Monday, February 21, 2011

Massages can give me angst. Yeah, I know. What doesn't?

Finally, FINALLY got an appointment for a massage. 

After 1 & 1/2 years of NO massages [amazingly, no job = no money = no luxuries.  Fuckers.], I made an appointment. 
 
Which I then I had to reschedule. 

Which my masseuse [I need a better word here.  Body rubber?  No, that's even weirder.] had to reschedule. 

And then TA DA!  The day finally came.

And I forgot how weird it is to get a massage.

Because there's the whole being naked and being touched by someone [I'm assuming] you aren't having sex with [unless your partner is actually adept at giving you a massage without inflicting pain, unlike some people I could name] [or you're starring in a porno] [or I guess if you're at the doctor] [I don't know your life].  Plus, you're giving them money to do this.

There's also the should I keep my underwear on or take them off? dilemma.

And the awkward tell me about your body discussion [you know, where does it hurt? not please explain that mole or elaborate mythological tattoo].

And the realization that you [I] haven't shaved your legs in a really, really long time.  Or your armpits.  [What?  I'm feeling European.  Plus, it's cold, and I need an extra layer of warmth.].

And there's the hope that you don't smell because you [I] haven't showered yet.

And then the sweet relief of having your body rubbed [seriously, there has to be some better way to put this] - or in my case, the constant tensing in pain because OW OW OW do I have some knots on my body.

And then the immediate, pressing need to PEE RIGHT THIS SECOND, HOLY GOD, CAN I RUN TO THE BATHROOM NAKED? Am I the only one who has to pee like this?

So, yeah.  I had a massage, and it was good.

9 comments:

  1. Had one. Once. No thanks. Too weird for me.

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  2. you know what's even stranger? paying someone a shit ton of money to shoot intense light all over your face in an effort to stay forever young...

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  3. I've never had a real massage. You know, by someone I'm paying and not sleeping with. But I need to start going for acupuncture for my bruised tailbone, and I imagine this is more or less how the session will go. Especially when I have to describe that the pain I'm feeling is actually in my ass.

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  4. Oh my gosh, you are so funny. I have to figure out how to tweet this out.

    Cuz I'm a dunce like that.

    This cracked me up.

    Esp the "no name bad massager who shall remain nameless)

    Oh, you are funny.

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  5. I've never had a massage. I think it's something I should do but I just can't get over the whole naked touching thing.

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  6. Hey, that's what I do! We like to be called "massage therapists."
    Here is some insight: Don't bother shaving your legs unless you want to. Underwear? You can leave them on if you're more comfy. No worries. And if you have to pee during a massage, ask if there's a robe available for you to change into.

    Yesterday, while giving a 90 minute massage I had to take a massive dump. Thankfully my client was gracious enough to forgive me leaving the room for a few minutes. Hey, if you gotta go, you gotta go, right?

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  7. I hate when a masseuse tries to talk to me during a massage. STFU! I didn't pay $60 to hear you yack, I paid you to rub off my f'in cellulite, so do it already, quietly.

    Sheesh...

    You should visit my blog. You might like me.

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  8. I'm with you. Massages are like exercise. They make you feel good when they are over and they are good for you. I don't like them but I desperately need one.

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Every time you comment, I get a lady boner.