Thursday, November 18, 2010

Dear Gwyneth Paltrow [Redux]

Dear Gwyneth,

Even though we've never met, you've been a barnacle on the ship of my life.

Remember when I tried to explain to you how annoying you were?  And then when I expounded on that to the point where my post was the number one result on Google for Gwyneth K. Paltrow [that's right, bitches]?  Remember?

I thought you'd learned your lesson.

I thought you'd go back to your GOOP-y existence and be a goober on my periphery.

I thought you'd do the decent thing and stay out of my world.

I was mistaken.

Because now?  NOW?  You have done me so, so wrong. 

You have glommed on to Glee, Gwyneth K. Paltrow, and I am not amused.

This makes me so, so angry.  And sad.  But mostly angry.
I love Glee.   I love the songs.  I love the dances.  I love Puck [oh, yes I do!].

Um. Hell. Yes.
I love Glee so much I wrote an essay that's in a book about Glee.  About loving Glee!
You know what doesn't fill me with Glee?  GP!

I do not love you.

I certainly do not love your wooden acting.

But I love even less your atonal caterwauling singing.

Really?  The CMAs, too?  It's like you can't stop yourself.
While I have promised to watch the Glee episode, and I will, I just want you to know that you have crossed a line.  I was ready to leave you alone, but you have sneaked onto my turf and that will not stand.

It is ON.



Mama's Losin' It


  1. I love Gweneth Paltrow. She's cool. But, I'm sort of a celeb ho so I like all of them. Except the ones that suck really badly.

  2. Too funny that you were my first thought as I sat down to watch the Glee episode.

    I agree with you about the Gloop (Goop? Huh?) thing and the air of pretension and the stupid names for her kids, etc. etc. etc.


    I didn't hate the episode. I actually enjoyed it. (Cringing as I'm sure you're looking for something to throw at me.)

    Can't wait to hear what you think.

  3. When I was watching Glee, I was thought of you.

    I realize that people don't choose their names. It's really not her fault. But my least favorite thing about Gwyneth K. Paltrow is that mess of consonants at the beginning of her name. Petty, right?

  4. I remember your last open letter to her, I think!

    I hate all rich women who can have all the children they want, all the nannies and help they want, and designer sweaters for their children.

  5. And how badly did she SUCK on that episode? She can't dance, she can't sing and she can't act. It was the worst episode of Glee I've seen. She stunk up the whole thing.

  6. This is a riot! I loved it. Don't smack me but, I have never seen Glee.

  7. I also was perturbed when I saw she was going to be on Glee. Why is she so tall? And annoying? Why can't I be on Glee? She stinks.

  8. ACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    How can you be SO MUCH like me.

    I hate the chick.

    Boring face, boring voice, boring acting.


    And her interview about being on GLee?

    MORE of guess what?

    B O R I N G

    "It was really great, it was so cool, I really liked it, It was so neat, I had such a good time..."

    blah blah blah

    So glad it's on.

    And your essay, there. How cool!

    That would be an interesting post. how that came to be.

  9. i thought she sang very well. although if i had that much money i'd 1) have way better hair and 2) do something about my lisp. her dancing was comical, she reminded me of an over-sized turtle fighting to come out of her shell.

    can we talk about how much we love kurt?

    can we also talk about how i always seem to cry during glee?

  10. I love Gwyneth K. Paltrow, but only because she inspires you to write hysterical hateful missives about her.

  11. The downside of your Gwyneth hatred is that I can never see her now without thinking of you. It's like you are paired in my mind. Like Ricky and Lucy. Like Fred and Barney. Like the Odd Couple. The upside is that doesn't really bother me much. And now I'm picturing a reality show sort of like Big Brother except it's just you and Gwyneth. You could blog and say sarcastic things to her all day and night, and she would just carry on obliviously, slapping small children who stumble in her path, sneering at teenage boys who work up their courage enough to ask for an autograph...hey, there could be a book deal in it for you even. WTF Chicken. What are you talking about? Oops. I have to go Suniverse. Time for the meds.

  12. Gwyneth K. Paltrow scares me. I'm pretty sure the "K" stand for "Kill Me Because I Suck."

  13. Killing time on this cold afternoon, waiting for a school bus, and found this:

    (Sorry this link won't work here, but please cut and paste.)

    Had you seen this? Seems like she's dissing Robert Downey Jr...and boy, do I love me some RDJr.

  14. Gangly

    Watch Gary Busey on Celebrity Apprentice and you will see why I wrote that. Watch the 4/3/11 episode, it's the best episode of reality tv EVER.

    And sorry I'm stalking you with Gary. But based on your blog, yeah I think you would totally LOVE how batshit crazy he is!!!


Every time you comment, I get a lady boner.