Finally, FINALLY got an appointment for a massage.
After 1 & 1/2 years of NO massages [amazingly, no job = no money = no luxuries. Fuckers.], I made an appointment.
Which I then I had to reschedule.
Which my masseuse [I need a better word here. Body rubber? No, that's even weirder.] had to reschedule.
And then TA DA! The day finally came.
And I forgot how weird it is to get a massage.
Because there's the whole being naked and being touched by someone [I'm assuming] you aren't having sex with [unless your partner is actually adept at giving you a massage without inflicting pain, unlike some people I could name] [or you're starring in a porno] [or I guess if you're at the doctor] [I don't know your life]. Plus, you're giving them money to do this.
There's also the should I keep my underwear on or take them off? dilemma.
And the awkward tell me about your body discussion [you know, where does it hurt? not please explain that mole or elaborate mythological tattoo].
And the realization that you [I] haven't shaved your legs in a really, really long time. Or your armpits. [What? I'm feeling European. Plus, it's cold, and I need an extra layer of warmth.].
And there's the hope that you don't smell because you [I] haven't showered yet.
And then the sweet relief of having your body rubbed [seriously, there has to be some better way to put this] - or in my case, the constant tensing in pain because OW OW OW do I have some knots on my body.
And then the immediate, pressing need to PEE RIGHT THIS SECOND, HOLY GOD, CAN I RUN TO THE BATHROOM NAKED? Am I the only one who has to pee like this?
So, yeah. I had a massage, and it was good.
Had one. Once. No thanks. Too weird for me.
ReplyDeleteme=jealous
ReplyDeleteyou know what's even stranger? paying someone a shit ton of money to shoot intense light all over your face in an effort to stay forever young...
ReplyDeleteI've never had a real massage. You know, by someone I'm paying and not sleeping with. But I need to start going for acupuncture for my bruised tailbone, and I imagine this is more or less how the session will go. Especially when I have to describe that the pain I'm feeling is actually in my ass.
ReplyDeleteOh my gosh, you are so funny. I have to figure out how to tweet this out.
ReplyDeleteCuz I'm a dunce like that.
This cracked me up.
Esp the "no name bad massager who shall remain nameless)
Oh, you are funny.
I've never had a massage. I think it's something I should do but I just can't get over the whole naked touching thing.
ReplyDeleteHey, that's what I do! We like to be called "massage therapists."
ReplyDeleteHere is some insight: Don't bother shaving your legs unless you want to. Underwear? You can leave them on if you're more comfy. No worries. And if you have to pee during a massage, ask if there's a robe available for you to change into.
Yesterday, while giving a 90 minute massage I had to take a massive dump. Thankfully my client was gracious enough to forgive me leaving the room for a few minutes. Hey, if you gotta go, you gotta go, right?
I hate when a masseuse tries to talk to me during a massage. STFU! I didn't pay $60 to hear you yack, I paid you to rub off my f'in cellulite, so do it already, quietly.
ReplyDeleteSheesh...
You should visit my blog. You might like me.
I'm with you. Massages are like exercise. They make you feel good when they are over and they are good for you. I don't like them but I desperately need one.
ReplyDelete