Tuesday, August 13, 2013

IT IS MY BIRTHDAY, BITCHES

You were wondering why your day was so sweet, weren't you?

It's because I was born on this day, 45 years ago. Yes! The universe is celebrating my existence. As should we all.

I know, this may have sprung up on you at the last minute. That's ok. People get busy. I understand that.  Luckily, I accept late gifts/accolades/well-wishes.

I do NOT accept American Express.

Because I am turning a Big Deal Birthday Number, I feel like I should do something spectacular, so I'm going to follow in the steps of Evel Kneival and Fonzi and Homer Simpson and ride my motorcycle across the Grand Canyon or over a shark or Springfield Gorge.

Wait. Those are all guys, and idiots, and I am NOT a guy OR an idiot, so instead I will forge my own path in celebrating this milestone by taking some time to reflect on my past and ponder my future and connect with the now.

No, I won't be doing that, either, because reflecting on my past just makes me dwell on the bad stuff and pondering my future just makes me depressed because I don't ever think I'll be living my dreams and connecting with the now means I have to accept the fact that my bathroom sink faucet is STILL dripping and I haven't done anything about it yet.

Instead, I'm going to make my birthday wish and work hard to make it come true. 

What's my wish? I can't tell you - do you not understand how birthday wishes work? What I CAN tell you is that if you make a birthday wish on someone else's birthday and they give you permission to do so, your wish has a 48% greater chance of coming true than a wish made on any other day.

So go ahead. Make a birthday wish. You don't even have to make it a wish about me, although I wouldn't complain if you did, what with not giving me a present.

See? I even give on my birthday. You're welcome.

15 comments:

  1. HAPPY BIRTHDAY QUEEN SUNNY!!!

    That's all I got. I defer my wish to you, as my own of becoming independently wealthy and living on a deserted island to cultivate my Zen garden and perfect the "Baywatch" jog is slowly fading away...

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  2. Hope you have a wonderful birthday!!

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  3. So that explains why I woke up in such a good mood today when I perpetually wake pissed at the world. Thank you for being born so that I can have one good day a year. I hope you have a fabulous day and all your wishes come true. (Note I did not WISH that your wish comes true because then it wouldn't cuz I told you my wish.)

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  4. My wish is that no one tries to put on your dress at your mammogram appointment.

    (Crap. I said it out loud. Better luck next year.)

    XOXO for reals.

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  5. Yeah. I had a big fucking birthday on Saturday. 50. Know what I got? A broken fucking tooth. Gah. It's about to wipe out my savings account.

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  6. Happy Birthday, Suniverse. I'm sending you a dancing monkey. Hey, is that your door bell? Wow, that dancing monkey company is super fast. Enjoy!

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  7. You are a gift to me this week, Sunni. "It's my birthday, bitches!" Oh, thank you so much. xo

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  8. I bought a copy of your book for me, to celebrate your birthday.

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  9. Happy Birthday! Belated.... like everything else in my life.

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  10. I just wished for you to have an awesome birthday weekend. Leaky faucets be damned.

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  11. Happy Birthday, friend! I wish for you to have everything you want (even if I am a few days late)

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Every time you comment, I get a lady boner.