Where it's at.

One exam over.

One giant migraine still kicking my ass.

ACK!

I have my first final exam of the semester tomorrow, and I'm not kidding, I am FREAKING OUT.

I have called my friends and flipped out on them, and they've been kind but not real good at the SHUT UP WITH THE CRAZY ALREADY, so I'm still simmering and stewing in the nutso broth.

I've done all the reading. I missed 2 classes when I had the flu, but was there for every other one, and while there were some days where I was spacing out at times, I still ended up with over 100+ pages of notes, so I was paying attention at some point, right? AND YET.

Fuck. I have zero idea what is going on. I took a practice exam using one of the old exams and got A LOT wrong. A LOT. As if I hadn't studied the subject at all.

So I'm kind of paralyzed with angst here. Stressing out. Plus the girl is going away for a few days, and while I'm glad and she's beyond thrilled, she's going with friends for the first time and it's kind of stressing me out. I know she'll be fine. It's the extra anxiety pushing its way out.

Oi. Maybe I should just go watch a movie. Did anyone watch Reaper? I loves me some devil!

End of scattered post.

BlahdeBlahBlah

As noted before, things have been rather shitty here for a while.

They've been slowly getting somewhat better, but today has been one of those days where I just can't win.

** Got very little sleep last night (hot/crampy/ugh).

** Tired today, which makes it hard to think, much less study.

** Drive through at bank and 1) Tried to drive up to closed tellermachinethingy, so I waited pulled out in front of them all, like a moron; 2) Then pulled up and didn't get the angle/distance right, so had to unbuckle seat belt and open door; 3) Forgot to include ID in transaction, but nice teller-lady gave me my money anyway - as well as a sternish reminder to use my ID. So that's a wash; 4) Spilled pen out of giant tube thing, so I had to open door and contort to find pen - fucking pen.

******* (I used the drive through because I had become insanely paranoid that I had spotted on my pants. I didn't, but I hate that paranoia.)

** Stopped at drive thru (see reasoning above) to get Wendy's fries, because I was starving, and then I had to wait for them, and they forgot to bring them out to me and so I had to go into the restaurant with my shirt pulled down really far and say, "Where are my fucking fries?" But nicely. Because I don't want spit in my food. And then I realized I don't really like Wendy's fries. They taste all chemically. And not good McDonald's chemically.

**Am getting like 70% wrong on this fucking practice exam. HELP ME.

** Made an assumption about plans for the weekend, and just got shit on. YAHOO. So I'm free Friday night. Anyone want to come over?

Ugh.

I hate when people think poorly of me. It's the odd flipside to the fact that I hate people and could give a shit less what they think of me. (Don't try to figure it out, I'm still in therapy. When we have a breakthrough, I'll let you know.).

Today has just been one of those days where I'm already edgy (hello, tiredness and pms!), and everyone is busting my chops.

My sister gets on my case about making this cream cheese onion dip ("It's too fattening. We don't need that." NO FUCKING KIDDING, BUT IT'S ALSO DELICIOUS AND I NEED MY SALT RIGHT THE FUCK NOW), so I had to deal with that sniping and that snide "we". And yet I managed not to say, "So, that no eating fatty food working out for you? Because you look like you've been putting on weight." I didn't say that, because I don't want to hurt her feelings. Fucker.

Then, my dad starts in when I ask him if he's able to pick up the girl from school a couple of days this coming week so I can study, and he starts harping on how on Friday, I had forgotten to ask them to pick her up and it was kind of a headache FOR ME trying to get her home and OH MY FUCKING GOD, PEOPLE FORGET SHIT, O.K.???? I managed not to throw in his face his shitty parenting skills. Breathe and move on.

And then, earlier this evening, we realized that the girl has several conflicts this coming Saturday, and we tried to figure out what would be best for her. Well, what would be best would be for her to get away for a few days with some friends, because things here were very, very shitty for quite a while the past couple of months. So I emailed one of her teachers about the conflict, wondering if she could beg off from this one activity, and I get back the, "Sure, that's fine, I understand conflicts even though we sent home this date in October." YOU KNOW WHAT? FUCK YOU. I'VE GOT A LOT GOING ON, O.K.? October to April? That is not even on my radar.

So that was my day today. Plus, I'm getting my period and I failed TWICE trying to sing "Should I Stay or Should I Go?" Very cranky making and I'm tired and going to bed. With a non-law book.

p.s. The onion dip was fucking delicious.

It's What's Inside You That Counts

So far this week I've:

• Gotten soap in my eye while washing my face. So much soap that, hours later, after the burning, there was a big white globule on the inside corner of my eye. A big white globule of SOAP. Disgusting.
  
• Snorked up water while I was rinsing my hair in the shower. I know Aveda products are supposed to be all "natural"-like, but that shit burned my sinuses.
  
• Whacked my eyeball with an Aveda product laden strand of hair. That also burned. I'm trusting Aveda less and less.
• Swallowed a bit of Listerine. It tasted like burning.

It's been a long week.

Mid-week

I've spent the past 2 days studying and running around the Suniverse trying to get stuff done.

These are the days when I don't even understand how I thought I could manage being a wife, parent, and student. I resent everyone trying to take time away from me for any little thing (Seriously, furnace guy, just fix that fucking whistling noise and go away; I don't care what makes it do that. Kid, get to drum lessons on your own. You get the idea.).

I've been doing yoga pretty regularly for the past 3 or 4 weeks, and I guess it's helped. I'm a bit calmer in general, and tend to just get agitated and mutter under my breath about thisstupidfuckinghouse and goddamnshittydrivers rather than let loose with a massively insane screech fest. So that's progress. I just have to remind myself it's baby steps.

The nice (?) thing is that my law school friends are feeling the same way. So I know it's not just me who is frantic, but I still feel like I should have my shit wrapped tight. Is that even a phrase? Because, you know, I need to be completely on top of stuff. ALWAYS.

*****
We went to the museum on Sunday for our anniversary, and is it wrong that the first thing we did was hit the gift shop? What? It was right there!

I really wanted to get one of these:


It's a mousepad - so cute, right? But it was $22, and I thought that was extremely outrageous for something to roll my mouse over. So I figured I'd go online and find one, which I did . . . for $22. What the hell? I mean, I get that it's cool, but seriously? $22? Isn't the point of child labor cheap merchandise?

***********
I'm done for the night. I may go watch some crappy t.v. Or just sit quietly and NOT think about copyright law.

Tradition

It's fucking snowing.

Every year on our anniversary, it snows. EVERY FUCKING YEAR.

Happy Anniversary to us!

Update on a Saturday

• Ugh ugh ugh. What is wrong with people that they are giving their 8 year old daughters BIKINI WAXES?

• I'm already tired of the election.
  
• I have such a crush on Duff from Ace of Cakes. Seriously. I don't eat sweets, and I never much liked cake anyway but OMG, how adorable is he when he gets excited about making fun cakes for people?
• I have a buttload of work to do. Not fun.
• I want to knit some ponchos for G. And maybe one for me. Are ponchos over? Or are they cool if you call them something else?
• It's time to make dinner, and I could not be less interested. Where is my housekeeper with a delicious meal? WHERE?
  
• I get to write a paper on Harry Potter (informal adoption as a trope in English literature). Still! HP! WOOO!
• Why didn't I go for my PhD? This is a LOT more fun than writing some shit ass legal thing.
• And now I have to pee. Yeesh. This was a lame post.
  

Monday, Monday

• I love listening to streaming radio, yet cannot tolerate regular radio stations. I couldn't think of why, and then I realize: Ah, the fucking idiot djs. That's it. Also, no commercials for Big Bob's Used Car Lot. And I can choose what format I want (right now, on iTunes Fresh Air student radio from University of Edinburgh).
• So I guess it's no big surprise that I can't handle regular radio.
  
• I went to the opera this weekend, and it was fun and weird. Fun, because I went with a friend and she was a hoot. Weird, because I saw someone I know only slightly, chatted with her for a moment, and then it turned out she was sitting 2 seats down from me. How does that happen? What butterfly flapped its wings?
• Oh, the opera was pretty good, too.
• We've been playing Rock Band, and I'm the singer. I have the hardest time with songs by the Ramones and the Clash. Explain, please, how I can't sing with the atonal? When my voice is equally as bad as Joey Ramone's?
  
• How do you get more difficulties? Play at medium or play harder songs?
• I have 1 paper and 3 exams coming up.
• I have ZERO interest in any of these things.
• I want to lay around and reread Stephen King's IT.
  
• Because clowns are fucking scary.
• Fuck it. I'm going to the library to get the book.
  

Smell ya later.

Just Curious

Did somebody take his gun from his cold, dead hand?

Missing

I realized the other night that I don't really have any hobbies anymore.

I don't get drunk.
I don't smoke.
I don't go dancing until all hours.

I don't even knit or draw or paint (half-assedly as I do the last 2 things).

I know part of it is being busy with school and some work, and another huge chunk is not having much disposable income, but I miss doing stuff.

And I miss even knowing what I want to do.

So I'm trying to think of hobbies I might like. I found some knitting patterns that look interesting. I also saw a ballroom dancing class (god, am I OLD), and I think I'll start swimming again. Or even going for walks. Maybe taking my camera.

It's kind of disheartening when you miss you who were and don't have any idea who you are.

Just Five More Minutes

My alarm is set for 6am.

Usually, I wake to the loud-then-getting-louder-still-louder
OH-MY-GOD-WHAT-IS-THAT-FUCKING-NOISE? tones of my iPod. I have my Sleeping Songs and my Time to Wake Up songs (I also, much to the delight of child and husband, have my Songs I Like songs - they laugh and wonder, "Aren't all the songs on your iPod songs you like?" If only. If ONLY.).

Anyway, lately, because one day I forgot to set my iPod in its dock and I'm to lazy to push a button, I've been waking to classical music. It's nice and calming, until it hits those REALLY LOUD DECIBELS, and generally a pretty good way to wake up (or wake up, go to the bathroom, decide you can sleep 5 more minutes and then wake up at 7am, late for everything).

Today, I decided to take 5 more minutes (and was late, yes, you'd think I'd learn) and as I was dozing, I was listening to the music and I kept thinking, "That's the Marseillaise. I know it is. Isn't it? But why? Would a Canadian station play the French national anthem? They aren't French. Except that whole Quebec thing. Is it the Marseillaise? It has to be." Because while I may not be up on all countries' national anthems, I have watched Casablanca enough to (half) recognize that song.

I faded in and out of sleep, wondering why (and if) it was the Marseillaise, wondering if I were in Ricks, wondering if I were Ingrid Bergman, wondering if the snoring man next to me was Humphrey Bogart, or even Paul Henreid.

None of these was true, of course. I woke up at 7, late. I wasn't Ingrid Bergman. He wasn't Bogart or Henreid. Or even Claude Rains (who, as Captain Renault, I find wildly attractive. Such a dirty, dirty man.).

Instead, I rushed getting things ready and now I'm sitting here, wondering if I can watch Casablanca or if I REALLY have to do all those things on my list.