravation in my life. I figure I'll just stop in after water aerobics on Saturday morning[which is when I believe 95% of donuts are purchased], because there is no fucking way the girl is going to be up before 9:30am on the weekend, particularly when she's been on the Percocet.

So I stop in the next morning, still smelling vaguely of chlorine [and probably other people's urine, right?] and guess what? YES! THOSE FUCKERS WERE OUT OF THE FUCKING DONUTS. AGAIN. HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN?  I didn't even have the words, just shook my head in disbelief, pushed over a display case in anger, and left.

I went to Tim Horton's, where I kind of scared the little teenage girl who was working her first day:

Me: Are those chocolate topped donuts yeast donuts or cake?
TeenyTimHortonette: ???
TTH: [Eyes wide, backing away] I . . . uh . . . I don't know.
Me: Can you bring me one so I can look at it?
TTH: Uh . . . [why didn't I get that job at McDonalds?] . . . sure.
Me: [Leaning over and examining the donut as if it were a particularly interesting piece of artwork] EXCELLENT! I WILL TAKE A DOZEN, PLEASE.

In sum:

Local bakeries can kiss my fucking ass.  Tim Horton's ROCKS.


  1. Stopping by on (demand)advice from MuffintopMommy. Hilarious. Not the donut shop being out of the only good kind of donut that exists, of course. That just rots. But this is funny. I'm thinkin' I'm a new fan.

    Poor TeenyTimHortonette...

  2. Teeny Tim Hortonette.....priceless! Thank you for writing the type of shit I scream inside my head!

  3. Sounds to me like your local bakers need to pull their heads out of their asses. It's early morning and evidently you sell out of these freaking donuts every. single. day. Make MORE.

  4. The Krispy Kreme nearest me (which was never actually "near") closed. Dunkin Donuts no longer makes the donuts; they're shipped in daily which means if you don't have one before rush hour ends that shit is harder than the bottom of my unpedicured foot. DC's idea of "local bakery" is assholes who sell $6 cupcakes. From this you should render it's been a hell of a long time since I've had pastry.

    1. LMAO. You're so right about Dunks. Sell outs!

  5. now i can't stop thinking about donuts. you know what i do? i go on juice cleanses (aka starvation) because "it's good to give your system a break from food" (because that makes sense). I really just want to punch people in the face until I eat solid food again.

    i could live on snacks and sugar. but then i'd have to give up my clothes for a robe or a tent. that actually doesn't sound so bad.

  6. In Texas, all the donut shops are operated by Asian people. I wonder why.

  7. Hilarious! This is my favourite part though: "Because there is nothing like trying to live longer by making the whole thing completely fucking unbearable."

    THAT IS SO TRUE IT MAKES ME WANT TO CRY!!! Stupid health. It sucks so hard.


    okay, nevermind, but you just kind of fizzed right over a mammogram in this post so I don't know if I should congratulate you on your easy-breeziness, or just yearn for donuts.

  8. Praise Jeebus that I'm not the only one who pushes over display cases in anger and terrorizes slow-moving teen clerks. I knew I liked you.

  9. I want a Tim Horton donut STAT. Damn you for even mentioning their goodness. xo

  10. This made me laugh out loud -- which is particularly impressive as I was on a conference call.

    I remember, working at Dunkin' Donuts, when one of the precursors to Curves moved in next door . . . I swear, I sold no more donuts than when the Saturday morning class let out. And, I'm pretty sure, most of the dozens of donuts I sold were to single, recently-divorced women.

    But now I want coffee. And a glazed sour cream.

    (you'll never, ever see me eat a filled donut, ever -- I had to wake up at 4am to get to the shop by 5 (this was before I could drive, so I'd walk there) during my summer vacation, where I'd start grinding coffee and take the donut shells (made that day, even earlier, at another Dunkin' Donuts) and fill them with creme, and jelly, and chocolate, and whatever the hell else that you can't help but think that it looks like poo after dealing with it for long enough)

  11. I love you for suggesting you might smell like other people's urine...

    When we do finally meet in person, I promise not to pee in the pool.


  12. I read the title of this post and it made me smile so much that the tween across from me on the bus had to get up and move himself to another seat. And End of Times Tendencies? Just when I thought I couldn't love you more...

  13. Tim Hortons is good. But my new local doughnut bakery (which fortunately isn't all that local, or my ass would have tripled in size in the last month), Suzy Q Doughnuts, is incomparable. Maple Bacon. MAPLE BACON DOUGHNUTS.

  14. Can I say fuck you? Damn it woman. I come along because I need a Suni fix and you give me this shit? Damn wrong fucking day to decide I'm going back on the health wagon. and Timmies is a half mile walk away. That is a two minute drive!

  15. We don't have Tim Horton's here. I'm thinking this is a good thing.

    I am jealous of the girl because a) her young metabolism can eat donuts and b) she has someone awesome buy them FOR her.

    I hope she knows how lucky she is.

  16. I haven't had a donut in for-freakin-ever. Thanks a lot for reminding me that they exist and that I must have one RIGHT NOW.

  17. Never get between a woman and her donuts.

  18. My take-away on this post? Your daughter has Percocet. As a responsible parent you need to make sure she doesn't take it and grows through the pain. Then if it ends up in your medicine cabinet well, that's called love. She'll thank you for it or not but you'll be so blissed out on that stuff it won't matter.

    p.s. this is why I don't have kids

  19. "Because there is nothing like trying to live longer by making the whole thing completely fucking unbearable." <--- Word.

    We're supposed to cut back on all the good stuff as we get older? THIS SYSTEM IS BROKEN. For each age milestone that we make it to, we should be rewarded with a higher daily caloric intake, until one day we just explode in a burst of sugar and happiness.

  20. New to the blogging world. Consider me a fan. I love that you tell it like it is! Too funny! I wish I had the balls to curse more on my blog. Baby steps... I'll get there. Thanks for the inspiration.

  21. I do the "don't bring yummy things into the house" too, but somehow I accidentally just put a whole pan of chocolate chip cookies into the oven. I tripped. Whoops.
    That's why I love visiting the nieces' house. It's like freakin' Willy Wonka's at their place, 24-7. Their tired mom gave up trying to make them eat healthy things YEARS ago godblessher.


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