Wednesday, May 25, 2011

There is no reason these guys should still be making movies.

As I may have mentioned before, we watch a lot of movies.  Not at the theater - no, we're pretty bad about actually organizing ourselves to get to a theater and see a movie before it hits video [we had high hopes for The King's Speech, especially when it was playing at a second run artsy-type theater nearby, but somehow the three of us could not get our schedules together for any one showing.  Not that we're fabulous and have all kinds of cool stuff to do.  Mostly because we commit to things we should do and no that we necessarily want to do.  We suck that way.].

Where the hell was I?

Anyway, we watch a lot of movies and we also get Entertainment Weekly - because I enjoy reading about television shows I'd never, in a million years, watch.  Not even when suffering from horrific insomnia.  That's what DVDs are for.  But because of this confluence of events, I tend to get info on what's happening in the movies and am able, because of my gimlet eye, to spot trends.  And the one that I wish I hadn't is the ubiquity of crappy shit going on in films.

First of all, Paul Giamatti needs to stop making movies.  Seriously.  No more.  I can't handle it.  You know what? As shitty as Lady in the Water was, and it was horrifically bad [but not as bad as The Happening.  I don't have the words for how bad that was.] I'm going on record as saying that it wasn't all M. Night Shyamalan's fault.  Some of the blame goes to old Paul.  Also?  Stop casting him as romantic leads.  And Revolutionary War guys.  Just let him go raise llamas somewhere.  That seems like something he'd do.  [I can't explain my animosity toward him - while I will allow that he has done nothing untoward to piss me off, like some people who will not be named, he grates on me like chewing tinfoil.]

Second, another thing that needs to end is the sullying of the John Gotti legacy.  You know what abomination is happening now? John Fucking Travolta is supposed to be playing John Gotti in some movie they're making.



Aaaaayyyy. Wait. Do I think I'm The Fonz? Source.
Is nowhere NEAR as awesome as this:

That's right, bitches. I'm John Motherfucking Gotti.  Suck it. Source.
It's kind of hurting my soul.

And finally, I have had about all I can stand of remakes.  There is no reason for ANOTHER Charlie's Angels reboot - particularly since #MurderPartyStreetCrew already has its Bosley [yes, that's an arcane Twitter reference.  It's my fucking blog.  I can do what I want.].  Sure, guys dig watching chicks jiggle it, but they can probably choose from a thousand other shows that already have this oeuvre locked down. True, this doesn't quite fit in the doughy guy antipathy, but I bet it was some doughy guy came up with this idea. 

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to unwrap a hard candy and then blow my nose in the tissue I keep in the sleeve of my knee length cardigan.


  1. As an Italian, I cannot tell you how fucking irate I am re: Travolta or (Revolta as I like to call him) playing Gotti. I can't even form words. You are my soulmate.

  2. Paul Giamatti as a lead - repugnant. Do they think we can identify with him as a desirable man? Hold on.. I had to barf a little in my mouth.
    Mmmm. That's better.

  3. I dug Paul Giamatti in American Splendor, and in nothing else. People were shitting over how great Sideways was. I found it meh. Paul Giamatti pretending to be Larry David? No thanks, I'll just watch Curb Your Enthusiasm.

  4. Because I never watch movies or read entertainment publications I really have nothing sensible to contribute here. Instead I will tell you that every year while preparing to attend my gynae appointment, I sing 'Talk about, pap smear, talk about, pap smear, pap pap pap smear, pap pap pap smear' to the the tune of Pop Music.

    Actually I do have one small, reasonably relevant contribution: John Travolta might be made of wee.

    Sarah xxx

  5. Remakes are making lose my fucking faith in Hollywood, period! How many fucking times have they redone The Incredible Hulk now, like five times and each one sucks 10 times worse than the previous. What the fuck is wrong with movie makers these days. I think they should all take a couple hits of acid and find some fucking creativity.

  6. Does anyone other than me think that John Travolta is secretly gay?

  7. HYP - I love you all day everyday.

    Lady Estrogen - See? YOU GET IT.

    Nikki - You are dead on about Larry David. Except I don't like him at all.

    Misfit Vintage - I think that small contribution is brilliant. Also the pap smear song. It's going into heavy rotation.

    Marisa - Yes. Yes, absolutely, really, truly, yes.

    Cecelia Winesap - Nope. You are not alone.

  8. Hated Sideways. Hate all things Travolta. Giamatti does a good "little angry man" though. (i.e. Shoot 'em Up or Private Parts.) Although Shoot 'Em Up had me distracted with the gorgeous Clive Owen... ooops I got off topic...

  9. this is why i don't ever go to the movies. no one ever gives me a good reason to.

  10. oh how I love you!!! L.O.V.E you.

    you're so right, "raising Llamas" YES!!! Paul go raise Llamas!!!! so fucking funny

    I love Entertainment Weekley, how do I think I fill up my brain with useless Cultural crap???? That magazine is fantastic. The back page.....CLASSIC every single week. Am I right???

    and while I love Johnny T...WHA???? ;) I agree, someone MORE AWESOME needs to play Gotti...that man is a MOB GOD..not a broadway singer. GAH.


  11. Yes, Giamatti should not be a male lead. But, Shamalamadingdong (that's my little pet name for him) should be banned from movie making forever.

  12. You know, I kind of liked The Happening for a single reason - you kept on waiting for the turn that never came. The movie was completely pointless, but it's fucking M. Night Shyamalan. You were expecting aliens to come down, or Mr. Glass to claim credit for the self-murderating . . . but no, it just ended. That was the biggest twist (and yeah, it was a horrible, horrible movie - though I maintain that The Villiage was his biggest failure, and I totally blame him for that - what a stupid movie).

    I have the same irrational hatred of Nick Nolte - I have no idea why, but when he's in a movie, I hate the movie and I hate him. And, by all accounts he's a pleasant-enough human being with great talent.

    Reminds me of Dr. Cox and Hugh Jackman.

    As far as who should play Gotti, I can't think of anyone with the balls to do it. I mean, I was in northern NJ when he went on trial and everything about him screamed "my balls are bigger than yours." Maybe Sean Connery or William Shatner - but they don't have the right charisma about them. Ron Jeremy could pull it off...

  13. What if Gwyneth divorced Chris Martin and took up with Paul Giamatti?!!??? Your life would be a living hell.

  14. paul was excellent in john adams. however the role called for a repulsive character.

  15. Is the hard candy shaped like a rootbeer barrel? Please say yes.


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