Blech and Meh

* One friend canceling plans because she had to go to work.

* Another friend canceling tentative New Year's Eve plans.

* Finding out I got a B- in one of my classes

**This gets its own subheading, because I feel like all I do is study and read and read supplemental material and go to class and take notes and I'm still getting shitty grades.

***This is horrifying, since my student loans mean I'm going to have to get a decent job, and my grades mean that it's going to be very, very, very hard.

****It's also horrifying because I thought I was smart, and particularly if I applied myself, I could do anything. When did I get to be so stupid?

******Is it early onset Alzheimers?

* Another friend who is . . . well, we've known each other for years, and for the past 15-20, I've realized that she tends to view me not as someone who is a good friend but as someone who is around when it's convenient for her. That's on my nerves all the time. Last time she was in town, she said we'd meet up for Christmas, but suddenly - after E called to find out when/if they'd be up, because I wasn't going to call because I knew it wasn't going to happen - they might be able to see us for a bit tonight before they leave. And then, well, they left late so we won't be seeing them at all. Hmm . . . nice.

* Still, it's been an o.k. quiet day, which I really needed. I finished up part of my project, and I'm just trying to relax. Got some more Sopranos from Netflix, and tomorrow we're going to the museum, and E picked up carryout for dinner, so neither of us had to cook, and Brain Regan is on Comedy Central and there's a What Not To Wear marathon on, so it's pretty good.

Is it Thursday already?

Happy Holidays.

I've been a dervish and I'm pretty tired. So tired, I'm actually getting a wrinkle in the corner of my eye. I have zero wrinkles (but a nicely furrowed brow) thanks the lovely (greasy) Mediterranean skin I'm sporting, but every once in a while, when I'm wiped out, I'll get a line extending from the corner of my eye, like when I squint, but it doesn't go away right away. It's very weird. I'll spend several minutes in the bathroom mirror, squinting and stretching my eyes, thinking how cool it looks.

I finished my exams and my paper and am working on my freelance project and finished E's birthday (Brian Regan DVDs and gloves that didn't fit! So, an errand for me! A little something for both of us.), finished a job interview (which I didn't get - I'm a little tired of all this fucking rejection), finished the fucking cookie party (seriously, I fucking hate kids), finished shopping and wrapping and cooking and visiting - on, no wait! NOT FINISHED visiting.

Because I have zero sense of time, I figure I can fit in everyone I haven't seen in the past 3-6-12 months in the space of a week. It's making me pooped. I took tonight off to do some work and ended up sitting on the couch half-reading (The Goblet of Fire - again), half-zoning out.

Also, I had a giant chin hair that nobody told me about. Plucked that fucker right out. But I wonder how anyone could have missed it. It was HUGE.

Did you ever wonder what it would be like to be the person you wanted to be? How can you make yourself that strong?

O.k., enough random yammering. I'm going to bed.

Woohoo!

Turned in my paper!

Finished my exam (with a very cramped hand)!

And I'm done for the semester!

YAY ME!

Now, time to take charge of all the life stuff I shoved by the wayside and get myself in gear and have some fun!

Happy Tuesday night!

My Paper

Is DONE!

Back to studying for my last final.

OMG I'm STARVING

Seriously. I could eat my own head. I just handed E 2 pyrex baking dishes full of meat products to grill - not that I'll eat them all (right now) but just because I'M SO HUNGRY I couldn't stop prepping food.

So he's out in the Winter Storm of '07 grilling. What a guy.

We went out to dinner at some friends' house last night and it was a lot of fun. As we were coming home, around 11pm, the snow was starting in earnest. It was quiet and pretty (our town is not a hotbed of nighttime activity) and when I woke up this morning (for the final time) we had about 8 or so inches of snow on the ground.

We were supposed to get more, but got maybe another 1/2 inch. Still, I like snow when I don't have to go anywhere.

I spent the day finishing my paper and tonight and tomorrow I'm going to review for my LAST. FINAL. Oh, sweet release.

Mmm . . . the bacon needs turning. Enjoy your evening!

Learning Stuff About Myself

I'm finally home after a long day out and I'm tired. Still have some work to do, but I'm thrilled to be home.

Which is weird, because growing up, the last place I EVER wanted to be was home.

It took me a while to realize that being at home - MY HOME, that I created - didn't have to suck. In my house, I could create a space that I liked. It's still a work in progress, but it's still mine.

Right now, there are papers covering every available space (including the ottoman and part of the couch) but I'm glad I'm here.

*****

One of the things I did today was start physical therapy for my knee (and feet). My knee tends to buckle - it feels like it's no longer there. So one of the things the PT did was use electrical stimulation on the area around my knee. This completely freaked me out. Which kind of freaked out the people around me. I explained that I suffer from crippling anxiety and was afraid I'd die or something, and they were very nice about it. One woman said she'd be right next to me in the next cube. Another gave me a bell in case I needed her.

That was weird. I very seldom tell people about my anxiety because I feel like such an idiot, but it felt good to let them know and even if they do think I'm a freak? Well, what else is new?

One Down

Finished an exam today. Am procrastinating like CRAZY on my paper. Must start studying for next final.

I'm in need of a haircut, but I kind of want to grow it longer. I need to do something, though, because by the end of the exam, when I had spent over 3 hours running my hands through my hair, I had giant hair. Seriously. I looked like this:



Except my mustache and beard are less noticeable and I'm a bit grayer.

The best part of the exam is that about 2 1/2 hours in, my stomach started growling REALLY REALLY LOUD. Like I'd burned 8,000 calories trying to figure out if a b c or d was the best answer and I needed nutrients RIGHT NOW.

Wednesday Night. 9:00 p.m. Do You Know Where Your Children Are?

E is working crazy hours. He's worked the past 2 weekends and will work this weekend, too. And I have finals. And the girl is sick. And we have done no shopping for the holidays or E's birthday. And I haven't even taken the girl's picture to put in the holiday cards that are staring at me (from under a pile of papers on the bench - What? I can feel their judgmental eyes.).

On the plus side, I've finished studying for one exam, and I'm about 1/2 way done with my paper (which is the same 1/2 way done I've been for about the past 3 or 4 days now). Also, my sister will take the girl to get her hair cut this weekend while E is working and I'm having studying group sessions. So that's awesome.

However, have you seen the holiday stamps? Maybe it's just the craptastic post office I went to, but my choices were overtly religious (thanks, though) and these shitty ass knitting stamps. Seriously. Are you fucking kidding me with these? THIS is the best you could do?



(Yes, I know they're backwards. I took them on the webcam. They're still ugly facing forward.)

Who picks these? This is the best option of all the holiday entries? Did NO ONE else enter? How hideous were the other entries, if there were any? Like they'd blind you hideous?

Anyway, I need to actually write something today. I should probably start on that.

All Work and No Play

Makes me something something.

Sunday. It's Better Than Nothing.

I went swimming this morning (I love swimming indoors when it's 28 degrees. God bless civilization.) and it was fun, except for the very young kid (I'd say 5/6 - 10 years old) swim meet and the SHRIEKING girls in the shower who would NOT SHUT THE FUCK UP. Gah. Stupid kids.

While I was out, I stopped at the market and bought myself some things I like to eat. This sounds innocuous, yes? Not really. I tend not to purchase things I enjoy. Or ask for them. Very sad, but true. So, after E spoke firmly last night reminding me of this defect in my personality ("Why the fuck won't you just tell me what you want and then have it?"), I thought, you know what? WHY DON'T I? (I know the reasons I don't. Or didn't.) So I've decided to get stuff I like. It was VERY HARD, though. I found myself justifying the purchase of a wedge of parmesan ($5) because I'm going to make lasagna for E's birthday and not just use it on my salads (mmmm . . . shaved parmesan). Still, I didn't buy anything specifically for E or the girl. That's progress. And next time I go to Target? I'm buying baked Doritos.

I just finished a 5 hour study session with a friend. I like studying with other people, because then I'm not always to blame for taking breaks!

Back to the grind.

Just Real Quick

I spent the morning shopping - I haven't been yet this holiday season and I cannot believe how dead the mall was. Macy's was having a giant hullabaloo sale and my sister, my mom, my daughter and I were the only people in some sections of the store. That does not bode well.

On the plus side, I got a cute dress, a jacket, a top, a pair of jeans and 3 shirts for the girl for $109. I know. I was surprised, too. I love sales.

And now, my feet hurt, I have 20 pages to read, and I have to leave for the girl's choir concert in 45 minutes.

Have a good evening!

What I've Been Listening To

iPod Shuffle Top Ten

Dirty Mack - Ice Cube
Working Class Hero - Green Day
Stairway to Heaven - Led Zeppelin
Fidelio Act1 /9: Duett: Jetzt Alter Jetza has Eile! - Beethoven
Symphony No. 5 in C Minor - Beethoven
Christmas is Coming - John Denver and the Muppets
String Serenade E Major op. 22 (4. Larghetto) - Dvorak
Flesh for Fantasy - Billy Idol
Round & Around - Alana Davis
Do What You Wanna: Mr. Scruff's Soul Party Mix - Ramsey Lewis

Because today I actually did some work!

(I highly recommend the Ramsey Lewis tune - it's off of Verve Remix #2. I love Verve Remix).

Today I . . .

* Did 6 loads of laundry
* Ran the dishwasher
* Emptied the dishwasher
* Read everything on the internet
* Watched 2 episodes of Dharma and Greg (Why? I have no idea.)
* Rode the exercise bike
* Showered
* Made dinner
* Talked to my kid
* DID NOT A LICK OF STUDYING

Wow. I just can't seem to make myself care until my back is against the wall. That would be tomorrow.

How's YOUR Day Going?

I just talked to a friend who was stressing because she is only studying 6 or 7 hours a day for exams.

I told her to stop calling me during "What Not To Wear. "

So very tasty.

I should not be allowed to bring pistachios into the house.

My tongue burns from the salt.