IT IS MY BIRTHDAY, BITCHES

You were wondering why your day was so sweet, weren't you?

It's because I was born on this day, 45 years ago. Yes! The universe is celebrating my existence. As should we all.

I know, this may have sprung up on you at the last minute. That's ok. People get busy. I understand that.  Luckily, I accept late gifts/accolades/well-wishes.

I do NOT accept American Express.

Because I am turning a Big Deal Birthday Number, I feel like I should do something spectacular, so I'm going to follow in the steps of Evel Kneival and Fonzi and Homer Simpson and ride my motorcycle across the Grand Canyon or over a shark or Springfield Gorge.

Wait. Those are all guys, and idiots, and I am NOT a guy OR an idiot, so instead I will forge my own path in celebrating this milestone by taking some time to reflect on my past and ponder my future and connect with the now.

No, I won't be doing that, either, because reflecting on my past just makes me dwell on the bad stuff and pondering my future just makes me depressed because I don't ever think I'll be living my dreams and connecting with the now means I have to accept the fact that my bathroom sink faucet is STILL dripping and I haven't done anything about it yet.

Instead, I'm going to make my birthday wish and work hard to make it come true. 

What's my wish? I can't tell you - do you not understand how birthday wishes work? What I CAN tell you is that if you make a birthday wish on someone else's birthday and they give you permission to do so, your wish has a 48% greater chance of coming true than a wish made on any other day.

So go ahead. Make a birthday wish. You don't even have to make it a wish about me, although I wouldn't complain if you did, what with not giving me a present.

See? I even give on my birthday. You're welcome.